Is Kindness Killing Your Career?

There are all kinds of reasons why people withhold constructive criticism. But not all of them have to do with fear of retaliation, or a lack of opportunity. Sometimes your co-workers and colleagues aren't giving you the honest feedback you need... because they like you too much!

Let's be clear from the beginning: I believe in kindness. Kindness is a good thing, and being kind **does NOT automatically mean you're in the situation described in this article.**

BUT... If, like me and many others, you subscribe to the philosophy of attracting flies with honey instead of vinegar, there's a chance you're not hearing the feedback that will help you grow to your fullest potential.

I have experienced this in my own life, and have anecdotally witnessed this in client situations as well. People might be willing to give logistical feedback... but they're really hesitant to say the stuff that matters the most.

It's easy to procrastinate on telling someone you like that they interrupt too often, or that they could benefit from a writing class, or that they're bringing more of their cats to work than they realize... or, as a YouTube viewer once told me, that "the lighting in your videos looks like you're a hostage in a basement."

Ouch. Note taken. New light kit ordered.

Your career will thrive when you're growing constantly through helpful feedback. It will stagnate if you're getting away without performing at your highest caliber because people like you.

We NEED this feedback, friends. It doesn't need to be delivered as harshly as my YouTube viewer offered it to me, but it DOES need to be delivered. To help make sure you are growing to your highest potential, this article outlines:

1) Some of the kind person behavior that lends itself to this problem, and

2) How to make sure you get the feedback you need without changing who you are.

1. THE BEHAVIOR

Kind people are likely to:

1. Give others grace for their missteps... and therefore earn grace in return. Nothing wrong with that! But, if you tend to give grace without acknowledgement of missteps, you're likely also to earn grace without acknowledgement of your missteps.
2. Focus on the positive aspects of others... so naturally, others focus on your positive aspects as well. Most of the time this is good, but sometimes others interpret a focus on positivity as an inability to handle negativity.
3. Greet and befriend new people... and overtime earn a sense of admiration from team members who recognize you as their first new friend when they felt vulnerable. Admiration and respect are great! But sometimes we are reluctant to even acknowledge the shortcomings of people once we've put them on a pedestal.
4. Champion healthy culture initiatives... and earn a reputation for being a critical piece of what's good about a company (and in some cases, I've heard team members referred to as "the only good thing about working here!") Being a culture protagonist is so important, but if too much credit gets thrown our way, others will catastrophize in their brains about what would happen if you left. Giving you constructive criticism could feel too risky!
5. Develop office friendships... which are natural and great, but also blur the lines and make it hard to tell where the lines of friendship end and the responsibilities of a colleague to say what needs to be said begin.

Dear kind people: KEEP DOING EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST. And thank you for being the good you wish to see in your life, office, community and world! Your behavior does not need to change, but it may need to be supplemented.

2. THE SOLUTION

Make sure you're doing this to make sure you don't get stuck in professional rut, or unintentionally create a power dynamic in which no one feels like they have the authority to confront you about something.

1. Model it by giving helpful feedback to others: The trick to "helpful feedback" (receivable + actionable) is to be sure your kindness is balanced equally with clarity and honesty. You're not doing your scene partner any favors by withholding information that will help them grow... or by being so vague to avoid hurting feelings that they're not sure what happened. (<-- I've been on both sides of that!) Note that depending on the situation, you may need to ask first before offering feedback.
2. Interrupt the pattern. If you're already in an office friendship situation where you're not often (or maybe never!) getting constructive feedback, try saying something like: "Hey - I really appreciate our friendship. I have really big goals for my career, so I hope you know that part of being my friend is telling me if and when I'm getting in my own way. I trust and respect your professional insight, and am totally open to your feedback. Just letting you know!" I'll say right here that this is how you *start* the shift - it can't be left here. See #3
3. Ask for specific feedback, and give people enough lead time to get their thoughts together. This will help people push through their fears of hurting your feelings or damaging a relationship, and most importantly, to push through the fog of how much they generally like you. I recently had a client in this situation (extremely nice guy and caring leader who reported that when he was asking for feedback, people didn't have anything to say.) I told him to reach out proactively about a week in advance and ask for people's feedback on a few key issues. Here's a generalized template you can use based on the one I created for him:

Hi <Name of Employee> ,

I'm setting aside some time to hear feedback on <date>. I'd really like to hear from you about your experience <with X situation>. Specifically, I'd like to hear from you about my <performance item related to this thing>. Would you be willing to talk with me for ~30 minutes on that day? I'd love to hear your feedback on:

Specific example 1

Specific example 2

Specific example 3

I deeply value your time and willingness to offer your perspective with thoughtfulness and candor. If you've got any other feedback about <general situation>, and/or ideas to share about improvements going forward, I would also welcome that information during our time together.

Thanks so much,

<Your Name>

If it's helpful to see, here are the specific examples I suggested:

• Whether or not you've found me to be accessible during this transition
• Whether or not you've found me to be approachable during this transition
• Whether or not you've received clear, actionable guidance and instruction from me during this transition
• Whether or not you've felt the ability to make your needs known to me during this transition

If we're being honest, our kindness isn't JUST about honoring the people around us... we also want them to like us, right? I'll be honest that I've tiptoed around saying what I meant in the past because I cared too much what others thought of me. I've been assured that I'm not alone as a kind person fighting the "people pleaser demon."

It's vulnerable to elicit feedback in a way where you're likely to hear something that stings. Hesitance around feedback that is, at least in part, about self preservation. So if you feel reluctant to fish for critical feedback, just remember everything you have to gain. By being proactive about soliciting real feedback, you'll be contributing to a healthy office culture, building deeper relationships with the people around you and growing to your fullest potential!

About the Author: Andrea Flack-Wetherald is the creator of The Art of Confrontation™ and owner of &Beyond, a leadership development & corporate culture consultancy.

She teaches her clients mindful improv skills for conflict engagement, confrontation strategy and feedback process creation and implementation.