Dear Shyn: A Letter to my 23-year-old Self

Dear Shyn,

Well done in making it past the 20-year mark of being a professional executive! Did you think you would be here doing what you’re doing today, being a “non-tech” person in Tech and an Executive Officer at a NYSE-listed Southeast Asia-focused company? I didn’t think so! It has been quite the journey, so this International Women’s Day #IWD2024 as I spend a few golden moments in reflection, I thought I’d give you the gift of hindsight and write you about what to expect in the next 20 years. I promise I’ll be honest and give you the Good, the Bad, the Ugly. Belt up, it’s going to be a ride!

Firstly – this is going to be very hard for you as a feminist to hear – you will face sexism, discrimination and harassment in the workplace. Although you hold a business degree from a premier university, you will be judged by your gender and looks, and you will receive inappropriate propositions from as early as your student internship. Through the years, the unsolicited attention will come from colleagues, senior leaders and industry veterans in the form of flattery and focus on your appearance over your capabilities, hotel room numbers, requests for walks by the beach and undesired physical contact. It will scare the shit out of you because it is an entirely new experience that no one warned you about. Over time, you will realise that almost every woman in your universe has experienced it at some point, and it will take different forms at different points in your career. That doesn’t make it okay by any measure, and it will shock, frustrate and sadden you. In the beginning, you will struggle to figure out how to respond to these propositions diplomatically without being dismissed as a "prude" and jeopardising your career, but take heart in knowing that you eventually find a way. We all do.

You will find yourself fighting harder than your male counterparts for opportunities, projects and promotions despite being equally or more qualified. And when you get the promotion, you will hear of rumours circulating that you “slept with the boss.” It will feel like an uphill battle because when you look up the ladder, you will not see many above you who look like you. And those who look remotely like you, you will be painfully aware of what they had to sacrifice or forsake to get there. You will wonder – is this even possible? If so, why aren’t there more women in leadership who also seem to be good people, have a family and a life? You have always been a go-getter since you were little, and was brought up to perceive that as a virtue. However, this ambition and determination will be used against you numerous times, and you will notice quite quickly that ambitious women - like you - are labelled as “demanding”, “bossy”, “ball-busters” and having “breast-icles”. Please, I implore, do not let that faze you and hinder you from working hard for your goals. Although these labels hurt, they can only hurt as much as you let them. If you diminish your goals as a result, you will let these labels determine the course of your life.

Because there is a common misbelief that no man will want to be with a career-driven woman, you will be told to tone down your ambitions lest you become too intimidating. You will be pushed to rethink your personal choices, and it will feel like either way, you can’t win. Find someone who can accept your ambition? He’s probably “less of a man”. Don’t find someone? You will have the career but become a lonely b***h. But guess what? If you enjoy what you do and who you are, you will be happy. Joy is infectious and you will attract people who want to share life's ups and downs and celebrate your achievements with you (and one of them will even go the full distance and have two beautiful children with you!).

“Maternity leave costs the company a lot of money. Are you trying (to have a baby) already? Or are you already pregnant??” Yup – you will be asked that question by your line manager in front of the team, and she will ask you this shortly after you just realize that you’re expecting your first child. You will be flustered, upset and it will give you a lot of stress. It will cause you worry about when to share the news, if it will have a negative impact on your performance review and if your commitment to your work will be doubted. You’d be proud to know that you mustered the courage, stood up for yourself and confronted this line manager a few days after. Unfortunately, she will continue to make it difficult for you, such as insisting you show up at the office on a stormy can’t-get-a-taxi day while being 37-weeks pregnant. You don’t make it to work that day, but you won’t get fired. After delivering your baby, you will also find yourself pumping breastmilk on a small stool inside a window-less 3mx4m storeroom because the office does not have a maternity or wellness room. Again, you’d be proud to know that you wrote a long letter to the office manager to appeal for suitable facilities to be set up for working mothers. Nothing will change after your letter and you forge on for 6 months, but the fact is, you stood up for yourself and others. For that, you should be proud. Subsequently, you always keep an eye on colleagues who are working mothers and check on maternity facilities at your workplaces to make sure they are comfortable and adequately equipped. Afterall, women are uniquely designed to keep the human race going - why should they be disadvantaged for what nature has required them to do?

Don't strive to have it all, do it all and be it all. It is an unattainable ideal that serves more as a yoke than wind beneath your wings. You will try your very best to do the best you can - the best daughter, sister, wife, mother and professional. Just know that you cannot be all of that at the same time. It is not possible to build your career and be home for dinner + put your children to bed every night. It does not make you a bad mother, it just makes you a mother who is trying to juggle several simultaneous demands. People will ask you how you can bear to leave your child at daycare, and judge you for your decisions including work travel. The media and many consumer brands will make you think that you need to check all those boxes, AND look great at the same time (i.e. slim, long-haired and with youthful, glowy skin to boot). That is unrealistic and does not serve you. No one is doing it all. Every working woman and mother is just under alot of social pressure to appear like they are doing it all. I wish more women spoke up about this openly.

Unfortunately, as a result of consistent social conditioning and external validation, you internalise this systemic misogyny about what it (supposedly) takes to succeed in the corporate world. So much so that you modify your gait and lower your voice to walk and talk more “like a man”, you fill your work wardrobe only with dark-coloured trousers, and purple cupcakes and pink roses for International Women’s Day #IWD turn you off. As a female leader, you will be relied upon for your empathy and care for others, but you will also feel exposed and vulnerable for showing the exact same emotions that makes you strong. You will spend many years trying to fight and resist these social pressures. It will feel very uncomfortable being a feminist with internalised misogyny, like the unwilling custodian of a dark secret. Being aware about these sub-conscious beliefs is a good first step to addressing them. It will take a while, and I am a little sad to tell you that this fight is still ongoing. But let's not be too hard on ourselves and learn to practise some self-compassion. You will need it for the long road.

You will meet people along the way who will succeed at your expense and belittle you because they can; but thankfully you will also meet some precious allies and advocates who will stand by you and grow with you. They will identify with you as "insecure overachievers" and “underdogs”. They will advocate for you when you’re not in the room and they will stand by you when you need to make tough, unpopular decisions. They will accept you and, under the polished veneer of resoluteness, all your flaws and insecurities. You will also go on to donate, volunteer and contribute to women-focused non-profit groups, and organise women's chapters in your workplaces with the hope that others will get a fairer shot in life. Through these activities and forums, you will meet fellow female warriors who you will admire, respect and learn from. Hold these people close to your heart, and know that they gather strength from you as well.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, do not give up. Trust me, it gets better; and you need to know – in your darkest days – that you have in you the strength, wisdom and resilience to pull through to the other side. You will be placed in multiple circumstances that will test your character and values, and you will be presented with opportunities to be that change you want to see. Seize those opportunities with both hands and all the femininity you want and care to display. In particular, give a voice to those who can’t, make space for those who struggle to breathe, and stand up for those who are not able to. Be the role model that you wish you have along the way.

There is still a fair distance to go, to right the social injustice that is gender inequality. While you take all the small wins you get along the way, continue to fight the good fight and don’t shy away from the privilege of the responsibility.

Love,

Shyn Yee