Don't ask "Are you OK?" at work - try these questions instead

Today – 9 September – is R U OK Day. If I was cynical, I'd say that R U OK Day is like Valentine's Day for mental health. If you need some official day to remind you to you give someone in your life the proverbial rose of your attention, then you're doing life wrong.

But I'm not cynical. Life is throwing a fair few wobblies at us lately, and I for one am very grateful that there are people who care about mental health enough to remind us how to human better together, by prompting us to ask each other: "Are you OK?". And, the campaign is having a positive impact.

The thing is, as a question "Are you OK?" isn't that great. It can come off a bit mawkish, cliché, or superficial. And sure, it can be super hard to answer truthfully, rather than a pad "Yep, good. you?" In fact, research from the mental health charity Time to Change found that over three-quarters of people in the UK would tell friends and family we’re fine, even if we were struggling with a mental health problem.

The R U OK website knows this, and has some great resources and tactics about how to have the rest of the conversation (which is what actually matters).

Better questions than "Are you OK?"

As a facilitator and trainer at Bright Pilots, I often take it for granted that a big part of the craft of facilitation is asking the right questions at the right time, to help the right insights and decisions emerge. It's often about getting creative with what question to ask, listening to the group, and attending to them well. This helps everyone think and communicate in a more productive way.

So, in the spirit of helping us all tackle tough times together, here are some other questions you might want to try, to move past those auto-pilot responses and get to a more productive conversation.

Build trust first

• "Hey, can I get some advice from you about....?"
• "Agh, lockdown... I'm so bored... What are you watching at the moment, anything good?"
• "That [work thing] you did last week was great, how did you do that?"
• "What're you working on these days?"

Relate your question to something specific

• "I noticed you were pretty quiet in this morning's meeting; was something bothering you?"
• "Hey, you normally have your camera on in our meetings, but today you didn't... was anything different about today?"
• "Ergh, today was a dud for me. How was your day?"
• "How are things at home, juggling work, and school, and everything else?"

Listen

• "Sounds rough, yeah. Is this a short-term thing, or has it been going on a long time?"
• "Any ideas about what might be causing that?"
• "Do you want to talk more about it? I'm happy just to listen."

Guide (but don't fix)

• "Agh, sorry to hear that. Any ideas about what you can do about that?"
• "That sounds pretty overwhelming. You know what they say, you can eat a whole elephant, one bite at a time. What's one small thing you could do, do you think?"
• "Are you talking to anyone else about this, who can help you?"

Help (and then actually help)

• "I’m here to help, if you want. Is there anything I can help you with?"
• "You have a lot on your plate. Can I help with that report?"
• "I'm ordering some wine and I've got a discount coupon. I'll send you a bottle. What address can I send it to?"
• "I had a pretty rough time myself, last year. I ended up seeing a counsellor, who was a huge help. Do you want me to send you their details?"

Follow up

• "I hope things get better for you. Do you want to catch up about this in a couple of weeks' time?"
• "Seeing someone about this is a great idea. Can I ask you how it went, in a couple of weeks' time?"
• "A walk outside always helps me. We can go for a walk together. When's good for you?"

Use your empathy, trust your gut, err on the side of action, and start a conversation. Honestly, the worst that can happen is they fob you off, but the conversation you start may just be exactly what the other person needs.

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Work is full of systems and processes to help us get stuff done effectively. Our conversations should be no different: questions are the equivalent of those systems and processes to help our conversations be effective, too. Sometimes we need help working out what's wrong. Sometimes we need help finding insight and answers. Sometimes we need help telling our own story, and getting connected.

And sometimes we just need to be attended to, to be heard, to be included, to be validated. I hope these questions help you to help others, today on R U OK Day, and every other day too.

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Want to hone your skills at asking better questions, for better results at work? Check out the range of 2-hour online real-time facilitation classes on my training platform, Bright Pilots, geared to different areas that people find tricky:

• Strategy and planning
• Collaboration and engagement
• Discovery and innovation
• Alignment and decisions