Emotional Hostage
A client I once saw reappeared yesterday. He looked down and out. He was distraught. He came to me with his girlfriend because he admitted to her that he was attracted to another women. And while he never acted on it, when his girlfriend asked him, he admitted it. She explained that she felt betrayed and hurt. Understandable, it took some time for us to work through this. We resolved this issue and all was forgiven. And now he was reaching out for help again.
He told me that while our pervious sessions were successful, lately over the past few months she kept bringing it up. And despite the fact that nothing ever happened between he and his coworker that he was attracted to, his girlfriend kept mentioning it to him. She would say things like "A real man would never have a wandering eye." Or, "You can no longer hang out with your friends because I don't trust you." He wanted to know if this were fair? The short answer is no.
The work that we did awhile back put an end to this issue. With better communication in terms of checking in with each other, they both were happy with their progress. She forgave him although he didn't cheat on her. And she understood that when asking a question that might produce an answer that would upset her, she wanted the truth regardless. So why is in my office again?
She is holding him as an emotional hostage. I explained that this is a fairly common occurrence. When someone continues to bring up the past as a means to get what they want, they willingly {or not} are holding you hostage. By making you feel guilty, more often than not you cave. Instead of communicating wants, needs and concerns, they go straight to guilt. By doing so, they invalidate your feelings. By playing the guilt card, they assert that they are in a power position. This is something we see in mentioning suicide. I'm going to hurt myself if you leave me. Any mention of suicide should be taken seriously, and does need professional follow up. But, some have done this to get their partner to stay. Again, leaving you as an emotional hostage.
We need to ask ourselves if we feel bullied? Are we being heard, and is there room for discussion? If not, it would appear that we are an emotional hostage. People have disagreements all of the time. Healthy people leave room for discussion. When the guilt card is played, our natural reaction is one of two options. We either get angry, or we accept the guilt and no discussion is had.
If you suspect that you're an emotional hostage, I encourage you to seek outside help. A therapist, counselor or coach should be able to help facilitate a healthy and meaningful conversation. They should also be able to give insight on effective ways to communicate. Some people play the guilt card and don't even realize it. That is why it's important to ask for help. If we are to break the chains of being an emotional hostage, we're going to need tools. Or, if you're the one who is playing the guilt card, by unlearning this primitive method of communication, you will see just how relaxed and respected a relationship disagreement can be.
Because in the end. If one of you is not allowed to communicate. You're not in a relationship. You're in a hostage situation.