A Letter of Compassion by a Recovering Perfectionist:

I have been a perfectionist most of my life. I think it started at age 4 when I went to my first ballet class. The amount of enthusiasm I felt for my pink tutu and my ballet shoes was only outshined by my knowing that I would get to dance. Dancing helped me to feel free, to enjoy my body and to connect with joy. I can remember the feeling I had in anticipation of the moment I could meet my first teacher and begin learning the steps. At the end of the first class, the dance instructor approached my mother and told her that I was "not right" for ballet. She noted my fallen arches and mentioned that it would be "quite a struggle" for me to ever learn to be graceful in pointe shoes.

In that moment, my brain took in messages about being "not enough" and perceived failure that I had no control over. A lot of us feel that we are mostly unaffected by a small circumstance such as the one I mentioned but let's consider the 4 year old brain. From ages 0-7 or so, human beings are basically walking around in a theta band frequency state, which best assists fantasy, daydreams and intuition. Our prefrontal cortex, responsible for regulating emotion, the organization of information and processing moment to moment information is one of the last places in our brains to mature. If we have any kind of experience in which we are told we are too much or not enough, our minds are unable to discern what is within our scope of control and what is not. We may imagine that there is something wrong with us or that perfection could have saved us. As a result we begin to develop core beliefs that affect our subconscious minds and formulate our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We may currently be running on old programming that has no business affecting our self concept and perception of our place in the world today.

I love to mess up old programming so I promised myself a letter to help me undo perfectionist thoughts, feelings and behaviors. As an adult it is my responsibility to help the part of my brain that decided I wasn't good enough to do something I loved. I no longer wish to hold onto a belief system which still affects my happiness and satisfaction with life.

Dear Self,

I would like to tell you that you have every right to dance. Dance as often as you like and forgive the people who kept you from learning when you were young. They were doing the best they could and could have done better. Now that we are grown, we understand that we get to speak our needs and desires. We can also change the pattern of not supporting our dreams.

Let's start with old thoughts related to feeling rejected and misunderstood and with our body not being good enough or "right" in some way. Some of the thoughts include, "People don't want you to be happy and maybe you don't deserve it. Other people decide what you can and cannot do. Your body is made wrong and not functional."

How can we shift this? How about: "Your dreams are valid because you deserve to be happy. All of us do. You are just as important as the next person. No one but you decides what you can or can not do. Your body can do so many things and those things can be explored."

Moving on to emotions now. I take three deep breaths and connect to my heart. What emotions are stored there and what comes to mind? Is it a shape or a color? A word or a phrase? After a few moments I am aware of anger, unforgiveness, deep sadness and envy. I allow myself to feel these feelings as they come up, I breathe through them. I set the intention to move these emotions out of my body. I visualize the old energy leaving and beautiful light entering my body and sit with that.

Finally, I look at my behaviors. What do I avoid because I don't feel good enough? What escape or defensive behaviors do I employ so that I can continue to put off managing the rejection I felt and still feel in other ways now?

As I think about it, what comes up for me is that I avoid loving anything too much and if I truly love it, I don't let myself have it. I can pay attention to how I feel and to move towards what feels joyful more often. I can also ensure that I am not trying to escape personal accountability and responsibility for my life. I will check in to see that I take appropriate steps and actions towards creating a satisfying life for myself.

I hope this helps you, too.