Kermit Almost Dies While Miss Piggy Abandons Him and Runs Off to Cauliflower Land...

Kermit the Frog had spent years sacrificing his well-being to keep the peace with Miss Piggy, a self-absorbed hurricane in heels. For months, he had been ignoring his own health… dizziness, weakness, and shortness of breath were becoming his norm. There was no time to think about himself when Miss Piggy’s endless demands filled every moment. Whenever he mentioned feeling unwell, she dismissed him with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “Oh, Kermie, moi is exhausted too! Do you know how hard it is to stay this fabulous? Maybe you’re the reason I’m so tired!”

Kermit, ever the kind-hearted frog, stayed silent and kept trudging along, putting Piggy’s needs ahead of his own survival. One day, after nearly passing out behind the wheel, he realized he couldn’t keep ignoring the warning signs. Weak and scared, he drove himself to the ER, collapsing into a chair in the waiting room.

The doctors ran a barrage of tests and discovered the problem. Severe anemia caused by internal bleeding had left him dangerously close to death. “You’re lucky you came in when you did,” the doctor said. “Another day, and you would have been in a coma or worse.” Kermit felt relief that he had acted in time, but it was fleeting. He knew he had to call Piggy, and he dreaded it more than the surgery itself.

When he told her he needed emergency surgery, Miss Piggy’s reaction was as predictable as it was cold. “Surgery? Oh, Kermie, don’t be so dramatic. Moi had surgery once, and it was way worse. Remember when I had a wart removed off my hoof? Honestly, darling, you need to stop making everything about you.” She didn’t ask what was wrong or when the surgery was happening. Instead, she cut the call short with a breezy, “Anyway, moi is very busy. Bye-bye!”

While Kermit was being prepped for surgery, Piggy wasn’t rushing to his side. She was at home, packing her bags and clearing out the house. Not only had she decided to leave for Cauliflower Land, she had rented out their house and was funneling the money into her private account. She left Kermit a list of chores to complete before the tenants moved in, with a hostage demand letter that read…  “Prepare everything perfectly. Don’t forget to send me money. Love, Piggy.”

When Kermit woke up groggy and stitched up, there was no sign of Piggy. No flowers. No comforting words. Nothing. A nurse handed him a note scrawled in pink glitter pen: “Gone to Cauliflower Land. Don’t wait up. XO, Piggy.”

Kermit returned home with strict instructions to rest, but rest wasn’t an option. The house was in shambles, stripped of anything useful, and Piggy’s to-do list loomed like a cruel joke. Weak and hooked to an IV pole, Kermit scrubbed floors, folded towels, and prepared the house for tenants... all while Piggy basked in the glow of attention from her admirers in Cauliflower Land.

Piggy wasn’t just gone… she was surrounded by her usual entourage of ex-lovers and enablers, telling everyone how much she had sacrificed for Kermit. “He’s so needy,” she’d sigh dramatically, conveniently leaving out that she had abandoned him when he was fighting for his life. Piggy wasn’t just selfish… she was a black hole of narcissism, sucking the life out of everyone around her while giving nothing in return.

As Kermit worked, he couldn’t help but reflect on the truth of his relationship. Piggy wasn’t a loving partner… she was a cold, manipulative taker who had spent years draining him emotionally and financially. She didn’t care about him… she cared about what he could do for her. And when he could no longer meet her demands, she moved on without a second thought.

Kermit couldn’t even be angry at her… it was like being mad at a three-year-old throwing a tantrum. You can’t reason with someone who lives in a fantasy where they’re always the victim and everyone else is to blame. All you can do is cross the street and hope you’re not their next target.

The moral of the story? Some people are so consumed by their own needs they will abandon you without hesitation when you need them most. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. As for Miss Piggy? She’s still in Cauliflower Land, surrounded by admirers, spinning tales of her “sacrifices” and telling everyone how hard her life is. Because in her universe, it’s always about Piggy.

Peter J. Merrick, TEP