How to navigate a conflict with your boss

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“You can disagree without being disagreeable.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Ponder this…

Conflicts happen at work; it’s a normal part of collaboration. However, some situations are easier to handle than others. It’s one thing to disagree with a colleague, but things get more complicated when you have a beef with your boss.

It’s important to raise concerns – especially if what’s happening is impacting your work and wellbeing – but that’s easier said than done. The power dynamics between you and your boss are unequal, and it’s natural to worry about potential blowback. Indeed, you’ll need to apply more finesse when navigating differences with your boss. Here’s how:

Weigh your options

Anger and frustration are powerful emotions, and can easily cloud your thinking. Global stress levels and burnout are high, and those feelings may be magnified during a conflict. So before you proceed, zoom out and assess whether you may be making a mountain out of a molehill. 

First, ask yourself: Is what happened a pattern of behavior or a one-off occurrence? Some instances can be chalked up to a bad day or a frustrating situation, but if their behavior has been consistently problematic, it’s unlikely to change until you say something. 

Then, consider how important this issue is to you. Is this a hill you’re willing to die on? Most managers want to do right by their teams, but there are always exceptions. Before you navigate this disagreement, consider who you’re dealing with. How have they previously responded to constructive feedback? Were they appreciative, or defensive? Once you have a decent understanding of their likely reaction, you’ll have a better idea of how to proceed. 

Timing is everything

Be thoughtful about when you want to address your boss. If they’re amid a crisis or setback, steer clear until they’re less stressed and distracted. Even the time of day can affect how we make decisions; researchers have found that judges are more likely to issue favorable rulings at the beginning of the workday or after lunch. You may want to schedule a time with your manager in the morning or early afternoon when they’re not hungry or eager to get out the door at the end of the day. 

When it’s time to talk, ensure you are also rested, fed, and calm. How we feel physically and emotionally can greatly impact our ability to work with others. 

Get in the right headspace 

As urgent as the disagreement may feel, take time to get in the right headspace before you talk with your boss. As wronged as you may feel, an accusatory tone won’t help your case and will likely put your manager on the defensive. 

Take a moment to consider your boss’ perspective. Focusing on why you’re “right” isn’t helpful. Instead, imagine their thoughts and feelings and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. By considering your manager’s perspective and your culpability in the situation, you’ll be better prepared for a productive conversation.

Find common ground 

How you open your conversation can make or break its outcome. Rooting your discussion in a shared goal and striking a collaborative tone sets the stage for a productive conversation.  If you’re talking about a particular project, something like “I know we both want this project to succeed” will work. If the issue concerns how your boss relates to you or others, you might say, “It’s important to me that I make a strong contribution to the team and that we have an honest relationship. Can I talk to you about something weighing on my mind?”

Stick to the facts

No matter how wronged you feel, choose your words and tone carefully. Phrases like “you always” or “you never” can trigger defensiveness and escalate the conflict. Starting your statements with “I” or “we” will show them that you’re on the same team. When you do share your perspective, avoid speculation and judgment. Instead, ground your assertions in objective information.

For example, you might say, “During our last 1:1, I noticed you checked your phone multiple times while I was sharing my ideas. It makes me feel like what I’m saying isn’t valued.” Once you’ve shared what happened, indicate how you hope to work together to resolve things, and ask them open-ended questions to understand their perspective better. 

Know when to de-escalate 

No matter how much you prepare and finesse, it’s possible that your boss won’t respond well to your concerns, so be prepared with a response should the conversation go sideways. If your boss gets defensive — or offensive — do your best to remain calm. Don’t interject, and keep your body language neutral. When emotions are running high, pausing the conversation is often best. Don’t try to force a conclusion. Instead, you might say, “I’m sorry I’ve upset you; I was hoping this could help us work better together. Can we talk again later?” 

No one likes conflict, especially with their boss, but resentment isn’t a good long-term option either. When you find yourself in this tricky situation, preparation can go a long way. Assessing the risks, optimizing your approach, and creating a game plan can help you reach a satisfying resolution — together.

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