A lesson 21 years in the making

My wife and I have been together for almost 21 years. We started dating when we were 15, and I can't believe I ever lived a day without her.

(Don't worry, this isn't an article about how much I love my wife... I'm saving that one for when I REALLY screw-up.)

This article is about a phenomenon I noticed during our high school years together that formed the basis for my 2nd basic principle of relationship development.

On Friday and Saturday nights in high school, all I wanted to do was hop on the 88 Septa bus and scoot over to Kristin's house. As any lovestruck teenage boy could attest, I wanted to simply spend 1-on-1 time with my high school crush doing what high school kids do - sipping Capri Suns, watching the Phillies, and catching constant side-eye from her mom.

Her parents and I love each other so much, but let's be real... I was a 15 y/o boy with a pinwheel Phillies hat, tall baby blue t-shirt, chain out, Timberland boots, and started every sentence with "ayoo" and ended every sentence with "naaaamean??" I was a raised good kid who was polite and respectful, but any parent in America would've given me some extra side-eye with the way I looked.

But alas, it didn't matter. Most nights early in our relationship I couldn't go over anyway, because her house was constantly mobbed with all her girlfriends. Why were her girlfriends always predictably crowding her house? Because my wife was one of the hairdressers of the group.

Whew - she had them all looking right. Crimped, curled, braided... I think "slick back" and hoop earrings (a la J.Lo) was a big look at that time? Can't remember. All I remember was there being no room at the salon for a dude like me.

The second school let out for the weekend, the procession began. A parade of high school girls formed their predictable migration toward Draper St. knowing they'd eventually leave her basement looking their best, most confident selves. They left her house sporting their best styles, prepared for a riveting evening of drinking warm beer in the woods or standing in a 7-11 parking lot while a gaggle of awkward boys performed moronic stunts for attention.

While I didn't appreciate it at the time, I often look back at this predictable pattern as the inspiration for my 2nd basic principle of relationship development, which put simply states:

People predictably will gravitate towards people who make them look good and feel good.

So what does this tell us about relationship development?

For me, it's 2 things:

1️⃣ Make people look good

In-line with my first basic principle which exposes our tendency to operate under self-interest, we often enter new situations focused on how we appear to others. Again, this is natural and ought to be a primary concern when meeting new coworkers for the first time or walking into a meeting with prospective clients.

"How's my hair look? Are these pants too tight? Ugh, my phone keeps buzzing. Must be some drama in the family group chat right now; let me hide alerts and save that tea for later. OK, here we go..."

Our secondary concern, however, ought to be "how do I make these people look good?"

Have you started at a new company in the past year? Awesome, congratulations! How are you making your staff and peers look good for management? How are you making management look good for leadership? How are you making leadership look good in the marketplace?

If you have the opportunity to meet a leader in your organization, of course your thoughts will be focused on your own brand. Don't waste the opportunity to let that leader also know how helpful and welcoming your manager has been. How much you've learned from him/her or how motivating they are to the team (provided those statements are true of course).

Do you have a high-performing staffer that makes your life so much easier? Don't wait until performance review season to voice your admiration. Let everyone know how great this person is doing, attribute his/her name to something you've recently achieved to share the accolade, if appropriate.

Have you recently met a CXO at your client for the first time? Don't forget to talk about how impressed you've been with your friends who are at the manager/director level at that client.

Good news travels fast, and people talk... a lot. These people will soon discover you are the source of the brand-boosting comments. You are the proverbial hair dresser of the group. The result? Within months, you'll notice your manager will want to put you on more projects with her, your staffer will put the kibosh on some negative water cooler talk that involves your name, and your client friends will get promoted to VP and want to hire you for more work.

Make people look good, and they will predictably want to be around you more often and of course... make you look good in return.

2️⃣ Make people feel good

It wasn't just the resulting hair styling that attracted Kristin's friends to her house; it was the fun of coming together and blasting through a couple cans of hairspray while bouncing around to Usher and Justin Timberlake.

Decades later, any one of them will tell you that the act of coming together to get ready for the night was more fun than the night itself.

No one, regardless of title/stature/wealth, is beyond flattery and good vibes.

At 22 years-old I was sending senior leadership at KPMG emails letting them know how much it meant to me that they took the office out for dinner on their last visit to the Philly office and how much I appreciated their leadership. At the dinner itself, I asked them questions about their families and offered to mentor their kids who were nearing the end of their college careers.

If they were serious, I tried to make them smile. If they they were stressed, I offered to take something off their plate. If they asked for opinions, I provided my thoughtful responses. If they gave a nice speech, or used a great quote, or told a funny joke... I let them know.

It didn't matter that they were a "somebody" and I was a "nobody". A somebody will always remember when a nobody made them feel good about themselves. And when a somebody wants to be around a nobody, well... you too become a somebody.

The stature of the source doesn't factor into the equation when exchanging positive energy. You should never be too timid to make someone feel good about themselves because there are 20 rows between you and them in the org chart.

I always harkened back to that lesson born from high school weekend nights on Draper St. People want to be around people that make them feel good, and I continue those lessons today. You don't always have to be the life of the party, or shower people with contrived compliments for a personal gain. All you need to do is strive to have people leave your company feeling better than they did entering it.

Do this, and you'll have mastered my 2nd basic principle of relationship development.

P.S. I mean... look at that chain! No wonder she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me! 😍😍