IN DESPAIR: THE ONE THING THAT WILL BRING YOU HOME (THE ONE THING THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE)

As I set out on my morning walk with Romeo, my beloved canine companion, we took a path that had revealed itself just a few weeks ago—one of those magical Fall paths hidden during Summer’s fullness.

The crisp air accompanied us as we moved along, and then I heard it—a soft, melodic sound of water. Curious, I followed the sound, veering off our usual route toward the creek that borders our path. To my surprise and delight, a small waterfall appeared before us. It wasn’t grand, just where an upper stream met the larger flow, but its cascade was about three feet high, and it mesmerized me. I stood there entranced, overcome with gratitude for this simple yet profound discovery.

Here’s the truth: that waterfall had always been there. For 2 ½ years, I’ve walked this path and never noticed it. The sound, the beauty, the energy of it—it had been quietly existing all along, waiting for me to discover it.

This realization struck me deeply. How often do we overlook the “always-there” aspects of our lives? In our busyness, we stick to familiar paths, unaware of the treasures lying just beyond them. Yet, when life challenges us, staying on autopilot may cause us to miss the very things that could help us heal, grow, or even simply find joy.

Right now, about half our country feels despair over the election, while the other half is celebrating. This division often becomes personal, especially as we gather for the holidays. Many people I’ve spoken to are considering skipping family gatherings to avoid difficult conversations with those on the "other side."

While everyone must find their own truth in such situations, I encourage taking a step back before making decisions. Consider communicating with loved ones—even if only to set boundaries around sensitive topics. Dialogue, even limited, can help bridge divides.

I’ve learned this lesson through my own journey over the past 18 months—a path I didn’t choose and often didn’t want. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. Yet, through pain, healing, and rising above, I’ve leaned heavily on tools that I now wholeheartedly share with others. These tools work when you work them.

Tool 1: Name It to Tame It

This practice, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, helps us process difficult emotions by pairing our deep, right-brain feelings with the logical, language-oriented left brain. By naming our emotions—acknowledging and labeling what we feel—we begin to understand and manage them more effectively.

Tool 2: The Feedback Wheel

This is one of the most powerful communication tools I’ve ever encountered, and I share it with every client, workshop participant, and audience I speak to. The Feedback Wheel provides a structured way to express feelings and needs without escalating conflict, fostering mutual understanding instead of division.

As we move into this season of connection and potential conflict, let’s remember that the path home—toward understanding, healing, and unity—might already be here. We only need to pause, step off the familiar path, and look for it.

Much like that hidden waterfall, the things that will bring us home have been waiting for us all along.

If you need help with any of this or using these tools, perhaps schedule a session. I will make sure you leave the session ready to be yourself and communicate from your true self.

I will also help you set  boundaries around certain topics and give you a fun connecting exercise for the  whole group you are connecting with.

Here are the tools:

The Feedback Wheel includes four steps:

1.    What you saw or heard about the event in question. (State Observable behavior: i.e., WHEN YOU LEAVE THE DISHES IN THE SINK………...”; in this step, you stick to the FACTS–the observable behaviors of both you and your partner.

2.    What your perception is about the BEHAVIOR in #1. (State the meaning you give to it and DO NOT bring in past behavior) i.e. “My perception about this is,,,,”  (This should not be an attack.) Some say, “This is what I make up about this”.

3.    How you FEEL about it. (The word, feel, should always be followed by a feeling word and the feelings expressed need to be about this incident only….i.e., “I feel__”(feeling word(s), joy, pain, loneliness, helplessness, powerlessness, anger, fear, love, shame, guilt……..

4.    What you would like to have happen in the future….” What I would like is…………” (either now or in the future, and this  can be a request to dialogue about the issue or negotiate, etc.) This step requires that you ask for what you need. We can be vulnerable when we ask for what we need and without vulnerability, a relationship cannot grow.

Suzanne Carter. www.Suzannecarter.net  720-540-6738

NAME IT TO TAME IT(shortened version: email me if you want the longer article)

Process:  Name it to Tame it re: difficult experience of mad, sad, scared or other unpleasant feelings

What feeling are you experiencing.

When you breathe into the feeling words, notice:

Where do I feel this in my body?

What color is this feeling?

What shape is this feeling?