The Inner Critic

"Listen to the inner voice that allows you to be you!"

~ Elvis Stojko

What do you say when you talk to yourself? Weird question, right? And yet many authors believe that we talk incessantly to ourselves! Studies have shown that the inner voice can speak at 4000 words per minute. Charles Fernyhough in “The Voices Within” shares that this is 10 times faster than talking out loud. The author adds that this internal voice still has elements of conversation and can contain different perspectives even arguing and conferring. Admit it…you do talk to yourself!

Another author, Ethan Kross, in “Chatter” contends that humans developed an inner voice for the purpose of evaluating their past and to prepare for the future. These inner voices facilitate introspection and reflection allowing us the opportunity to analyze past behaviors and grow from any mistakes while at the same time anticipating when a behavior can create a challenge. So how do these voices go awry? Our brains can only hold so much information and we need the executive functions of the brain to focus on where we want to go. When the internal “chatter” becomes excessive, it takes away our ability to focus on what’s most important. 

However, the inner voice can also be a help to us. When self-talk is positive, it can cheer us up when things do not go our way, support and encourage us to try out new ideas and strengthen relationships. Our inner voice can also open us to new perspectives by finding solutions we didn’t think possible and even new relationships that can help us achieve our dreams. It is when we slide into listening to the inner critic voice, we find self-confidence eroding, responding to situations with less grace than usual, and possibly even damaging relationships. This voice makes it difficult to recover from taxing situations and can even lead to miscalculations about events and people. 

We must remember that words matter. The words your inner voice uses can become toxic when negative. Susan David in “Emotional Agility” calls the runaway negativity “monkey-mindedness” comparing it to monkeys that swing from tree to tree without a thought about what’s happening or where they are going. When monkey-mindedness is negative, the internal chatterbox as David calls it, continues to add fuel to the fire of the negative thinking building with each thought. The mind quickly moves from past grievances to assumptions of the future without checking for evidence. The language is judgmental and is laden with could’ve, would’ve and should’ve. As a coach, I frequently scan my own inner voice and that of my clients to assess the tone, tenor and judgement of that voice. This is also true for what is spoken out loud. Stop for a moment and reflect on what your inner voice is sharing with you right now. Where is your focus?

Ideas For Calming the Inner Voice

Monitor your Thoughts

Edith Eger in “The Gift” offers that our thoughts and beliefs determine and frequently limit how we feel, what we do and what we think is possible. Being able to notice what our thoughts and beliefs are telling us is a step in the right direction to calming the inner voice. Steven Hayes in “A Liberated Mind’ shares that we need to shift from a focus on what we are thinking and feeling to focusing on how we relate to what we think and feel. Like Eger, placing emphasis is on learning to step back from what you are thinking, notice it, and open up to what you are observing about the experience without judging. Hayes suggests that efforts to avoid or control our thoughts or feelings are ineffective. Rather, he proposes that we need to focus our energies on taking positive actions that can alleviate our distress. Kross shares that being able to distance yourself from your thoughts can help to turn down the chatter. Knowing what works for you whether it’s going for a walk or a drive, listening to music or deep breathing exercise may help you reframe the experience and gain perspective. 

Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Work

This is a critical skill-the avoidance of comparing yourself with others. In all walks of life, there are going to be people who have it better than you while some have it worse. David, from above, guides us to keep our eyes on our own work. If you must compare, think about how you might build the quality/ability you think is missing from your life. For example, if you think someone is a better leader, what leadership skills can you add to your quiver?

Surround Yourself with Positive People. 

Shawn Achor in “Big Potential” shares that having motivated, highly engaged, and creative people around you has a positive influence on your own attributes. These people can be inspirational, support you when times are difficult, and help to bring out the best version of you. If this is one of the ways you want to calm your voice, having a number of these people in your life will create a multiplying effect on your potential.

Celebrate Yourself

Track your achievements throughout the day, week and month. The size doesn’t matter, only your acknowledgment of successes. Most people do not stop to recognize how far they have come before moving on to the next thing. The question of “what are you most proud of” is often met with how the mark has been missed in some way. By celebrating even the smallest of achievements, we build a pathway to celebrating the bigger accomplishments. It’s a strength to pause to celebrate before taking on the next challenge.

Release the Shoulds

Too many people “beat up” on themselves with the words should have, could have, or would have. These words indicate a sense of failure and take the individual into a downward spiral. These words talk about the past and not what is possible for the future. I have worked with clients, who while trying to relax, maintain a constant stream of inner chatter about what they “should be doing”. My guidance has always been to assess whether you need to relax or take action. You are either doing something or you are not. It is important to not make yourself feel bad by ruminating about the things you are not doing. If relaxation is the goal, releasing the “should be doings” will provide the space for peace.

Practice Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff in “Fierce Self-Compassion” shares that self-compassion contains three components; kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Kindness allows us to comfort and soothe ourselves when we are experiencing difficulties. Common humanity gives us the wisdom to recognize that we are not alone in our struggles and that many are experiencing shared human experiences. Finally, mindfulness takes us back to our thoughts and feelings to determine how we want to process them. Most people can offer compassion to others when they make mistakes, forget important events, and are not able to perform at their best. And yet, they find it difficult to offer the same compassion to self. A good question is to ask yourself, “how would I handle this situation if my best friend was experiencing it”? Then give yourself that compassion.

A quote attributed to Socrates is “Is it kind; is it true; is it necessary?” While this is an awesome question to ask yourself before sharing with others, it is even more important to use this filter with yourself. As you reflect on your thoughts today, ask yourself these three questions. If you respond no to any of them, then it’s time to challenge the thoughts you are having and create ones that fit this filter.