Listening is communication

Years ago, I was told that I leave body bags when I communicate. A colleague let me know that I did not leave space for opinions because I would come into meetings resolute and focused on next steps. The criticism was harsh but valuable. Especially as an executive, power dynamics ensure that few people provide constructive feedback, which is why the best executives actively seek it.

The feedback forced me to think about how I communicate. I am proactive, fearless, and hurried—traits not surprising for a founder. However, I hadn’t figured out where leadership and management diverge, and it was helpful to know my flaws.

What kind of communicator are you?

In a recent read, the author nailed my communication style. Africa Brooke divides communication styles as follows:

Assertive Plus Communicator: This is my communication style. I have a confident and leading voice.

• Strengths: Infectious and inspiring confidence, ensuring a group can work together and craft a path forward, an ability to lead projects and ensure things get done.
• Weaknesses: You can come off as too strong, overshadow others, and create an environment where only the loudest shine.

Harmonizing Communicator: You are a peacekeeper who values agreement and unity.

• Strengths: Often, the greater good comes at the cost of your personal opinions. You are able to get people on the same page, connect dots, and cool down a hot environment.
• Weaknesses: You prioritize other voices over your own and often mask your own positions.

Indirect Communicator: You are indirect and subtle in expression. You utilize nuanced phrases to mask feelings or thoughts.

• Strengths: You excel in sharing thoughts without conflict.
• Weaknesses: It is hard to decipher what you are saying, even though you are talking. Listeners often have to read between the lines due to your aversion to being direct.

Assertive Communicator: You are balanced in communication and leave listeners feeling heard. You manage to simultaneously maintain your own positions alongside theirs.

• Strengths: You have a gift for straightforward, clear communication. Listeners feel heard and appreciated, and trust is formed easily with your communication style.
• Weaknesses: You can be seen as intense.

Listening is communication

A decade ago, a friend referred to Beyoncé as a “surgical listener.” I don’t recall how he arrived at the observation or why he was hanging out with Beyoncé, but the description is etched in my brain. Now that you know how you communicate, it is crucial to know how you listen. Brooke also offers a framework for your listening style.

Analytical Listener: You focus on details and have an ability to apply fast logic which gets you to the root of things.

• Strengths: Precision is your weapon. You can catch nuance and specifics and will challenge oversimplification.
• Weaknesses: You may miss the broader message or emotional nuance.

Global Listener: You see the whole forest, not just the trees. You get the big picture.

• Strengths: Your big-picture thinking focuses on the purpose of the conversation; you don’t get stuck in the weeds.
• Weaknesses: Small and critical details can elude you.

Relational Listener: You are tuned into the emotional pulse of the conversation and may consider yourself an empath.

• Strengths: People feel heard around you, as you create a safe space for sharing.
• Weaknesses: Your focus on emotions may come at the cost of facts.

Task-Oriented Listener: Your ear is scanning for solutions, actions, and results. You excel in figuring things out and fixing them.

• Strengths: You are pragmatic, efficient, and to the point. You can bulldoze through conversations and heated disputes to get to productive outcomes.
• Weaknesses: You may jump to a solution or conclusion before understanding all the details. Impatience may be a vice.

How to become a better communicator

If you know your communication style and your listening style, you can search for gaps. Understand your weaknesses (pro tip: watch a recording of yourself) and ask for feedback.

• Use up-speak carefully (when your statements sound like a question rather than a statement).
• Get your tone right.
• Get your pitch right.
• Get your speed right (fast talkers: pronounce the last letter of every word).
• Learn how and when to pause.

How to Become a Better Visual Communicator

• Learn to hold eye contact.
• Keep your hands in your power zone, between your torso and shoulders.
• Get your posture right.
• Understand and control your facial expressions.

Just yesterday, I was having a conversation with my mother, where I was expressing an opinion that I knew she would disagree with. For context, my mom and I rarely disagree on anything. The conversation was respectful and my points came across. At the end, I realized that my mom had seen my evolution through my various communication styles but hadn’t seen my approach to conflict in its current form. She had navigated disagreements with siblings, where the approach was especially catastrophic as a brooding teenager. So I laughed and asked, “Mama, are you proud of me? That was probably a different approach than what you saw growing up.” She immediately lit up and said, “Yeah. Very different. And very proud.”

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