MY BURNOUT STORY

In November 2008, I found myself in a psychosomatic hospital in Bad Kissingen, Germany called Heiligenfeld-Klinik. A few weeks earlier, I had a series of doctor appointments. Finally, a psychiatrist finally diagnosed me with burnout/ major depression.

How could that happen? 

During the year 2008 I was in a very frustrating job situation. I was working on a change management project within a global matrix organization which internally was not really popular, got little recognition and even faced significant resistance from various stakeholders. I remember that I frequently asked myself the question “Why am I doing this and what is the purpose of spending my time on this?”. This work without meaning and purpose literally sucked the life energy out of me. On top of that came a toxic relationship with my supervisor. As I found out later, my very own boss actually sabotaged me in succeeding in this very project. As if the work situation had not been enough already, I also went through severe relationship problems in my personal life. 

I felt empty and so the downward-spiral started. Initially, I developed problems concentrating and focusing on things. Subsequently, I started to have sleep problems. I would wake up in the middle of the night with the roller coaster of thoughts spinning in my head which kept me awake for hours. The result of this was that during the day I felt very tired and depleted and could concentrate and perform even less. Noticing that my performance was going down I pushed myself even harder and with that accelerated the downward spiraling. At last, I experienced panic attacks and had suicidal thoughts. All the alarm bells were ringing. And finally I went to seek help. 

The doctor immediately put me on antidepressants. The 6 week-therapy in the hospital which followed was deeply opening, insightful and healing. I went through an intense program of group therapy, individual therapy as well as creative and body-related therapy forms. Through family constellation work for instance I surfaced unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs. I was also introduced to mindfulness exercises like progressive relaxation, breathwork and meditation. And thanks to my fellow patients I saw that this can happen to people from all walks of life - professors, managers, writers, teachers and so forth. Many of them became dear friends. For the first time, I understood and experienced on a visceral level that body, mind and soul are all connected. Right before Christmas 2008 I felt replenished and recovered so that I could leave the hospital and spend the holidays with my family. At this point I made an oath to myself that I would never end up in a situation like this again in the deep knowing that absolutely nothing was more precious than my health. 

Three months later I returned to the corporate world equipped with a resilience toolkit to preserve my mental and physical wellbeing. I had also started to integrate a daily meditation routine into my life which I kept to this day. In 2008, burnout and depression was widely still a taboo topic and even regarded as a sign of weakness. Nonetheless, I dealt with my burnout story very openly from the beginning and told it to everyone who wanted to hear it. As these news made the rounds in the company through the informal “watercooler conversation and coffee talk channels” more and more colleagues contacted me and wanted to talk to me discreetly. Many of them were already on their downward spiral. In a safe space, they wanted to ask what burnout/ major depression was like for me and to learn about the therapy experience I had gone through. In essence, they were asking for my advice which I always gladly gave. Years later I would learn that this would be called “showing vulnerability” and “holding space for people”. Back then I did not even know these terms yet. Doing this just felt right and very natural to me.  

It is November again and many people in the Northern hemisphere are struggling with seasonal depressions due to the increasingly dark and gloomy days during this time. Also, the COVID-19 pandemic has had a major impact on people’s mental health around the world. Some groups, including health and other frontline workers, students, people living alone, and those with pre-existing mental health conditions, have been particularly affected. To make things worse, services for mental, neurological and substance use disorders have been significantly disrupted. On World Mental Health Day, each year on 10 October, the UN together with many other organizations raise awareness for the global mental health crisis. 

Today 13 years later, I regard this major life crisis which a burnout/ major depression effectively is, as a big gift. Even though it was very painful back then I am grateful for it. It cracked me open and let me grow on so many levels. It made me more vulnerable and compassionate. It also made me realize that our life is such a gift and that living it in a purposeful way is what it is all about. Besides, it makes me extremely happy to share my true gifts with the world. 

A couple of years later this was then also a major driver for creating Purenessity which stands for “Purpose in Business for Dignity”. According to many scientific studies such as by the Journal of the American Medical Association. Purpose is one of the key happiness drivers next to good relationships and meeting your basic needs. Therefore, Purpose-charging businesses and thus the lives of people who work in these businesses contributes to the collective happiness level. The UN Social Development Goal #3 is Health and Wellbeing which includes both physical and mental health.

At Purenessity we base the definition of purpose on all 17 SDGs which therefore includes mental health. Through our transformational work we try to contribute to an increased level of meaningfulness and happiness in the world.  

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