Empowering Growth Through Compassionate Observation

In the work I do, I often hear from people who are concerned about loved ones, friends, or colleagues struggling with various challenges. It's natural to want to jump in and help, especially when you see someone you care about facing difficulties. It's also common to think we can see the “right path” or the “right step” for them to take.

And perhaps the way we think they should go could help them, but in the end, the more we try to force someone into the help we think they need... well... you guessed it... it often falls flat. So what can we do? It is often more powerful to offer them and ourselves some compassion in the struggle and, rather than intervening directly, step back and allow them to do the work and find their path themselves.

Personal Reflection: Embracing Discomfort

I want to start by sharing that I am not immune from this struggle. I have also learned that it is often less about the other person and more about how I am feeling uncomfortable with the pain they are facing. When someone else is struggling, it is important that I sit with and be with my own discomfort, trusting that they can be with and work through their own discomfort. The only way over is through, and if I jump in to take away their discomfort simply because it is so hard to watch, well, who does that serve?

The Power of Sacred Observation

There's a tool I like to share from the work of Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels called Sacred Observation that I have found quite helpful in these situations where I may want to “jump in” to help. Imagine this: You're at the ancient Coliseum, and in the gladiator ring below, you see someone you care about struggling, fighting their demons. There are two ways you can respond:

Jumping into the Ring: Imagine that you see their struggle, and feel their pain as if it is your own. It's unbearable, and you jump in to help. You hold them up, wield their sword, and fight their battles for them.

• If you can press pause here... what do you notice? Who is this helping short term? How about long term?
• While this might offer short-term relief, consider the long-term impact. Does this make them stronger or weaker? Does it build their resilience or undermine it?

Standing Steady in the Stands: Alternatively, imagine that you see their struggle, feeling compassion for what this must be like for them to face and battle their demons. You feel for how challenging this is for them, stay in the stands, and tap into the sense of awe for them and the battle they're facing. You send them compassion and support from afar, trusting that this is their fight to fight.

• If you can press pause here... what do you notice? Who is this helping short term? How about long term?
• By allowing them to face their challenges, you empower them to build their strength and resilience.

Is This Cut and Dry?

It would be nice if life were as simple as the examples above, but life is often not this easy. Where things are more complex, such as dealing with a loved one who is facing challenges with addiction or mental well-being, it is tricky. What is right here is not always clear.

It's true that being compassionate and offering support helps those in need, especially when they ask for it. It is also true that giving others some space to find their way can take time, and sometimes a lot of struggle. It is often in their struggle that they find the motivation and light that can guide their way. Allowing others to struggle and find their way can suck and be really uncomfortable from the stands, and finding supports for yourself as you offer some compassionate distance can help.

That all being said, I have found the tool described above, and the bullet points below, to be helpful “guides” along the way, at least for myself.

Helping Yourself Is Job One

It isn't always easy, but it always seems to come up. It starts with you. While your loved one is in the arena, often the best thing you can do is lead by example. Make sure you're taking care of yourself, putting on your own oxygen mask first. By doing so, you demonstrate the importance of self-care and resilience.

Empowering Others

It's not easy to watch someone you care about struggle. But by jumping in too quickly, we risk taking away their sense of agency. We all have inner resources to draw upon, and sometimes the best support we can offer is our belief in their ability to find their way.

When they ask for support, be there for them. But remember, it's their battle to fight. By being a compassionate witness, you offer strength and encouragement without undermining their journey.

Final Thoughts...

Am I saying the best thing to do is to turn your back on those who are struggling? Well... no. But I sure as heck am saying that jumping in to do it all for them does not work either. There is no perfect answer or solution when someone you care about is struggling. It sucks to watch.

And although it sucks to watch, and as difficult as it may be, stepping back and allowing others to face their battles is often the most empowering choice we can make. Trust in their inner strength, support them from a compassionate distance, and focus on your own well-being. This approach not only helps them grow but also sets a powerful example of resilience and self-care.

Take care, everyone, and here's to trusting that resourcefulness and resilience live within us all! What is one small thing you can do to let that shine through in yourself and someone you care about today?