Dear Former Victim of Silent Abuse, You Won’t Be Broken Forever

Dear Former Victim of Silent Abuse,

I know you think you’re permanently damaged. You believe you are defective. That you will never get it right.

You try so hard to make everyone happy. To act in a way that everyone will like you. But it seems the more you try, the worse things get. As you think only of others, others believe you are thinking only of yourself.

You give your heart so openly to others, looking for reciprocating love. But it feels as though you are betrayed over and over again and as though no one understands you or your intentions. The harder you try to help others understand, the worse things get.

You want to stop trying.

You’re tired of trying.

You feel so broken.

So defective.

It feels like nothing you ever say or do will be right.

As a former victim of silent abuse, you were made to feel that something was wrong with you.

Comments left you feeling as though you were chasing a string being dangled over your head until the string was wound so tightly around your body, any effort to get out would result in you tipping over.

You thought you were doing what your abuser wanted.

You didn’t think you were being selfish or unkind.

But you “were a disappointment.” You “never did anything right.” You “only thought of yourself.” These accusations would come out of the blue, just when you were settling into happiness. Just when you were finding a rhythm and a semblance of peace.

Being caught off-guard in that way is what taught you to always stay ready. It’s what makes you a loose cannon in your everyday life.

As a former victim of silent abuse, you are tired of taking the blame.

Abusers will tell a victim it is all their fault.

Over. And over. And over. And over. And over.

Once you free yourself from the abuser, the act of taking fault feels dangerous.

Why?

First, you may have learned to try to “act perfectly” to avoid being emotionally or verbally attacked. You knew what your abuser wanted from you and you tried to give it to them. The only problem is that what they wanted would change without warning (SEE: chasing string analogy).

This is also why victims become extremely skilled at reading every nuanced behavior of another person. You had to do that in order to be one step ahead.

Second, you may be grossly fatigued by being blamed for seemingly everything, which may have you currently fighting to the death anytime blaming you is hinted at (or not hinted at … you may be reading many situations incorrectly). You’re used to being blamed for the sun coming up in the morning. For not reading another person’s mind.

You’re used to fighting and clawing to get a word in. You’re used to being ignored and demeaned. To not being heard.

It’s exhausting … and you’re exhausted.

As a former victim of silent abuse, you may be struggling to adapt to your post-abuse world.

If you’re in a position of starting fresh — maybe you’ve just left a toxic relationship, moved out of your family home, or quit drinking or doing drugs — you may feel like a fish out of water.

Your senses may be on heightened alert.

You believe everyone is out to get you. You believe you are being betrayed at every turn. That you are being bullied. Demeaned.

You believe others are insulting you. That they’re going to leave you.

You feel as though everyone is blaming you for everything. That everyone has an ulterior motive.

You are quick to jump to your own defense … which is when confusion sets in. Friends, family, co-workers don’t understand your forcefulness. They don’t understand why you’re being so combative.

You may lose friendships and jobs.

You may lose the respect of others.

You may feel as though you’ll always be broken.

As a former victim of silent abuse, you must find your worth through accountability.

Since getting sober (which allowed me to truly begin healing in a deep way), every major step forward has come through accountability.

First, I had to admit that I wasn’t perfect. That my behavior was ugly. That maybe I had misinterpreted something. That I had responded too strongly. All of that piled on an already-fragile self-esteem.

Second, it felt dangerous to take fault because I had always done so by default. I had no idea how to tell the difference between something that wasn’t my fault and something that was my fault.

As I’ve surrounded myself with people willing to set healthy boundaries for themselves and also willing to forgive me when I make mistakes, I have learned to trust the perspective of others and also to recognize fault in myself.

The truth is that — when I’ve owned my s*** and sincerely apologized to from my heart — it feels amazing.

As a former victim of silent abuse, you must learn to make others earn your true self.

Don’t give away your heart, dear one. Make others earn it.

You may throw your heart at others with the hope of receiving theirs in return. You’re used to putting the needs of others above yourself and you do so to try and acquire love and friendships.

But here’s the thing: in a world of friendships and work relationships, you’ll quickly lose respect doing that. Others won’t understand why you’re trying to bare your soul so quickly. They won’t feel comfortable with it. And they’ll exploit you.

Value yourself enough to make others earn your heart.

All of this work will be uncomfortable.

You are going to have to get away from toxic relationships, set healthy boundaries and advocate for yourself. You’re going to have to take personal responsibility for your own behavior.

It’s painful. You’ll feel a range of emotions … some that will bring you to your knees. You’ll be triggered at every turn and not know whether you’re justified in your feelings or not.

But — as you work and heal and learn to love the imperfect person you are — you’ll have a richness in life you never could have dreamed of. I promise.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own, please reach out for help.