Meaningful Friendships Don't Just Happen Organically. How Can Companies Help?

Most of the advice people give about making friendships involves taking concrete steps to put yourself near other people. Join a club or team, hang out with your kids’ friends’ parents (say that 3 times fast without lisping), or head back to church - for example. But if you’re looking to make more - and closer - friends, simply putting yourself in an environment with others isn’t necessarily going to make you a social superstar. 

This is because Close Friendships don’t “just happen”. They are never organic. 

The pervasive myth that friendships happen organically is a classic case of Hindsight Bias. That is, we forget exactly how things worked in the past because the details are seen through the haze of history. We know that we’ve been friends with Tami for 35 years, but we forget the effort it took to forge that connection in the first place. 

In fact, it took a village to help you make friends when you were younger. 

It Takes a Village

First off, your parents had to be part of the equation. They likely gave you permission to hang out with your friends, and often drove you and/or gave you money. They might have even been the source of the friendship, either by knowing your friend’s parents from work/school/church/family or by virtue of having moved you to a specific neighborhood. They may have even encouraged you in ways you don’t remember, like: suggesting you go out, buying you a phone, counseling you when you had drama, or even just by asking you questions about how you’re doing.

Your school also played a part. Mainly, you had to show up, putting you in arms reach of possible friends. Days always included some social time - recess, lunch or otherwise - where you could connect with your pals during sanctioned activities on or off the playground. Teachers and sports often demanded team events, and there were plenty of socials, formals, field trips and clubs to engage with your peers around. Whether high school or college, in Greek life or not, a big part of the social design of school is to facilitate friendships, and you probably took advantage of this.

And then there were your peers and non-parental advisors. They were probably pretty encouraging. Your friends scheduled events that included you and others, giving you a chance to network with peers and engage in bonding. And your non-parental advisors - whether family, RA, counselors, priests or otherwise - could be trusted to give you advice that would help you forge social bonds.

Most insidiously - but always in your favor - was society. At every turn in popular media, music or just cultural values, you were told that you should make friends. Everyone in your world had a frame of reference like “this is the best time to make friends” or “these friends will last a lifetime,” and so that context provided extra seasoning in the formation of your connections. 

The background and foreground of everything you did in your youth had an element of “let’s make friends” to it. And while we might not have acknowledged it at the time, a lot of resources were being poured into making it possible for us to create connections.

We Need to Invest in Adult Friendships

Youth friendship is a Multi-Trillion-Dollar Industry. 

Research show that the majority of our close friends are made before the age of 25. Is it any wonder, with all that investment, that this is true?

Now that you’re an adult, doing adult things, resources have shifted. Your parents and advisors may not play as significant of a role. Your friends, mentors and spouse may be busy and focused on other priorities. Society as a whole has become polarized and segregated in a way that tells you to narrow your bond-building. And, if you’re in the workplace, your company may be focused on the wrong ideas (Teams don’t need friends!) instead of being invested in helping you develop Bonded and Close friendships. 

But all this can change if we want it to. And it must. 

Our workplaces are the playgrounds of our adult lives. They are the one place most of us come together - 8+ hours per day, 5 days per week - where we don’t get to choose who is in our circle. This has magical potential - if we are willing to lean in and leverage it. 

We need to start investing in adult friendships if we want to reap the rewards. Namely: decreased loneliness, increased satisfaction, more opportunity and better, more resilient workplaces. If we spent even a small fraction of what we invested in our youth, we would be making a major dent in the biggest crises of our time: mental health, physical wellbeing, polarization and social upheaval - just to name a few. 

The MOSS Framework

At minimum, we should be demanding the same basic backing for friendship formation that we had in our youth, but updated for the reality of the workplace and our adult lives. 

I call this the MOSS Framework:

MONEY to pay for friendship formation. 

OPENNESS to a culture built on friendship. 

SKILLS development for building friendship. 

SUPPORT for when friendships encounter issues.

And smart companies should pay for it - willingly. After all, Friend Forward workplaces and individuals are happier, more productive, more loyal and less likely to churn. The dollars spent on fostering friendships in the office will be returned many times over in employee culture and output.

Your parents, schools and society invested in your friendships in your youth because we all agreed it was valuable. Each one of us learned - in our own youth - how important those connections were. Now that the Millennials, Gen Z and Gen Alpha are experiencing a catastrophic collapse of their social connections and wellbeing, we have to ask ourselves whether or not we’re allocating resources the right way. 

We need to be deliberate about making and keeping friends in adulthood. And our workplaces are the best, highest-leverage place to start. 

I believe that nothing magical ever “just happens.” Randomness is the world is a beautiful thing, but so is deliberate action and manifestation. The same thing is true of our effort to foster more and stronger Close Friendships in society. Through good design, openness and Friend Forward connection, adult relationships can not only survive, but collectively we can thrive. 

As always, I'd love to hear from you. To stay in touch, be sure to follow this newsletter. You can also connect with me directly if you want to make your workplace more Friend Forward, and capture the 700% increase in employee productivity and satisfaction that comes with better work friendships.

This post's body content made without AI