Kermit’s Old Sow Ribbiting Reality: Miss Piggy Discovers Facebook

Kermit the Frog, the tireless family man, spent his days hopping through life with love and loyalty, all while Miss Piggy treated him like a glorified ATM. He was the classic beta provider... dutifully bringing home the metaphorical bacon while Miss Piggy made it clear he wasn’t her Prince Charming, just her piggy bank.

Miss Piggy’s relationship with Kermit was as one-sided as a lily pad in a drought. She offered him nothing but cold shoulders and colder glances. “Oh, Kermie,” she’d snort, “Don’t smother me with your affection. I need space to focus on me.” Meanwhile, she spent her evenings scrolling Facebook, diving into the profiles of old flames like Jimbo, the bullfrog she once called her “swamp soulmate.”

Jimbo and the others weren’t exactly her proudest achievements. They were frogs who had taken what she eagerly offered back in the day and hopped off without looking back. Yet, in Miss Piggy’s mind, they were her great what-ifs. Facebook became her stage for rekindling old romances, weaving a web of messages dripping with fake sentiment. “Jimbo,” she typed, “I was just reminiscing about our magical nights together. Do you ever wonder what could have been?”

While Kermit worked late, obliviously saving for family vacations Miss Piggy never appreciated, she planned “trips” back to her home state of Cauliflower Land. To Kermit, she was reconnecting with relatives. To Miss Piggy, these trips were strategic missions to rekindle sparks with frogs who once ghosted her. She’d return home reeking of a new perfume and a self-satisfied smirk, while Kermit happily... obliviously asking, “Did you have fun, dear?”

Her cruelty didn’t stop there. Miss Piggy introduced Jimbo to Kermit’s kids, parading him as “Uncle Jimbo” and gushing about his charm. “Oh, Kermie, isn’t Jimbo just wonderful? He’s so worldly!” Kermit, ever clueless, just smiled and nodded.

Miss Piggy’s treatment of Kermit was as calculated as it was heartless. She basked in the attention of frogs who had no interest in her beyond her dramatics, while freezing out the one frog who gave her love. To her, Kermit was just Beta Bob, the reliable safety net who asked for nothing and got even less.

After narrowly escaping with his sanity and life, Kermit reflected on his marriage with Miss Piggy. As much as he wanted to be mad, he couldn’t. He’d ignored all the signs from the beginning. Miss Piggy’s narcissism, her need for constant validation, her lack of self-awareness... it was all there, as obvious as a pig in a tutu. The trail of broken frogs she’d left in her wake was legendary, and as she aged into an old sow, there would only be fewer frogs willing to fall into her trap.

As Kermit laid his head down to sleep, he muttered to himself with a comforting smile, “I was not special. She was never mine... it was just my turn.” And with that, the frog finally found his peace.

Peter

Note to reader: these blogs are pure works of fiction.