The Imposter Within

We hear a lot nowadays about mental health; especially men’s mental health. I think we all get the picture:

·       We’re great at helping others but rubbish at helping ourselves;

·       We often deal with stress through self-medication because showing true feelings is seen as weak;

·       We are pretty mediocre communicators (but boy we sure can read a map);

·       It’s all about our mates but so many of us don’t have genuine friends we can call mates;

·       We are reluctant to seek professional help even when we realise something’s not right physically or mentally;

·       When we do get together with mates we’d rather hang shit than go deep; and

·       We feel the burden to provide, be the best, and juggle competing priorities when we aren’t great jugglers or necessarily the best at anything.

And it’s this last point I want to discuss. It’s known as imposter syndrome. It’s something that’s rarely touched on but getting more prevalent especially because of social media. It is no respecter of boundaries. It doesn’t care whether you’re a professional, a tradie, an apprentice, a trainee, a stay at home Dad.  When it strikes it strikes.

So, what is it? It’s been defined as the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills. Further it involves looking around the room thinking everyone has the right to be there other than you. It’s chronic self-doubt.

And social media makes this worse because the curated life (Instagram or Facebook) or work life (LinkedIn) presents your colleagues achievements mostly without blemishes and it’s hard to not judge yourself poorly by comparison when you're in the trenches dodging bullets and accumulating battle scars. Looking up and seeing colleagues you know through LinkedIn tackling issues with ease, dispensing wisdom like Simon Sinek, being vulnerable but really on top of things like Brene Brown and picking up awards like Tom Hanks it’s hard not to feel inferior.

So how to overcome this burden, limiting mindset and cause of anxiety.

• Talk about your feelings. There may be others who feel like imposters too – it’s better to have an open dialogue rather than harbour negative thoughts alone. Discussions I've had around this topic often have the other person saying "me too".

• Consider the context. Most people will experience moments or occasions where they don’t feel 100% confident. There may be times when you feel out of your depth and self-doubt can be a normal reaction. If you catch yourself thinking that you are useless, reframe it: “the fact that I feel useless right now does not mean that I really am.”

• Re-frame failure as a learning opportunity. Find out the lessons and use them constructively in future. This is a critical lesson for everyone. Pretty much everyone has failed at something sometime.

• Be kind to yourself. Remember that you are entitled to make small mistakes occasionally and forgive yourself. Don’t forget to reward yourself for getting the big things right.

• Seek support. Everyone needs help: recognise that you can seek assistance and that you don’t have to do everything alone. This will give you a good reality check and help you talk things through.

• Visualise your success. Keep your eye on the outcome – completing the task or making the presentation, which will keep you focused and calm.

And one last thing to reflect on – maybe when you’re coming out of that meeting or other situation in which you felt a minnow, the other participants are leaving in awe of you and your contribution!