God Grant me the Serenity... AA/NA prayers of an addict

Today November 13, 2023 has been a day filled with so many emotions. Literally from the time I got up until the next time I stayed up...what? That didn't make sense but really....? Just to clarify I had not gone to sleep and remained awake 24-48hrs the entire time due to intense feelings of anxiety, fear, worthlessness, hopelessness and despair. Wow, that's a lot! I know tell the guy right here (me) going through it. I can only imagine what the young King has been feeling on the inside. Broken, would be an understatement and betrayed is the more accurate feeling to describe it all.

So you're probably wondering about the article title aren't you? Mhmm, I don't know if I am ready to say it yet.

Hold On, let me think about it....

Let's go back in time 3..2..1

Close your eyes....Here we go!".

Once upon a Time, in a land somewhere over near Mid-West Ohio in a little city called Dayton a town that was full of energy, talent and fun during the early 80s through late 90s but now it is known, as the "Forgotten lost place" and indeed if one is not careful, this to shall pass and life will continue on in the silence which seems so loud but was never really that exciting anyway.

The Conversation back at the Homestead w/ Queen Matriarch of the Gooden hierarchy and her young Prince. (April, 2010)

Caller: Picks up cellphone to call his best friend....ring ring ring

Respondent: "Hello" "Hello"

Caller: "Oh hey Granny, wyd girl?"

Respondent: "Hey, Baby. Oh nothing just sitting here at the table resting my eyes. How are you?

Caller: I'm doing okay I guess. Well, I may have gotten into a little trouble yesterday.

Respondent: "What you mean you got in trouble?"

Caller: Well....you wouldn't believe me if I told you?

Respondent: " Let's see, try me?"

Caller: Okay. So, last night I went out to paint the town red, with a group of my friends and I wandered off to go and kick it with someone else. We went to the bathroom and it was a long line nearly out into the hall. So, we stood and waited our turn to use the restroom. While we were waiting this guy looked me up and down like he had a problem with me G and you know me; "I said hello sir is there a problem because you've been starring for quite a long interval of time". You wouldn't believe what came out of his mouth Granny.

Respondent: "Well, what did he say baby?"

Caller: Granny, this fool gone holler and say "&*%$#" if I had a problem you would know it because I wouldn't be talking to you.

Respondent: Oh no, that don't sound good at all.

Caller: Sho nuff, you right Granny it wasn't right and it clear smooth pissed me off. I guess it didn't help that I had perhaps one to many by that point and I snapped and we went at it right there in the bathroom. We went tugging O War until the police showed up at the door to eventually, take us both away and settle the final score.

Respondent: You didn't really? No No

Caller: Mhmmm, yep I did and you know once I get going I don't stop until the fat lady sing and that night she sung the crowd straight through the rafters. So, as a result I was hauled off in that ole paddy wagon downtown Louisville to Jefferson County Jail Granny for 12hrs and I sat in once place just checking to my right, left, front, back to ensure there would be no other to try me.

Respondent: We'll now look here I'm happy you handled ya business and thangs but you know better don't ya. I didn't raise you like that and neither did your mother. I'm gonna tell you like I tell all the others "you betta let that bottle alone" ya hear me?

Caller: "Yes, ma'am I do granny I'm gone do better I just had to let it out.

Respondent: I know baby but you got to ignore that stuff and just walk away from foolishness you've worked too hard to get where you're at today. So, you stay out of trouble while you down there. If you get into trouble you know I can't just jump up and come see about you and that would worry me sick. You're all I have left of ya mother and you've always been so helpful to me. I don't want my baby so far away that I can't see ya because your behind bars in jail.

Caller: Silent cries...I know G and it won't happen again I promise.

MEANING with Purpose just as FAITH without works is dead.

Understanding the depth of this exchange isn't so complex but rather the meaning and significance behind it. No matter what I went through as child, adolescent, young adult, and even now as an adult my granny was my She-Ro and if she said it her word was bond and it would always have a resounding "Yes Ma'am" and I straighten up because there was no worser feeling in my life than disappointing my Gmaw. Her thoughts and words made every difference in my life because she stepped up to the plate, when no one else did to provide me with a life of choice and opportunity.

There was no opportunity that I wouldn't take to do the right thing and to show buy my actions that her work was not in vain. She always did right by me and if she was my Wonder Woman I was her batman. She never once forgot to let me know that her and my mother were always proud of me and loved me always. Life hasn't been the same since, she close her eyes and transitioned on with our Lord & Savior 04/08/18 on her youngest daughters birthday and now 3 years before her middle daughters (my mother) death anniversary.

I would come to find that I had a pattern alike when my mother and grandmother transitioned my two favorite women in my life was that I internalized my grief and held steady to safe face until I could no longer. In my mind I had to step up and be the strength for my granny when Mom left and she was my strength everyday indeed, even when me and Mom weren't getting along when she was here. I would pack my Kroger grocery bag, TV dinner and my night clothes and school clothes to the next day ahead if it was that deep. We all were a TriPod I served as the base and the served as the two legs. I live in truth, integrity, power authenthically everyday because that's how they raised me.

I drank nearly everyday after granny left the bars & kareoke became my #1 priority and I would go all night and bring the sun up. 2018-2019 were the best years of my life not neccessarily because I was living free and having fun because I did that everyday without fail even before. These were the best years of my life because I finally opened the portals to began grieving and purging all the pain I had pinned up full of frustration, feelings of loss and painstaking regret. There was more I could've done to save my mother is what I told myself for nearly 12 years until I stopped and told myself " Lo" it was nothing you could've done because our Lord & Savior was ready for her arrival. I then went to the next guilt to remember when I killed her off at age 10 when I didn't get my way and said "I hate you, I wish you were dead" but GOD granted my prayers and sheer serenity and allowed me to hold onto her for 6 more years until I turned 16. I could have never been prepared for their departure from this realm and if it was left to me, they would've buried me.

My granny was one of the strongest women I'd come to know as she raised 3 generations preceded in death by her lifetime partner and best-friend my grandfather George E. Gooden, Sr. which I never did get to meet as I was merely a thought when he passed in 1975 when my mother was age 16. Interestingly, I felt my grandads spirit, when he was near and he protected us all remaining close as we aged and grew and developed. I stood in position firmly after my uncle Leon passed (maternal uncle). My uncle transitioned in 2011 and we had his services on Labor Day Sept 5, 2011. The tribute played of the pipe horns by traditional US Military Veteran and the Folding of his flag was so honorable filled with much distinction. For the next 7 years I would have to carry to torch a take care of our Matriarch as her two eldest children did.

I would like to think I did so with much honor, grace and favor that shall forever live on beyond the hills for which cometh my help and my help, shall always come from the Lord. Today was the hardest day of my life and I needed all of them my uncle to pick up me and my belongings, my granny to fix me a warm meal even if just her side of rice and tomatoes and my mommy to snuggle up to and cry upon her chest as I listened to her heat tick tick tick tick tick.

Your silence heightens the issue and ever growing Epidemic but your voice and involvement, helps to reduce crisis outcomes and serves to be an allegiance. to decreasing the national average by 25% by 2025.

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