Goodbye My Dear, Goodbye

You've been noticing changes in him for some time now. He appears weaker and increasingly tired. He has trouble walking, keeping his balance, and performing everyday activities. His movements are sluggish, and his abilities have dwindled. He has grown quieter. Sleep comes at any time of the day now. When he’s awake, he appears bewildered, disoriented, and frequently absent. He doesn't eat much, which explains why he's so thin. He seems also confused a lot of the time. He has withdrawn and seeks any opportunity to be alone. Then there are those rare and unexpected bursts of energy that give you optimism that everything will be fine, that everything will return to normal. But those are transient moments. You know there's nothing you can do to stop his body and mind from shutting down.

You remember him strong and healthy as if it were yesterday. He was constantly cheerful, lively, and amusing. Let's not even get started on his curiosity. He was always daring, exploring, and discovering new things along the way. That made him happy and fulfilled. And he was quite social...he enjoyed spending time with others and was constantly eager to form new relationships.

Sitting with him as he deteriorates into a shadow of his former self makes you sad, truly sad. It hurts not just to lose his entire physical presence, but also to realize he's no longer with you as his consciousness fades away. People tell you that you should use this time to prepare for the inevitable and that you should accept death as a natural part of life. But you are not able to. The recollections of the moments spent together have become more vivid, giving rise to a nostalgic sense of what was and could have been. Reflecting on the good times and their impact on your life should provide consolation, but it doesn't. It carries with it pain and anger.

It's tough for you to fight off thoughts of regret and guilt as you recall moments when you didn't pay attention to him as much as you should have. When he was expecting you and you prioritized work, friends, and other connections above him. You recall numerous times when you could have been compassionate, caring, and demonstrative of your true feelings toward him. He was always up for a kiss or a hug. But, back then, you thought expressing your emotions made you appear weak and stupid. "If I could just have a little more time with him," you say aloud, hoping to persuade someone to give you a few more days together. But you know deep down that this isn't possible.

You're well aware that his days are numbered. And you're at a loss on what to do. On the one hand, grief is tearing you apart. You are struggling to comprehend the reality of his approaching loss, to the point of frequently crying and feeling a profound sense of emptiness. On the other hand, you realize you have a front-row seat to this enigmatic and important transition, and you want his final days to be serene, if not joyful. You want him to know how much you love him and appreciate having him in your life.

The clock on the wall continues to tick. He’s still with you. You pull your phone from your pocket and find an article that piques your interest. The heading says, "How to Support a Loved One Who Is Dying," and you start reading.

Dealing with the impending death of a loved one is a very difficult and stressful moment. It's perfectly acceptable to feel overwhelmed, upset, furious, terrified, guilty, or any other emotion. No matter what others, including our inner voice, say, our feelings are valid. These feelings reveal our great attachment to our loved ones and are a natural reaction to the prospect of their impending absence from our lives. It’s critical that we allow ourselves to grieve and express our emotions in a healthy way. We must be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions at our own pace. If necessary, we should seek help from friends, family, or experts who can provide understanding and assistance during this difficult time.

Now, let’s turn our attention to the one passing away. When someone is dying, their needs may differ depending on their circumstances and preferences. However, there are a number of frequent areas where they may require our assistance, beginning with physical comfort. This includes aid with pain management and symptom treatment, as well as maintaining a calm and peaceful environment. There’s also emotional support. Being there with them, at their bedside, for example, prevents them from dying alone. Finally, they will require our reassurance. Uncertainty and fear are also part of their experience, and our role at that moment should be to just be there for them, offering comfort and companionship.

Notice that I’ve been using terminology like “loved one,” “the one,” and “someone” up until now. This is because any of these suggestions are equally applicable to a dying person as they are to a dying animal. If you, like me, have had the companionship of a pet at some point in your life, you know that our four-legged pals are part of our family, and their departure may be as painful as that of a human being.

Linda Bryce’s book The Courage to Care contains 10 principles for supporting a dying person, three of which I will focus on. First, be mindful of our energy. Everyone in the room, including the dying individual, blends their energy. They may emanate anger or melancholy depending on their emotional state. They can also be in an energy state of deep gratitude and love. When they are anxious, we may project a calm and understanding presence. If there’s a sense of tranquility, it must be matched by a sense of peace.

Second, think about how we communicate. We should promote open and honest dialogue. Allow the individual to communicate their emotions, anxieties, and desires. However, being a sympathetic listener entails more than simply sitting calmly while the other person speaks. Deep listening focuses on what’s said, how it’s stated, and the tone, inflection, and emotions that are expressed or suppressed. Giving signs that we are paying attention is part of actively listening. In terms of speaking, we should wait before speaking. Because we are afraid of death, we will say anything to divert attention away from what’s going on. Don’t do that; people have the desire to feel normal, and any significant deviation from our usual behavior makes them feel self-conscious. It's worth noting that sometimes we just need to sit in silence with each other and recognize our profound unspoken connection.

Finally, let them know that we see the entire person in front of us. They now represent only a portion of their being, not the entirety of who they are. We need to show them that we care about them beyond their current physical, mental, and emotional state. That we can observe their entire human existence. We should offer simple words of comfort and consolation: “You're safe,” “You're loved,” and “You're not alone.” Let’s also help them in looking back to develop a sense of pride and accomplishment for all they have done and been, even with the inevitable diversions. They may require our support in demonstrating the significance of their lives. Finally, we should also assist them in seeing the future. Tell them that we will remember them, miss them, and be sad for them. But that they can rest certain that we will be fine once they’re gone.

Judith Johnson emphasizes in her book, Making Peace with Death and Dying, that in the end, only kindness matters. Choosing to forgive, heal, and let go of past dynamics with the dying person allows us all to lighten up and focus on what matters most: giving him or her a compassionate sendoff. Is there anything that needs to be stated to make amends for a previous misunderstanding? We may be amazed at how a few genuine words can cut through layers and years of hurt feelings to expose an eager sensitivity and invitation to love and care for one another once more. It’s important to note that true forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves rather than something we do for the other person. Let’s not leave any regrets behind.

Then there's gratitude, which can be shown verbally or by meaningful actions. We should express our heartfelt gratitude with a simple touch or by emphasizing the qualities we admire most about the other person. Don't presume that our loved one understands how grateful we are for them. Show them and tell them over and over. It's not so much a matter of saying "thank you" as it is of continually demonstrating our gratitude via our attitude and behavior.

Finally, there’s letting go. Yes, they will no longer be available for hugs or phone calls. But we must convince them that the love that ties us doesn’t expire with death. To do so, we must intentionally choose to accept our loved one's death and release them. This is a deliberate act of love to ensure that we don’t hold them back.

Goodbye my dear mom, goodbye my dear dad. Goodbye my dear sister, goodbye my dear brother. Goodbye my dear love, goodbye my dear companion. Goodbye my dear furry friend, goodbye my dear soulmate. If someone you love is dying, I’m sorry. I know this is really hard for you. My deepest condolences to you and anyone else who might be affected by this situation. I hope the following poem by Henry Scott-Holland (1847-1918), “Death is Nothing at All”, brings you peace and hope:

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.

I am I, and you are you,

and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. July 1, 2023.

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