How to be an attention seeking twat on LinkedIn without looking like you’re trying.

LinkedIn used to be simple. Networking and jobs. Jobs and networking. Easy.

Then a bunch of attention seekers showed up with their dirty Facebook ways. They introduced weird stuff like their absurd morning routines, their families, their latest podcast episode, and their God forsaken TED Talks.

So, as online boasting has become an essential LinkedIn skill, I want to give you some tips for how to look like you're awesome, without looking like you’re trying. Here goes.

1. The Blunt Instrument 🔨

The most unsophisticated way to tell people what you’ve done is just to say it straight. For example: 

“On the train to London for an all-day client workshop, after a 5.00am coaching session with my Australian client. Need to keep my energy levels up for this evening’s client Mastermind Group”.

Note the casual mention of three client sessions in a day, which is what this post is really about. You’ll get a few likes for this. But for every like, you’ll get 100 people who think you’re a dick.

2. It’s getting better all the time 📈

There’s no better way to brag, yet look modest, than to write about your improvement. Like this:

"I presented to an audience of 1,000 people at The Law Society today. It’s been a while, but beginning to feel like my old self".

The self-deprecating tone disguises the real reason for the post, which is to say, "This kind of thing is actually normal for me because I’m fucking awesome".

3. The motivational quote 👊

For the personal trainers and fitness freaks who think we all want to know, here’s a handy way to tell people what a beast you are. Post a motivational quote saying something  like:

"Failure is success in progress",  with a comment underneath that says, "Had this in my head during this morning’s 10-mile, uphill run".

It’s a double whammy. Not only are you letting people know you’ve been running, but also that you’ve overcome some major personal challenge in order to do so. You’re double awesome!

4. This? Oh I do this all the time 🤷

A great way to let everyone know you’re somebody important now, is the nonchalant status update about the prestigious surroundings you’ve found yourself in.

A simple “And breathe” underneath a photo of you in the BA Business Class Lounge at Heathrow, will do the trick.

The laid back comment is saying, “Despite my busy schedule, I made my flight”, but the subtext is saying “Look at me. I travel Business Class because I'm awesome”.

5. The absurd back story 🙄

The emotional origin story is always a winner. It reads like a country and western song played backwards. The wife returns, you get the house back, and your dog rises from the dead.

It goes something like:

“I was raised in a pot hole on the M4, living on insects and dust. But through a sheer refusal to accept pot hole life, I now run a seven figure business”.

Optionally you can finish with “Here are ten things pot-holes taught me about leadership”.

You’ll get lots of likes and heart emojis, mainly from life coaches, but no-one who matters to your business. But, you know, engagement.

6. The self-deprecation special 😌

This is one to keep up your sleeve for awards season.

It’s where you feign total surprise at some towering achievement. It usually goes:

"I know it’s just a minor awards show, with only a few entrants, on a Tuesday night, but somehow we managed to win the Recruiter of The Year Award".

The true purpose of this post could be achieved by deleting all the words up to and including "somehow".

7. The joke 😜

And finally, making light of something big, for the sole purpose of telling everyone about the something big. A post that goes a bit like: 

"Why am I here? I didn’t even vote Labour 🤣🤣” (author's note: emojis are mandatory). 

It's just a smokescreen for saying, "I’ve got a meeting at Number 10".

So there you have it, all the skills you need to hit the ground boasting. And given that everything else on LinkedIn is people grinding away writing how-to posts and listicles, you're guaranteed to stand out 😎.

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