The Mirrored Door by Ellen Connelly Taaffe

Introduction In Front of the Mirrored Door

A Hidden Barrier

Women don’t always feel safe enough to be vulnerable and ask for the guidance they need, especially in a glamorized world of girl-boss profiles and curated social media posts. Too many smart women carry the belief that problems in their careers lie within. We were told we could do anything with our education, hard work, and ambition, and yet no one told us the vital message that our careers will be difficult. Inevitably, as we advance, we face challenges. We double down on what worked in the past but find those strategies no longer achieve the outcomes we want, and we feel like we did something wrong. Sometimes our plan to work harder is a less-than-healthy way to cover up fear and doubt. We often don’t ask for the help we desperately need so as not to show others we don’t have all the answers. We see issues with the workplace but still wonder what went wrong and why we are suddenly stuck. A new company might offer a change, but our suspicions lurk under the surface: maybe it’s me. We churn inside and hesitate to risk new actions.

For most women, navigating workplaces that were built for a different time and different employee population is a challenge. With women completing college and graduate programs and entering the workplace in greater numbers and with higher aspirations than ever before, I thought we would be on our way to breaking the glass ceiling. But becoming a leader when you haven’t seen someone who looks like you lead is not easy

Women are still held to a prevailing male leadership model and the resulting perceptions and institutional obstacles. But another dynamic is also at play, and it too may lock us in place. I call it the mirrored door. We encounter it when we reflect inward and question our readiness for and worthiness of an opportunity. Instead of going for it, we assess that we cannot. When this self-judgment leads to hesitation, we stop growing or get left behind, despite our hard work and comparable performance. This hidden barrier blocks our path when we otherwise could move forward despite uncertainty. Our male counterparts more frequently jump at chances with far more ease, while we wait and expend time and energy to feel more prepared, certain, and confident

When we second-guess ourselves at the mirrored door, we rob ourselves of valuable learning from trial and error, and of confidence earned from taking smart risks and recovering after a stumble. To be sure, we are locked out at times. But the metaphor of the mirrored door suggests that, confronted with our own self-image, we may also be locking ourselves in

At Kellogg, I learned that today’s women are prepared to work and lead yet face the same hurdles I did years ago. I dove into the workplace research and was dismayed to see how little things had changed. When some women escaped the corporate world to attend business school, I heard the surprise and disappointment about their early work experiences. I saw that society seemed to have glossed over the challenges we face, navigating workplaces full of old systems, bias, and a lack of role models, amid a greedy culture that rewards careers at the height of women’s childbearing and caregiving years

From my teaching, coaching, and investigation into existing research, I learned about others’ lived experiences and the higher hurdles faced at the intersection of gender with color, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation, ability, income, and other factors. Though many if not most studies reference white cisgender women, I believe that the mirrored door applies across marginalized genders and populations, especially given the sense that one’s marginalization can lead to working twice as hard to be seen as just as good. I’ve also heard from men sharing that they face a mirrored door of their own. While I believe that to be true, given our man up culture, this book highlights what women uniquely and more frequently face. My hope is that men will read this book with the intent to become real allies for the girls and women in their lives and to change the systems that propagate the mirrored door. If it helps them consider the expectations and doubts they may face, that’s a bonus

Unlocking the Future We Desire

My goal with The Mirrored Door is to share the realities I see and to enlighten women on their way. Knowledge is power, and when we can learn the lessons from the past and the challenges of the present, we can choose a new future for ourselves

This is not a quick-fix book. It is a guidebook for what you might face and how you might stretch yourself to meet the moment and go after what you want on your terms

Part One Break Open: How We See Ourselves

In Part One, we will dive into the well-intentioned norms that we learn as we grow up and how these messages are reinforced in school, family, friendships, and our society. We’ll unravel how this socialization prepares women to succeed academically and initially in our careers but may also carry self-judgment and hesitation later. We’ll explore how our ingrained yet unreasonably high expectations combine with workplace cultures that are stuck in the past, and how biases contribute to our unrealistic reflections, which can unfairly distort our self-perception, seed doubt, and hold us back

1 Raise Your Hand, Raise Your Future

We think we are doing everything right, following all the rules, but somehow, we end up overlooked, undervalued, and/or overworked. Is it the glass ceiling? Is it the boss or the company culture? What if there is something more? What if this problem begins earlier than in the workplace?

Perfection Is Not the Price of Admission

There may be areas to develop and prepare for the next step, but many times, we women underestimate our qualifications and realistic readiness. If my students, with so much more opportunity than I had, did not feel ready to raise their hands, perhaps these issues were less generational and more gender induced. I realize now that when we hold back, it costs us—our influence, our upward mobility, our peace of mind. Our silence is not only deafening; it is defeating.

The Long-Term Trade-Off

I began to wonder about my own workplace experiences and that of the executive women I coach outside of Kellogg. I thought about when we felt something was amiss or we were stuck. I recalled so many ambitious women who performed well, were seen in a positive light, didn’t make mistakes, yet faced their own hesitancy well into a successful career. The common threads between us all seemed to be a pattern of massive preparation; years of hard work; playing the part to please others; and safe, face-saving choices in meetings, one-on-one interactions, and career moves. We assumed the identity of a person who always has the right answer and approach, takes care of everyone else, and keeps the peace

We think of ourselves as the A student, the dependable one, the good girl, the adult in the room who is conscientious and likeable and who doesn’t rock the boat. We are achievers. We are pleasant. We are the glue that holds teams, households, and friends together. We care what others think—a lot. Maybe too much. We take all these wonderful traits into the workplace, where they are badly needed. This approach works for a while as we build reputations as people who can absolutely be counted on to execute and deliver. But for so many women, something happens on the way to middle management and the C-suite

In countless coaching sessions, I have heard women share with me that while seemingly doing everything that was outlined for them, they felt flat-footed, stuck in self-judgment, surprised by new feedback, or abruptly derailed by a workplace designed for a different time and by their own mindsets. Suddenly, their approach, which had previously been rewarded, was undermined either by bosses looking for more gravitas or executive presence, or by their own doubts. They weren’t prepared for the dynamics of the corporate ladder and the expectation that they take smart risks, share opinions, and convey a strong presence that seemed to come naturally for men. Their ambition to lead others, make a meaningful impact, and influence the direction had not shifted, but their foundation felt shaky.

We are taught early that playing the part and awaiting permission is the way it works. Our instinctive approach to perfect, please, and prepare enables women to excel early, but it gets in the way of what we want and what could be next.

The Mirrored Door

My contention is that we women face a powerful barrier, an often invisible obstacle that we must break through to make it anywhere close to bigger leadership roles. It is not the glass ceiling—it is the mirrored door. The mirrored door is what makes us reflect inward and question our readiness. The mirrored door is our own self-criticism and doubt that stand between us and the future we desire. It obstructs our view of what’s beyond us and tricks us into believing our limiting self-perceptions. This leads to overthinking and, frequently, under-acting. We question our skills, fit, ideas, and others’ judgment, and we slow or halt our momentum. We hesitate, avoid risk, and forget the value we can bring

We hold ourselves back preparing, perfecting, pleasing, portraying, pushing ourselves, and even policing our words and actions, as if we cannot pass over the threshold until we see certainty and perfection in that mirror. In fact, many of us are so busy trying to measure up to unrealistic expectations that we don’t even realize that what feels like an insurmountable wall is actually a door we can open and walk through. When we do—by asking questions, putting our less-than-perfect ideas forward, speaking up for ourselves and what we want, and more that we will discuss in the coming pages—we strengthen our position. Through risk-taking and the rewards of lessons learned, we truly become ready, but that is on the other side of the threshold. When we step forward and enter the room, we can have a seat at the table of decisions and impact

All too often, we are waiting—in the wings, for our turn, for someone to notice us and our hard work. This waiting casts us as the supporting player, playing small, rather than as the lead in our story. It quiets that little voice, that inner knowing that tells us we can be so much more

What We Learned

How did we get here? It starts early. In school, girls are rewarded for getting As, for modesty, polite behavior, and being the good girls who fit in and don’t make a fuss. Role models in real life and in media reinforce this behavior. Societal messages dictate how women should look, which can be especially difficult for women of color and people from other underrepresented groups. Girls observe these signs and wonder if they measure up to this ideal. They begin to feel less than, not worthy, and the need to work twice as hard for half as much

We learned in school to follow the rules, have the answers ready, and be polite and well-behaved

Here is the paradox: We hate the unrealistic expectations embedded in our culture (and in our own minds), yet we contribute to them by being on a perfection treadmill, showing a perfect self to the world, and waiting for the right answer, the right time, and the right place to show up at our best. We are hiding our perfectly imperfect, authentic self and real opinions from the world that needs us as we are. Isn’t it time we come clean and show up without all the right answers? Isn’t it time we encourage each other to do the same and show future generations of girls and women that they are okay just as they are? What would life be like if we took more leaps, believed we were ready enough, and became more at ease with not having all the answers? What if we chose progress over perfection?

How We Hold Ourselves Back

Perfectionism increased by statistically significant amounts. Young people are more demanding of themselves, perceive that others are more demanding of them, and are more demanding of others. The costs of perfection are beyond inaction and hesitancy

Their excessively high standards lead to all-or-nothing behavior and believing their self-worth is dependent on perfection

Still so much of the focus in popular women’s leadership press is on leaning in early and then cracking the top barrier of the glass ceiling later in their careers. There is so much more that we can learn from and address in the years in between.

Our beliefs in ourselves are important in shaping all kinds of important decisions, such as what colleges we apply to, which career paths we choose, and whether we are willing to contribute ideas in the workplace or try to compete for a promotion, says Harvard Business School associate professor Katherine B. Coffman. In her research, she found that gender stereotypes distort our views of others and ourselves. When we buy into these stereotypes, we see ourselves through a critical lens, despite having the skills to succeed. The result can lead to lower confidence, a habit of discounting positive feedback, and less willingness to express ideas or speak up in groups. We downplay ourselves and deny our teams our valuable contributions. This dynamic should be a rallying cry for organizations to create a different environment and way of working that challenges stereotypes and enables women to thrive

Raise Your Future

We fool ourselves into believing that perfection is the price of admission to business school, the C-suite, or whatever we want from others or in our future. We work way too hard to let this thinking or these well-intended, out-of-date messages get in our own way. When we break through the mirrored door, we gain lessons from success and failure. We take risks and reap the rewards of being in the action. In doing so, we create momentum for our own development and a brighter future

The Time Is Now

This book is a road map to enlighten and encourage you to open the mirrored door and pass over the threshold to your future. The first step is to grant yourself permission to explore. I encourage you to allow yourself the time and space to become more self-aware, take chances, and get inspired for your journey. You may feel daunted by the magnitude of stepping into a new way. Maybe you need more than a permission slip and want a hall pass as you venture outside of your familiar place. You want it, you got it! Join me as we uncover the tales we tell ourselves, discover areas to let go, and experiment and explore all we can be

To get started, I invite you to consider your typical mindset and likelihood to act or hesitate when there is an opportunity to raise your hand in some part of your life. What doorway can you walk through to move into action and growth? Is there a particular situation or place that triggers hesitation? What small act of courage can you take in the next week? Perhaps it is completing an application to lead a project or for a new job you don’t feel 100 percent ready for. Maybe it’s sharing your opinion on the future of your company or team. Is it the introduction you have wanted but thought it was too pushy to request? Perhaps it’s seeking the support you need to take care of yourself in some new way. As you take this risk, consider what you may learn from doing it. Focus not on success or failure but on what you will gain in the experience of putting yourself out there. Where are you ready enough to open the mirrored door?

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• When presented with a new opportunity, how do you usually respond?
• Describe your current career outlook and momentum. What’s most in your favor and most in your way?
• What’s one small step you can take this week? (Refer to the last paragraph of this chapter for ideas.)

I’m glad you are here. You can do this. Let’s get to work!

2 Looking Back to Move Forward

Sugar and spice and everything nice; that’s what little girls are made of. - Attributed to Robert Southey

Our education starts early. We are conditioned to be nice, likeable, helpful, non-combative, and pleasing. It is part of the fabric of girls’ upbringing and women’s lives. We learn the roles that we should play from our well-intentioned families, schools, and communities. The workplace validates these expectations as we find ourselves under a microscope that evaluates how we show up to and for others.

Ingrained Biases

Our society’s ingrained biases of women’s facial expressions make them open to interpretation, whether we like it or not. For those who think this is a thing of the past, consider the more recent term resting bitch face and how people use it primarily to describe women. Research has found that if women don’t exhibit warm nonverbal communication, they are viewed more harshly. The opportunity for leaders is to redefine what leadership looks like. To disrupt the current state, we need the courage to call out feedback based on stereotypes, a more thoughtful and actionable approach to performance review feedback, and a reconsideration of the standards to which we hold others

Expected Roles

We all have biases. They can put us in a box, and that box is smaller for women. Women face the expectation of warmth. Men face the expectation of competence, which is why we so easily imagine a man when we think of a leader. When men are also warm, it is a bonus, as long as they are competent. But we are not socialized to expect a competent woman in the workplace, especially if she leads with competence. And when we don’t see warmth in a woman, it triggers a red flag. For example, sometimes when a woman gets down to business right away, she disrupts the image of what a woman is supposed to do or be. She is supposed to be nice, friendly, warm. She is supposed to make sure everyone in the conversation is okay. She is supposed to pick up on and address the environment. She is supposed to take notes, refresh the beverages, clear the table, follow up, and above all else, smile

Although there is much to be done to address the biases we face from others in the workplace, I believe that we are biased against ourselves too. We have rules about what we can and can’t do that stem from our conditioning, such as growing up to look pretty, avoid risks, be perfect, always comply, and be a helper. Then when we newly take a big risk and/or help ourselves, we feel fear and/or guilt. Although we may face a greater penalty than a man would for the novel behavior, sometimes our own concerns immobilize us. We don’t step into new situations that could lead to greater personal development and a brighter future.

Communication Norms

One of the most impactful things we learn as children is how to communicate with each other. Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and bestselling author of You Just Don’t Understand! Women and Men in Conversation, found that because of our tendency as youth to play with people of the same gender, the lessons we learn vary greatly

When she studied organizations, Tannen found that those early relationship behaviors stay with us into adulthood and the workplace. When she analyzed conversational styles between girls and boys in the United States, she saw that girls connect by building rapport, and boys by showing status. Tannen observed that among girls, small group interactions, lots of talking, and secret-telling establish closeness. Girls also learn what not to do. They downplay strengths to convey they are the same. They limit sounding too sure or certain and minimize accomplishments to avoid becoming unpopular. The fear of being criticized or cast off from the group leads them to prioritize others’ needs above their own and keep the peace. They strive for ways to build connection with each other

Boys operate very differently: in larger groups, stratifying by status, interests, and skills. Those with high status elevate themselves, one-up others, and emerge as leaders. Boys are incented to show their achievements and knowledge. The group members encourage one another to lead with stories and jokes to heighten their standing. They learn to challenge each other to negotiate their rank in the hierarchy. When they do, they tell low-status boys what to do with no worry of being called bossy. Their fear is losing face in the one-up, one-down dynamic.

While all genders communicate with both cooperation and competition, Tannen states that girls prioritize cooperation and connection, and boys prioritize competition and status. While these findings may not be true of all childhood socialization, linguists found similar results across genders regardless of culture. When I share this research in my coaching or keynotes, I see nods of recognition. Though neither approach is right or wrong, the lived experience that matches Tannen’s work shows how and why we may struggle in the workplace based on what we’ve learned and expect of each other. It can feel as though men and women are from different planets, as the aptly named book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus revealed in the 1990s

Gendered Expectations

During her Lean In book tour, Sheryl Sandberg suggested we stop calling girls bossy and instead compliment their leaderships skills. We raise our girls to be good, safe, model citizens, then wonder why women struggle sometimes to claim their voice, set boundaries, prioritize themselves, and take the lead

Our conditioning makes us empathetic leaders who can read a room and manage everyone else’s emotions, happiness, and satisfaction. Although families, workplaces, and communities need our agility, relational awareness, emotional intelligence, and experience in defusing conflict, this dynamic can be exhausting. Focused on everyone else, we are zapped of energy and over time may neglect our own needs and wants. We submerge what we want and who we are for the sake of others’ opinions

Our conditioned socialization to be other-oriented and look for affirmation is a double-edged sword. It gives us many great gifts like consensus- and connection-building, risk avoidance, and care for the greater good. These softer skills historically have not been priorities in organizations, but they have grown in importance to meet the needs of the changing marketplace and workforce.

Our socialization came with the territory of our gender and is not our fault. We could commiserate about the masculine traits that may not have been taught to us and yet have been the heritage of corporate leadership. Our energy, however, is best spent on what we can do to accept the past and carry forward with what we need now in our careers and lives

Women on the Brink

But the sad stats on women’s representation in company leadership tell us we have much work to do

I’m inspired by Gen Z’s quest for values, purpose, and balance in their work that has caught the attention of employers

I value the research that enlightens companies to create inclusion, psychological safety, and belonging beyond the numbers. These advancements collide with the heartbreakingly glacial pace of women’s advancement, creating a possibility to turn disappointment and delays into determination and difference-making.

While we still face so much darkness, I see light. Maybe we are on the brink of a new dawn. We can answer the call to face the challenges the past has bestowed on us in the present and drive the change we need for the future. Join me as we cocreate a new path forward.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• What did success look like for you growing up? How did those around you define success? How were you treated, rewarded, noticed?
• What were the unwritten rules of friendships and other relationships?
• What themes of your upbringing stay with you now?

3 The Mirrored Maze of Work

Careers are a jungle gym, not a ladder. - Sheryl Sandberg

A World Built for the Past

Let’s fast-forward to today’s rapidly changing workplace, where we are all trying to find our way, regardless of our gender, race, culture, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ability. In the workplace, some navigate this tough terrain without the benefit of advice from parental role models, without senior leaders who look like us, and without the road maps that others seem to have at the ready. Those newer to the party may feel like outsiders as they pioneer a path for many

Whether you are trying to advance your own career or be a champion for others to do the same, I invite you to think about the path ahead with the eyes of a traveler. Bring along your curiosity. The journey is long and there will be delays and cancellations, as well as sites to behold and people and places that transform us. Let this chapter serve as a trip advisor of sorts as we review the culture, language, and things to do to extend and enjoy your stay.

The professional white-collar workplace in many, if not most, organizations is an updated version of the 1950s workplace. This was by and large all-white, all-male, and nine-to-five. Today, the workplace is more diverse than at any time in history regarding gender, race, culture, religion, and a workforce that spans four generations. This massive change took place in sixty to seventy years, which is a short time frame in the big scheme of history. While HR manuals have been updated to serve a different worker and newer laws, the mechanics of work are still rooted in the past. Still, marveling at how major historical shifts took place so quickly provides no comfort as we struggle with outdated perceptions, leadership identity, and communication styles

Mirrors in the Maze

I know now from the hundreds of women I’ve worked with, the research I’ve done, and my own experience that women face many barriers, both internal and external, that are different from men’s challenges. These obstacles frequently stem from our culturally conditioned perspectives and resulting embedded habits. Women struggle to gain credibility in a culture that is ambivalent about seeing them in leadership roles. They sense something is off but get limited clarity and little direct, honest communication. This puts us squarely in front of our own mirrored door, trying to fix ourselves and our situation to step into a leadership identity. We must recognize, though, that past conditioning and resulting habits are systemic. We navigate work as though it were a mirrored maze. We struggle, reflect inward when we face a wall, look for light to show us the right path, and find our way through trial and error.

Walking the Tightrope

I realize now that the feedback I received was a result of senior management’s perceptions of what a leader looks like. Although I would have benefited from speaking up more, the question of my toughness was rooted in one of the most common challenges women face in the workplace today: the double bind that occurs when women are held to embedded biases about their gender while also being measured against standards of leadership linked to masculinity.

To be fair, biases and embedded expectations are a part of human nature; they are cognitive shortcuts. They can help us be more efficient (walk the faster block) or protect ourselves (I shouldn’t walk through that dark alley). But they become a problem when they are unconscious and limit our own or others’ opportunities

The double bind for women is driven by both expectations of leadership and gender. If I asked you to describe a leader, you’d likely use words like assertive, self-confident, task-driven, commanding, independent, and self-promoting. The characteristics come from a more hierarchical definition of leadership, when organizational culture almost entirely comprised top-down, command-and-control environments. While the average workplace has since become more collaborative, our past expectations of leaders are still in our subconscious. And these traits are much more typically associated with masculinity.

If I asked you to describe women, you’d likely choose words like helpful, sympathetic, nurturing, relationship-focused, and advocate for others. Researchers refer to these traits as communal, another way of saying other-oriented. While women can be leaders and exhibit leadership traits, our first reaction is to assess them relative to our instinctive view of their gender, not of leadership. And usually, something doesn’t seem quite right. If they fit the preconceived notions of women, their traits don’t match up with what is expected of a leader. And if they fit the bill for a leader, then they don’t come across as feminine and, therefore, are less likeable

This dynamic creates a catch-22. Women have a perceived trade-off—should I act more the way people expect of me as a woman or as a leader? This is a damned if you do, doomed if you don’t position. Women walk the tightrope of expectations as they manage others’ perceptions and face the quick judgment of being too soft or too hard, never just right.

Catalyst’s research found that both men and women grant and assume more competence to men as leaders because of our long-held images of what a workplace leader looks like. Our society expects women to be focused on others, not themselves, making it more difficult for women to self-advocate—and creating a more negative impression when they do

Know the Book on You

One of the best ways to deal with this double bind is to reflect on your style and get feedback from those around you

I encourage you to find ways to know the book on you. By that I mean understand what is said about you when you aren’t in the room. Know your results and reputation, along with what others recall of interactions with you. When those who decide your career have a limited window on your work, they may count on the perspectives of others or trust their own conclusions, even with limited exposure to you. My advice in this area is the following

• Give permission for feedback. Let the key people you work with know how valuable their input will be for your development. Set the stage at transitions so you communicate to others how you want to work, and set up a give-and-take of feedback after project milestones or during your one-on-one meetings
• Create a list of powerful questions. Use these at the start of a role or relationship. I also love Marshall Goldsmith’s feedforward concept to provide questions about the future—for example, What’s one thing I can do better the next time I manage a product launch? This approach keeps things focused on the future and makes it easier for the giver to come up with something specific you can act on. Imagine if I had calmly asked Chuck, What would ‘being tough enough’ look like in those quarterly meetings?
• Take in feedback with curiosity. When we have succeeded, we expect more of the same. When negative comments or results come our way, we have less practice dealing with them. Our emotions can flare up, like mine did, and we may get defensive. A mirrored door drops down in front of us, and we personalize it and disrupt the learning conversation. But when we look through a lens of curiosity, we open ourselves to growth and can see new ideas and more possibility
• Decide what feedback you will act on. Although I became a more effective communicator because of the feedback from Chuck, there was a time when acting on certain feedback would not have honored who I am. The point is to know who you are, where you stand, and what you want, so you can determine how you want to participate. This can also help you clarify the kind of culture that enables you to thrive, so you can find a place that fits

Remember that feedback is more about the giver and the way they view the world

Knowing the book on you can be invaluable in taking the lead, telling the story you want to tell, and opening the mirrored door.

Mirror, Mirror in the Maze,How Will I Ever Get My Raise?

When Korn Ferry Institute interviewed fifty-seven female CEOs at Fortune 1000 companies, 65 percent of the women reported that they didn’t know they were CEO material until someone told them they could do it and recognized their talent. Whether or not you aspire to be a CEO, there is power in imagining a bigger possibility for yourself that you may not have recognized could happen. You can likely do more than you realize. If you are managing others, you can change their lives by believing in and building their vision of their future

The Reality of the Workload

We face dramatic shifts with women’s rising level of education and career ambitions, delayed and declining marriage rates, and economic needs for single- or dual-career incomes amid rising costs. While technology allows us to work from anywhere, it also contributes to the creation of greedy work, a term coined by professor and author Claudia Goldin. She traces the transition from the forty-hour workweek to the sixty-to-eighty-hour workweek in consulting, investment banking, and tech. Immediate responses and availability on nights and weekends have become the norm

Men in the Mirror

I believe the majority of men want to help women and improve the workplace, but they face their own ingrained expectations that seem to require them to be strong, man up, and avoid emotions so as not to lower their perceived status

We are all on a journey but face different obstacles

My suggestion is to remember it is not your fault, and more than likely it is not the fault of your current colleagues, who may also be finding their way through the maze. We can drive change when we match company values to actions that include what is rewarded and penalized. We can bring the softer skills of collaboration and care to the traditional command-and-control behaviors to attract and retain the best of today’s workforce. As Gandhi said, The change begins with me.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• Choose three people you could ask for feedback and five open-ended questions that could help you know the book on you. Here are some ideas: What can you count on me for? How do I get in my own way? What are my blind spots? What is one thing I could do to elevate my standing with you and the senior team?
• How might you share your career goals with your manager? What will show you that the decision makers know what you want for your career?
• What strengths do you bring to your team and company? What is your impact? How do those qualities define your leadership style?

4 The Inner Antagonist

I was once afraid of people saying, ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say, ‘This is who I am.’ - Oprah Winfrey

The Voice of Judgment

We so frequently worry about what others think of us, but our toughest critic is usually the one in our heads. It usually speaks in a harsher or more hostile voice than we would ever use with someone else in our life. I call this voice the Inner Antagonist. You may remember from high school English literature class that the antagonist is the one who opposes, or the adversary. In physiological terms, antagonism is a muscle that contracts and limits the movement of the muscle that it is paired with as it reduces physiological activity. The Inner Antagonist is that opposing, harsh voice that restricts actions. To be sure, I am all for the consideration of pros, cons, and risks before acting. But sometimes we are overwhelmed in that assessment by the adversarial voice, and we limit our own momentum.

When our internal messages speak in judgment, they antagonize our presence and our progress with a layer of anxiety and stress. The Inner Antagonist is cunning, as it checks all the boxes to ensure we get stuck in front of the mirrored door. We hesitate at opportunity, feel unready to take risk, and wait for certainty. This clouds our thinking and decision-making. We spend our time preparing so that we can eventually open the mirrored door. This familiar feeling fools us into thinking we are safe. The risk is that by the time we finally feel ready, the opportunity may have already passed

The Imposter Awakens

When we secretly believe we are an imposter, the risk of being found out elevates our fear. We think we are the only one who feels this way and therefore want to hide it. We suffer in silence as we overcompensate with more work, risk avoidance, and posed confidence. The reality is that we are not alone. In her book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Valerie Young states that an overwhelming 70 percent of high achievers have imposter syndrome. It’s as if we believe our past achievements don’t count, as though we are always starting from scratch instead of building on what we can bring to a role.

Young highlights three triggers of imposter doubts: transitions, tenure, and expertise. I see this play out with my students, clients, colleagues, and myself.

First, transitions are a critical part of our development but make us ripe for doubt. Whether because of earning an educational degree, a new job or company, or a promotion, our minds can overthink our qualifications, our fit with those around us, and our likelihood of success

Second, tenure in a role, profession, or industry can bring on imposter syndrome too. It’s counterintuitive because longer tenure means greater knowledge and, we assume, a higher level of confidence. But the imposter feelings are rooted in imagining that others expect we know everything. One of my former clients compared her industry knowledge of three years to her boss’s command of the details from his twenty years in the business. She found herself reading industry books on the weekends, lying in wait for a question she could not answer.

If I can’t answer their questions, then everyone will know I’m not as a good as my boss. How can they see me as his heir apparent when I should know what he knows?

But the silence is breaking as courageous people share their thoughts of doubt. Michelle Obama wrote about her imposter feelings in her book Becoming. She is a powerful example of normalizing our inner doubts that, regardless of what we’ve done to date, we don’t belong at the next level of success

When people have been marginalized, because of biases toward their gender, race, sexual orientation, ability, income, and so on, the imposter in them may rear its ugly head more easily and swiftly. This can also be true of first-timers, such as first-generation college students, people with uncommon backgrounds in homogenous cultures, or state college graduates in Ivy League MBA education

Gender StereotypesImpact Women’s Confidence

Recent research shows that gender stereotypes influence women’s beliefs in their own abilities, as mentioned in chapter 1. Katherine B. Coffman’s studies indicate that these self-beliefs shape decisions about our career choices, willingness to share ideas, and interest in seeking a promotion. When we buy into these stereotypes, we see a distorted, negative self-image

While Coffman and her colleagues continue to work on interventions to close the confidence gap, she advises leaders to consider how this issue impacts work and processes. Breaking down these biases in your organization, providing extra feedback with evidence, adding processes that allow for everyone’s input and ideas, and highlighting career possibilities are a great place to begin

I am on a mission to accelerate others’ journeys through a simple framework I call ACT. It has helped me, and I use it with my coaching clients and students to tackle the doubtful messages so we can have more ease, comfort, and self-care. It’s simple and easy to understand, and you can start immediately by committing to three steps

• Assess the critique and validity. This requires an awareness of your inner dialogue around doubts, imposter syndrome, and self-belief, and how you respond. ConsiderWhat facts or feedback do you have, or could you get, to build your objectivity? What is the tone, message, and underlying belief of your inner voice? Is it harsh or fair?What’s your MO in response to the voice? How does that benefit you? Is there a price you pay?
• Channel your Inner Protagonist. Do this to counterbalance and quiet the Inner Antagonist. You want to hear more from this voice and increase its frequency and intensity.How would you talk to others facing doubts (in words and tone), and how can you bring that compassion to yourself?When you’ve been encouraged, seen, and guided positively, what was the tone and message of the voice?What would you be like if you let up on perfecting, pleasing, preparing endlessly, pushing, and posing? What would it take to be ready enough?What message do you long to hear and want to believe? What is a shorthand way to recall that feeling in challenging moments?
• Tackle the next best step toward your goals. Thinking, reframing, and channeling will help but are insufficient unless you act. When you shift your behaviors, you shift your thinking. This is about putting yourself in motionWhat are you trying to accomplish?What is one small action that could help your momentum?How might you summon your courage to act before you feel 100 percent certainty?

I tackled my practice plan, which kicked me into action. Once I was taking tangible steps to improve my talk and comfort level, the critical voice grew distant and lost its hold on me. I learned that where I focus my mind and energy made a world of difference, and that I can use this knowledge next time the Inner Antagonist pipes up.

Ideas Worth Sharing

You did it! said my daughter Katie, proudly, when I joined her post-talk in the lobby. After everything I had gone through to pull this off, I was so thrilled to see her face and know that she saw her mom do something that was scary, risky, and life-changing as a result. It wasn’t perfect. There are moments I still cringe about when thinking about them, but I’ve never been prouder of myself for trying.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• Describe a time when you faced a new opportunity, fought the Inner Antagonist, and did something you are proud of
• What got you through the challenge you describe above? Remind yourself of that next time the voice gets loud.
• Describe your Inner Antagonist’s greatest hits. Which messages play on repeat? How might you reframe them using the ACT framework?

Part Two Break Away: Relearning Success Strategies

In this part, I focus on five strategies that help women succeed but may also unintentionally sideline us. Each strategy can be both powerful and, at times, perilous, creating a double-edged sword. The following chapters highlight how the strategies work for us and against us, how they are linked to the mirrored door, and where we go from here. I’ve included managers’ considerations to better coach individuals’ progress, consider organizational obstacles, and spark courageous conversations

The five strategies and potential perils of success are:

• Preparing to perfection. This is the tendency to strive for the right answers, 100 percent certainty and accuracy, and always being the best.
• Eagerly pleasing. This is prioritizing others and the greater good, listening collaboratively, building consensus, and keeping the peace
• Fitting the mold. This refers to the tendency to flex your agility to gain entry, fit in quickly, and follow the cultural norms to build familiarity and connection with the team
• Working pedal to the metal. This is the tendency to tirelessly drive for results, have a high capacity for work, and keep an eye on the prize.
• Performing patiently. This describes proffering, the preference to deliver results, believe your work speaks for itself, understand your manager’s timing and constraints, and be ready when it’s your time

When you build your awareness of each, you can lean into the upsides while mitigating the downsides. You may see yourself in one, a few, or all of them in different ways. I encourage you to be curious and consider what does or doesn’t resonate, what underlying assumptions support your tendencies, and what, if anything, you want to evolve

5 Preparing to Perfection

Have no fear of perfection; you’ll never reach it. - ATTRIBUTED TO Marie Curie

I have often heard some version of this from professional women in mid-career. Suddenly, they woke up and saw that their external perception had shifted from successful to sidelined. Little things added up to an unannounced, invisible fall from grace. They felt unsteady on their feet, fretted about what to do next, and questioned the loyalty and advocacy that once felt so strong. They also felt frustration and resentment because they were given little to no direct communication about the issue, and they had to figure it out on their own while their confidence was rocked. To recover, they did what was always successful for them—work harder, play it safe, and prepare incessantly to get to the right answers and a better place

Societal and familial expectations can inspire us to do great things. They also can unintentionally sideline who we really are and what we want. So many of our successful behaviors have an underbelly. Traits that initially fuel and work for us can begin to work against us in both our leadership and authenticity. I see it for myself more clearly now, having had decades to ponder my life, understand the research, and learn from the experiences of hundreds of students, colleagues, and friends

Systemic issues lock us out of success all too frequently. But I discovered I was also locking myself in from opportunity more often than not. I faced the mirrored door, operating in ways I thought would advance me. Little did I understand that I was marching in place and stuck in patterns that had once been positive but had now begun to limit my advancement. I soon found out I wasn’t the only one. And neither are you

Clearly, our strategies for career success enable us to learn new skills, build meaningful connections with our colleagues, and cultivate experiences that can take us far. At the same time, we may unintentionally follow patterns that minimize our voices, opportunities, and real desires. When we mistakenly think we aren’t ready enough, we sideline ourselves. We reduce our risk-taking, stand making, and sharing of our real selves. We so often tackle doubts by doing what we’ve been good at and were frequently rewarded for as children and young adults. But suddenly a situation shows us those same actions may even be blocking our momentum. These patterns have become silent self-saboteurs putting our future plans in peril. To address this, we must recognize what patterns work over the long term, reflect on our goals, and determine what actions we want to take

When we are preparing to perfection, we strive for the right answers, 100 percent certainty, and always being the best. We deliver excellence repeatedly. It fuels our reputation and engagement in the work. It provides validation from others. We compare ourselves to others, and, when healthy, this leads to continuous improvement. When perfectionism becomes habitual, or the only way we know how to act, we may struggle to take risks and find it challenging to operate with incomplete information and/or to know when something is good enough. The workplace is full of such ambiguous situations. Navigating through uncertainty and ambiguity is part of being a leader.

Research indicates that the real issue with perfectionism is the fear of negative evaluation. This, combined with the double bind women face of struggling to be perceived as just right—demonstrating the expected masculine qualities of a leader while still having a warm, nurturing personality—can lead us to play it safe and avoid risk. This inhibits the development of leadership skills that are so critical to our advancement

When we are preparing to perfection, we fool ourselves into thinking that we can win a never-ending battle. But the fight isn’t sustainable; more importantly, it’s exhausting and prevents us from learning from mistakes, which is key to our growth as leaders. We stifle ourselves with self-criticism and hesitate around opportunities, and in doing so, we procrastinate taking action that advances us closer to our goals. A recent study of emerging adults shows that procrastination is highly correlated with fear of negative evaluation and perceived stress.

What’s at Stake

I’m not sure she is leadership material, the division leaders said to the department heads about their trusted director during the annual performance and potential assessment meeting. She’s a hard worker and very smart, but we don’t see her getting out of the weeds.

In two sentences, this ambitious thirtysomething woman’s career at this company came into question

We soon learn to identify as the person who knows their stuff. We continue to take on more. We are respected as a doer, expert, project leader. We become successful within a team or organization. But that success has an underbelly when our perfectionism pigeonholes us as the preparer or the worker bee. It can lead to several perilous challenges.

First, we can find ourselves preparing for others to shine in the spotlight while inadvertently keeping ourselves hidden when the work is presented. Second, the workload can become overwhelming. We make the time in our day, and usually night, to prepare. Eventually, that preparation may dominate our time while other opportunities to grow are assigned elsewhere. Third, our preparation becomes our coping mechanism. When we don’t have time to do the usual preparation, anxiety can kick in and we may avoid taking advantage of opportunities. Preparation gives us a boost, making us feel and appear competent. It gives us a bit more control and certainty in our areas of focus, increasing our chances of success. We rely on it. We don’t as readily see that our experience gets us there too, that we have grown our skills and competencies. We think we need more preparation than we do to be perfect in every meeting. Fourth, many women I have coached find they no longer have the time to do what they once did, but preparing to perfection is so ingrained that their fear grows. It steals the development of our skill to think on our feet, to be able to answer with a framework of what we know instead of the details of heavy-duty analysis

Lastly, having a reputation of being prepared to perfection is not enough as we aspire to leadership roles. Leaders must be able to decide a course of action with limited information. When we always depend on hours of preparation, we don’t learn how to move forward with partial information and the success or failure that results. The well-intentioned, over-prepared woman can easily get tagged as great to have on the team but not to lead it. Worse yet, our high standards may make us overly critical of those we are leading and developing. Instead of coaching others to excel, we may fall prey to micromanagement, another perilous reputation

If you see yourself in any part of the preparing to perfection strategy, you are not alone. Many successful women leaders have or continue to face this and find the courage to open the mirrored door

While there are no cookie-cutter solutions, I recommend several areas to consider as you let go of or lighten up on this success strategy.

Preparing to Perfection:Managers’ Considerations

• When setting priorities with your direct report, clarify the deliverables and the rigor needed against each project so that she can better determine how much time and energy (and stress) to invest in it. Identify when a rough draft for input is enough as opposed to when an assignment needs a higher level of completion
• Manage your direct report with a growth mindset. Recognize her progress with specifics, acknowledging her effort, development, and learning. Let her know the ways she is tracking well against your expectations or when she isn’t given her time in the role
• Model the way by sharing your own imperfections to create an environment of learning and idea generation
• Acknowledge and show appreciation for her smart risk-taking. See something and say something

Reflect On Your Success

One way to recover from perfectionism is to adopt a growth mindset instead of a fixed one. Reflection is the key to getting there. It will help you objectively see your own progress and learning. If you find yourself overthinking something, dissect and reflect on the facts, your interpretation, and what else could be going on. Consider if there are actions you can take to move you out of rumination so you can let go of unproductive spinning.

When my female clients proactively make space to reflect on their successes over time, they recognize they have accomplished more, grown stronger, and progressed. I ask them to list what chances they took, what they learned, how they bounced back when something didn’t go as planned, and what they’d do differently next time. They share their answers with me, surprised by their growth. This is why reflection is my number one recommendation for perfectionists and one of the best ways to assess, ignore the Inner Antagonist and everyday demands, and celebrate wins, losses, and insights. I encourage you to make it at least a weekly practice. Adding gratitude to your reflection can move you into a positive mindset

Reframe the Roles

Being prepared to perfection is more likely to become perilous when our roles expand and grow. We may take on more responsibility in our company or at home and approach it with the same level of effort that has worked before. So frequently, more is added, and nothing is taken away. This calls us to operate more efficiently or take things off the list. This is a difficult part of the role transition we are experiencing. The paradox is that we can’t apply the same level of effort toward perfection that we always have, but we still believe we won’t be successful unless we are perfect. To disrupt ourselves, we must rethink perfection and dive into our expectations of the hats we wear. As we gain more accountability for people at work, we may need to force ourselves to delegate, and establish one-on-one check-ins on progress and outcomes. At home, our strategy may be reflecting on our vision of what gets done and who does it

I asked one client to list all of the to-dos in her home and request that her partner do the same. It was shocking for them to see the dramatic difference in the length of their lists, and it opened more conversations about what they could do, divide, or ditch. Tiffany Dufu’s book Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less is a call to working women to reconsider the standards to which we hold ourselves. While her manifesto is more focused on homes, the spirit of her message can be applied to our work life too. As we advance in our careers, we have to let go of some of the preparation that secured perfection for us in the past. We need to reframe our roles and the standards to which we deliver, balancing our own values and needs with what is most critically important in each role

Plan for Action, Ask for Help

Many times, we resist deciding because we don’t want to risk a bad outcome. If that resonates with you, consider creating a framework for your decision criteria that enables you to act. This could be as simple as determining, for example, that you can move forward if three of five assumptions are proven. Seek input and coaching from your manager so you can move forward with less-than-perfect information. When you receive a new request on top of a full plate, consider the time you can commit to it and ask if that will be sufficient for the level of risk involved in the work. If not, collaborate on how to reprioritize or offload other work. Engage others to help you make this shift

I recommend that you talk to your boss about your deliverables. Work with them to identify the high-stakes work and where you can deliver more efficiently or delegate. I tell my clients and students: identify the As, Bs, and Cs. Negotiate how many As you can realistically handle with the excellence required, along with the level of completion of the Bs and Cs. This kind of conversation can help you create shared expectations of the work needed

You may be thinking, Everything is treated like an A in my workplace. If so, that calls for a different conversation. As when you matched your course load to difficult content or how hard a semester would be, it’s critical to set yourself up for success through courageous conversations that make for a sustainable work life

Get Real

Women are stereotypically thought to be more empathic, yet when we strive for perfection, we are rarely empathetic to ourselves. Get realistic about how hard you are on yourself and give yourself more compassion. My wish for you is that you let go of overdoing the preparation and begin to practice showing up less than perfect. Take one small, courageous step at a time followed by another, bigger one. Choose progress over perfection. Be prepared enough to progress. When you recognize that you are more ready than you thought and step through that mirrored door, you will realize you’ve got this. I’m betting you will soon see that you knew so much more all along. It’s a journey, and you are no longer a solo traveler. Why wait?

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• How does being prepared to perfection currently help and/or hinder you?
• If you were focused on progress and growth over perfection, how might things be different for you?
• What’s one thing you can do to try a new way of being?

6 Eagerly Pleasing

I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life—and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do. - Georgia O’Keeffe

When we are eager to please, we prioritize others and the greater good. We work collaboratively to build consensus and connections. In short, we keep the peace and ensure everyone is happy. In doing so, we are likeable, trusted, and, many times, the glue that holds groups or relationships together. We are adept at asking great questions and listening, reading the room, considering others’ unexpressed views, and anticipating and offsetting an issue before it blows up. This way of operating makes us successful teammates and team leaders, especially in today’s workplaces, where disengagement is high and a sense of belonging is low

The upside of being eager to please can be diminished when we overdo it and leave ourselves out of the equation. The downside of this powerful success strategy is that we easily get hooked on being liked and hesitate to act in ways that we perceive would jeopardize our standing or relationships. We don’t want to let others down, cause a problem, or seem selfish. We stand at the mirrored door, fearing judgment, and we hesitate to voice opposing opinions, prioritize our needs, confront conflict, or make unpopular decisions. Although being liked, trusted, and a consensus builder is valuable in our careers and leadership, we may also be perceived as non-confrontational and indecisive, which could be perilous to our future

One of the most fraught relationships many women have is with their in-laws. It becomes the pinnacle of tension between wanting to please them and be liked in concert with the independence we crave to create a separate entity within the mothership. Even though I struck gold with the family I married into, I still struggled to draw the line between us and always felt judgment when we did. My husband? Not so much. It seemed so easy for him to decide and declare, whereas I was apologetic as I detailed our rationale at length. My need to please and struggle to set boundaries was not simply a familial issue.

I hear from so many women that it feels like we were born that way. Our rewarded orientation toward others shows up through our family life, education, and careers. We prioritize others and are loved for it. But this may lead to the neglect of our own priorities, needs, and aspirations. In the workplace, we become the person everyone wants on their team, yet may struggle to be seen as the ideal candidate to lead it. At its worst, our tendencies can register concerns that we avoid conflict, are indecisive, and are too soft on people. But when we learn to raise issues and build more ease in healthy disagreements and challenging conversations, we can leverage the much-needed power of our empathy, collaboration, and team-building skills, and stifle the negative effects of eager-to-please instincts. To do so, we need to risk speaking up and making tough calls, and we need to trust that we can do so while maintaining our relationships

Hardwired to Please

This tendency to please and prioritize others becomes our promise to the groups we are a part of, and it seeds cooperation. We learn to bring out the best in people. We have the emotional intelligence to understand people and anticipate and mitigate issues. We engage others in a friendly way that creates connection. We are counted on to do what’s right for the broader community. Our relationships are harmonious, and our superpower is making everyone happy. People expect this of us, and we deliver on these powerful traits, at home, at work, in every arena. We become eager to please, and the payoff is big. We are many times adored

The Peril of Being Eager to Please

Because we are hardwired to please, the notion of prioritizing ourselves or our own agenda creates a conflict with our identity and a fear that stops us at the mirrored door. We consider the energy it would take along with the possible fallout of a different approach, and keep our concerns or requests to ourselves. We wish those around us would simply know what we want. We’ve grown so used to our role that the idea of disagreement or asking for our fair share seems incredibly risky.

So often women are judged more harshly when they are less than altruistic, make mistakes, or are perceived as too aggressive. We run the risk of being shamed or mischaracterized for asking for what we want, being called entitled or worse

I care enough about you and your future to tell you that the disease to please has a dark side that accumulates over time and sneaks up on us, impacting our careers, relationships, and psyche. The paradox of pleasing others is that it feels so risky to walk through that mirrored door and away from the image others have of us that we miss the real risk: losing ourselves in others’ needs and never getting our own met. Such relationship concessions can add up and may aggregate into greater frustrations or underlying anger. We can feel taken for granted, annoyed at always having to play a role, or simply forgotten as our needs are left behind.

Eagerly Pleasing:Managers’ Considerations

• Acknowledge your direct report’s relationship-building skills and their impact on the team and business. Help her see that her tendency is valuable and she is more than a nice, kind person. Remind her of her influence
• Create a safe, open environment that enables healthy debate and disagreement. Show that it is okay to raise issues, say no, and ask for what you need. Encourage when this happens
• Model how you address conflict while maintaining relationships. Openly discuss the challenge of addressing issues while maintaining connection
• Clarify roles and expectations with the full team, so that accountability is clear. Support her in assessing a sticky situation and collaborate on next steps when she needs support in managing conflict.
• Delegate your high-value initiatives across the team. Ensure that additional to-dos are also split equally. Consider whether in the past you have assigned her to projects or tasks that don’t fit her role or advance her performance results or promotion candidacy

Change Is an Inside Job

My hope is that you discover what enables you to thrive. And my greatest wish is that you practice saying no or pushing back, one small step at a time. A first step is to know what you need.

When we hold our needs inside, we don’t set ourselves up for success. We also construct hidden expectations that others in our work and life are unable to meet, seeding our own disappointment—we somehow expect the people in our lives to be mind-readers. Of course, I wish I didn’t have to tell my partner or boss what makes me feel valued, my number one need. But if I keep that need to myself, I increase the chance that it will not get met

I teach my students and clients that needs are the requirements for us to be at our best. When needs are met, they are invisible. When they aren’t met, something seems wrong. It’s hard to pinpoint what is happening, but we are usually bothered by something that is not being fulfilled. If we can ask for that, we increase our chances of thriving

For many women, boundary setting is difficult. It is particularly challenging when you want to please everyone and preserve relationships. While we know rationally that we need to establish boundaries, we frequently hesitate because of the response we might get. We fear we will inconvenience others, or be seen as selfish or mean. Though we can’t control other people’s reactions, the stories we imagine range from an awkward interaction to missed opportunities to a catastrophic collapse of a job or friendship

I find it helps to consider the worst that can happen. This questioning cuts through what we conjure and helps us recognize that our worst fear is typically not very likely. For example, you might get pushback and then need to reassert your boundary. Many times, it ends at the firmness you exhibit. If not, then go down a layer: Is their reaction really going to damage the relationship? Is this really true? When we draw a firm line, we may meet disappointment but usually find ourselves being heard and respected. We set the stage for more balanced give-and-take and avoid being a pushover

If this topic resonates with you, I suggest you practice the following framework: the Three Cs of Brave Boundary Setting. Do this in the easiest of conditions so that you can keep at it as the stakes grow higher. This framework helps amazing, unassuming women with rock-solid relationships (that they don’t always realize they have in abundance). It leverages their strengths to enable them to have the necessary talks they’re avoiding

First, you must know what you want and what’s at stake, and be ready to go for it. This requires a courageous conversation to ensure your need is met. Start with the smallest need you can think of and then try one bigger, and so on

• Clarify. Begin by clearly stating the boundary
• Connect. After stating your boundary, pause to listen for the other person’s response. You likely have a lot of empathy for others
• Collaborate. Next, offer support in ways that help the other person focus and take the lead on what is next

Facing the Fear

Family relationships can be among the most challenging, especially when it comes to merging family expectations

My wish for you is that you understand whether you are eager to please and, if you are, when you first learned this. How has it helped you and where does it limit you in the short and long terms? Consider your relationships objectively. Be honest. Can they withstand you setting boundaries, a difference of opinion, or a debate? Think about people you respect for the way they balance their give-and-take. How could your evolution inspire others to do the same? Lastly, why not raise this with those closest to you? What about the people you work with day-to-day? How might you model the way for others in your life? Don’t forget all the upsides and power in this success strategy. Get ready to rebalance, with more of you in the equation.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• In what areas of your life do you advocate for others? What enables you to do that?
• What would it be like to trust your relationships enough to risk saying no, raising an issue, or asking for what you want? Commit to trying one of these actions in one situation this week
• What boundary could make a meaningful difference for you? Write a script for sharing that boundary using the Three Cs of Brave Boundary Setting.

7 Fitting the Mold

There is power in allowing yourself to be known and heard, in owning your unique story, in using your authentic voice. - Michelle Obama

When we fit the mold, we flex our agility to gain entry, fit in quickly, and follow the cultural norms to build familiarity and connection with the team. We add an easy diversity to the organization when we seem just like them, only different. We harmonize with the existing team seamlessly and thus advance. While that specific expectation—single equals promotable—that I faced has evolved, the pressure for women to conform to the latest standards continues

Under the Spotlight

When we enter workplaces as one of the few or the only, we instantly feel the burden of fitting in. When we are in the minority in a group, our internal sensor goes off whenever we perceive we are under a spotlight because of our differences. The risk of that glare tells us we need to blend into the crowd. As outsiders, we hone the skills to read the situations surrounding us and adapt to adhere to the group norms. Bending ourselves to belong begets praise, elevates our potential, and makes things easy for the rest of the team. It works for us to follow others’ leads and laws—the promotions and possibilities are the rewards for our efforts

The promise of this success strategy is that we become astute observers, knowing what does and doesn’t work, assimilating and learning to speak the language, dress the part, and behave within the boundaries of an organizational culture. We strive to be and be perceived as the ideal worker, with a relentless commitment to work without outside distractions

The Peril of Fit

When we position ourselves to match company culture, we increase our chances of success. But we may also stretch too far from who we really are. Many times, the advice from colleagues as well as what we perceive is valued by the culture drive us to contort ourselves, sometimes beyond recognition. We unwittingly construct an unsustainable, exhausting habit that can rob us of our authenticity. Along the way, the company doesn’t get the benefit of our true diverse experience and point of view. When we hide who we are, our stress, dissatisfaction, and disengagement increase. We sense we don’t belong. We may worry about the repercussions if our true self were to be revealed.

When we fit the mold, we face the mirrored door and assess that who we are is not what they want. And we stack up the evidence to support that belief. We begin to see less of ourselves and more of who we think they want to see. We capture a distorted image that will best do the job and help us belong

The learned, highly successful ability to adapt can become perilous for women in two ways. First, like Ekta, we may grow tired of playing by the outdated rules of others. This form of code-switching, where we adopt the rules or codes of a company instead of our own, can impact both our work and our mental wellness

Second, when we show who we really are, others may perceive us as less promising than they previously thought. I frequently hear from women that fitting the mold helped them achieve and grow at first, but this growth was short-lived, especially as they stepped into and wanted to show their true selves

Fitting the Mold:Managers’ Considerations

• Acknowledge how diverse thinking and perspectives help the team and company be more innovative and increase the chance of meeting customers’ needs
• Consider how your employees from underrepresented groups might be affected by pressures to fit in. To succeed, do women need to fit a mold or is the mold expanding or breaking to transform the organization?
• Review employee surveys to see how diverse employees rate the company and management. Are women and people of color feeling included—like they belong, are respected, and have a future path there? How might policies and practices need to change to deliver on the promise of diverse organizations?
• Remember that no one group is a monolith. Avoid putting the weight of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives on the shoulders of women and other underrepresented groups. Share the workload, credit the work in performance reviews, and encourage real allyship.
• Acknowledge and applaud input, collaboration, and authenticity. Create safety in the growing pains of organizational change and the freedom to express how you and your company will get better. Model that you and the team are all learning

When Fit Goes Rogue

It’s human nature to choose to be around others like us. In a New York Times opinion piece, Kellogg School of Management professor Lauren Rivera reveals that cultural fit has become a new form of discrimination that suppresses demographic and cultural diversity. Hiring for fit makes it easier for the majority to relate, mitigates preconceived notions or biases, and reduces the occurrences of something we all fear: awkward moments. Companies increasingly want diversity but don’t always know how to value and encourage it

Breaking the Bias

Women, especially women of color, must deal with the dynamic of outperforming others while coming up short for the next promotion. It fuels us to prepare to perfection and fit the mold. We continuously try to prove ourselves and be seen and recognized. This dynamic motivates many to play the game to change the game. Maybe then we can stop trying to fit in and begin to break the mold

Staying True

Authenticity has become buzzworthy in recent years. Articles and books promote it while others question if anyone really wants to see their coworkers’ authentic selves. That said, there is a continuum from let it all hang out authenticity to fitting the mold with an inauthentic self. The questions to ask yourself include:

• How can I be closer to who I am and succeed here?
• What is the benefit and cost to showing up more authentically in this workplace?
• What actions indicate an open engagement of differences?

Standing out and pushing back takes courage, especially in the face of a culture of conformity. We must bring awareness to who we truly are, with all our strengths, where we want to go, and what we uniquely offer. The pivot is to stay true to ourselves at our core, understand the value we bring, and identify where we might need to dial up or down some aspect to grow and impact the culture we are in, or find elsewhere

This pivot also requires you to know what you are up for at this phase of your career and life. You may find that being your more authentic self in one company is an uphill battle

If you want to be more yourself at work, you must know who you are. One of the best ways to do that is to identify your top values. These are the things that matter most to you at your core. They are like the compass that guides your actions, what you care about, and what feels wrong when violated

The more we know who we truly are, the more we can consciously consider how we might show up fully as opposed to showing up how we perceive our organization expects us to

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• Does your company inadvertently have a mold that you must fit to be successful? How is that mold expanding, breaking, or contracting?
• Brainstorm how you might communicate what you need from your boss, team, or self to show up as you are, more integrated and real. What’s one thing you could do to advance that?

8 Working Pedalto the Metal

Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them. - Unknown

When we embrace a pedal to the metal approach, we work tirelessly to drive results, have a high capacity for work, and keep our eye on the prize. We have the identity of a winner, a striver, a forward-looking leader. The promise we offer to our workplaces is that we are ready for challenging goals and will do what it takes to achieve them. Those with this tendency usually have high competencies and are constantly improving themselves and those around them, whether they like it or not. When there is a difficult, uncertain change needed, management assigns someone who exhibits these qualities because they will drive themselves and their teams far. For those with this success tendency, they feel seen when asked to step up to something they’ve never done before. They believe they can pull it off and have much evidence to support that from past successes. Others count on them for their genuine interest and open readiness to take on more and get things done.

The Peril of Working Pedal to the Metal

Working with a pedal-to-the-metal tendency, you keep your foot on the gas. You power through and move quickly, sometimes leaving others in your dust. The peril of this approach involves relationships, with others and yourself. You might try so hard that you lose balance and neglect the fine balance of your colleagues’ needs and your own

Hard-charging behavior may be seen as results-oriented but is incongruous to expectations of our gender, and so we may experience resistance to our ideas and direction, especially if we skip the team-building that can create a foundation of trust and connection

On the surface, this tendency appears like action as if we are walking through the mirrored door. In reality, we are running in place when we work in a silo and don’t bring the team along with us. We can exhaust ourselves and suddenly realize that we can run on fumes for only so long. Our relentless pursuit of our goals can impact our well-being, mental health, and internal balance

Slow Down to Speed Up

If you find your preference for a pedal-to-the-metal approach is wearing down your relationships, you may need to slow down so that you and your team can speed up together once you’ve pulled them along with you and collectively set the pace. This may feel incongruent with your standard approach. I encourage you to take on a mini-challenge and experiment with slowing down your pace. My hope is that it will sync you up with others, motivate them to carry on and speed up, and join you in the work and enthusiasm for the goals

Slowing down brings balance to the amazing energy you have for everything in your life. Pause your default approach and process for the sake of your relationships with others. If you sense that you are driving all decisions, perhaps because of constructive feedback telling you so, then it may be time to stop and listen to others, to give colleagues the opportunity to contribute and make your collective work better

These steps may come naturally to some. For others, I suggest engineering the process. For example, you can use your project management ability and strategic thinking to craft a shared agenda that allows for a healthy debate that includes all project contributors. You might ask for comments, questions, areas of disagreement, or votes to be submitted in writing. You can use polls in virtual meetings and Post-its or index cards in person to surface what is going unsaid

The group can then discuss the merits of each idea. The goal here is to build collaboration, candor, and contributions as you take in the points of view of others and let that input influence the work. I encourage you to set a short time limit to keep the interactions engaging and effective.

Offset the Bias

Women with pedal-to-the-metal mindsets and behaviors are seen as highly competent and leaderlike. This rubs up against society’s ingrained bias to expect warmth in women above all. When a woman’s competence is more prominent than her warmth, it creates a cognitive dissonance—our experience doesn’t match our expectations

My advice is not to change the amazing results-driven leader you are but to show more of yourself and your motivations to others. Understanding that gendered assumptions and the double bind we face are, unfortunately, alive and well, we must offset them by considering how to manage the backlash, thinking and acting strategically, and by learning from each other

Working Pedal to the Metal:Managers’ Considerations

• Acknowledge a woman’s drive, efforts, and ability to get the job done.
• Coach her development in the areas of collaboration, delegation, and motivating a team for high performance. Teach her how to motivate others through setting a vision and co-developing the plan to get there.
• Clarify your expectations around workload, face time, response time, and so on. Share details about your transition from individual contributor to leader of others. Talk about how to let go, lean on others, and manage one’s own high expectations
• Support her to prioritize what requires a pedal-to-the-metal approach and what can be accomplished with slower, steady progress. Discuss what is enough or more than enough at different stages and across different projects
• Provide feedback on her impact, highlighting what is working and what needs development. Help her see that outpacing others can hurt more than it helps and is not sustainable for the team or for her over the long term
• Call out biased feedback if team members are reacting differently to a woman than they would to a man exhibiting the same aggression and drive
• Consider how you might be rewarding or inadvertently incenting a pedal-to-the-metal tendency. Brainstorm how you both might need to try some new practices

Take Care to Take Charge

A pedal-to-the-metal tendency involves an incredible work ethic that knows no bounds. This may lead to overcommitting, burning the candle at both ends, and obsessing with or being too focused on work. We run on adrenaline and miss the cues that we need to slow down physically and take care of ourselves

Adding to this success strategy is the heavy workload outside of our jobs. Research shows that when women shoulder more of the unpaid labor of caregiving and household chores, their mental health is impacted. The stress relates to the hours of work, the implicit expectations that women take on more, and the urgency around the specific chores

A 2022 Gallup–Workhuman report indicates that 25 percent of the workforce describes being burnt out very often or always. Incorporating reflection, meditation, breaks from your desk, good sleep habits, and unscheduled time to think may balance you and increase your self-care, and thus give you the space and time to reconsider your fevered approach to work. I suggest journaling or using an app to track your habits and identify when enough is enough. Finding passions in areas of life outside work can also tame this tendency. Expand more of your non-work interests. Use your pedal-to-the-metal focus to hold yourself accountable to your physical and mental well-being.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• How might you share who you are with your team for them to understand your intention, driving behavior, and areas to develop? How might you better understand them? How might you alter your usual actions to elevate others’ accountability and performance?
• What did you do today to take care of yourself? What daily ritual could provide you with care and space to pause?
• Brainstorm ways that you might lighten your foot on the gas to steer your energy at a higher level; for example, block time on your calendar for ideating versus executing. What impact could you have if you focused more time and energy on strategic issues?

9 Performing Patiently

If they don’t give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair. - Shirley Chisholm

Performing Patiently Is Proffering

When we are successful by performing patiently, it means we deliver results, believe our work speaks for itself, understand our manager’s timing and constraints, and are ready and eager for more when the time is right. The challenge is that the right time gets delayed or doesn’t come.

When performing patiently is habitual, we ready ourselves with hope that now is finally our time, believing senior leadership knows we are waiting. We assume our excellence will be noticed and we will finally get the recognition we so richly deserve. But the workplace doesn’t work that way. We must make ourselves more visible and communicate what we offer. By waiting, we are standing at the mirrored door expecting it to open so that we can be welcomed inside. When it doesn’t, the unfairness, disappointment, and resentment hurt.

Performing Patiently:Managers’ Considerations

• Acknowledge her ability to deliver her objectives and the ease you have working with her. Appreciate that she does not overdo it with a constant focus on the next project and promotion
• Consider how her patience makes it easy to say no or delay in favor of the person who is always asking for more. Might you need to adjust your own actions?
• Know her career goals by asking, not assuming. Tell her about the potential you see in her and co-develop a career plan for her desired future
• Help her understand the politics of your company culture and the unwritten rules about new assignments and career advancement. Identify what is within her control and how she will be evaluated
• Help her build her self-advocacy skills. Ask her to articulate her impact and her role in a group project so that she becomes accustomed to sharing her successes. Ask her to communicate her accomplishments with you frequently and explain that it helps you support and sponsor her.
• Collaboratively consider and build ways to increase her visibility in the organization and with senior leaders by finding opportunities for her to shine and preparing with her to be able to do so

Conditioned to Perform Patiently

Growing up, we were rewarded for being the good girl who didn’t make a fuss, cause trouble, or challenge her elders. Our behavior made it easier for those in charge, who received our obedience, compliance, and support of the unspoken rules of civility, community, and care for the greater good. Our classrooms, families, and teams needed our good behavior, and our presence mattered, as we modeled the ideal for others. It felt good to be put on a pedestal of sorts and looked at with approval

The cues to proffer surrounded us as girls. As when we played the childhood game of Mother May I?, we learned to ask for permission before we moved forward. As safety concerns were greater for our gender, we needed a parent’s okay for many of our activities. And as we grew older, we continued to learn to play Miss Congeniality and unconsciously operate within a range of acceptable behaviors. While we didn’t rock the boat, we likely rocked the grades, the college applications, and clubs or teams. We loved being picked, seeing our work acknowledged, and being successful

Patience Becomes Perilous

Women and other marginalized people frequently fall prey to the belief that our hard work will be recognized, that others will just know what we want, and that we are ready for it. At its worst, proffering is like ringing the doorbell of the mirrored door

A recent study found a large gender gap in self-promotion, with men rating their performance 33 percent higher than equally performing women. This is particularly troubling given the pervasiveness of subjective self-assessments in many organizations that may lead others to downplay women’s work

We must find our way to open that door and get to the other side. If we don’t become visible and communicate what we have done and want to do, we are giving the decision of our future to someone else who may not see us or who may have a flawed perspective. We need to pivot in the conversations we have with ourselves and our colleagues

Proactivity and Presence

If we find performing patiently an obstacle, we need to pivot to proactivity and presence. These call us to create more visibility for who we are and what we’ve done. That is no small task for many women. It may force us to undo self-judgment about raising our hand for a promotion. We might have to reconsider what we learned early on about proactively sharing our qualifications. When we dig deep, many discover that we have learned that asking for what we want is wrong

Zoe and I worked together to prepare her for a conversation with her manager, who previously did not see her value or potential. We used a framework I developed to help her communicate with more conviction and ease. It provided a way for her to think through what she wanted and step into this unfamiliar type of discussion. She got in touch with what mattered most to her, which shifted her from thoughts to action. The framework has four elements: stakes, intention, goals, and negotiables (aka, the SIGN framework).

• Stakes. This is identifying what you have to lose and gain.
• Intention. This is your mindset and the way you want to show up in the conversation
• Goals. The short-term goal is the outcome you want from the conversation. Many times, it is what you want to communicate or learn. The long-term goal is the outcome of action that is decided or advanced in the conversation
• Negotiables. This describes the give-and-take of the agreement you have with the company. Most people think negotiations mean salary, bonus, and vacation time, but there are many more negotiable elements of the relationship such as project assignments, direct reports, committee responsibilities, development programs, initiative leadership, and promotion timing

Lastly, taking a structured, strategic approach to this discussion, she planned the agenda, her messages, and her tone. After the first meeting, she told me she felt proud, not pushy. She felt encouraged and excited to continue the conversation, and so did her boss. She shifted to patiently and proudly performing.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• What would your conversations sound like if you viewed self-advocacy in a positive light?
• Write a short script in which you share your accomplishments and aspirations with your boss in the same way that you would discuss other parts of your job, such as project milestone planning
• If you gave yourself the right to ask for what you want and share why that benefits the company, how might you show up differently? What’s one thing you can do to act from that mindset?

Part Three Break Through: To the Gifts Across the Threshold

In Part Three, we step through the mirrored door and into our growth, grit, and gravitas. When we’ve moved forward through fear and challenges, we learn through experience and grow stronger, more courageous, and confident, and we know we can figure it out. We relish what’s on the other side and we learn to build a community that nurtures and advances us. We celebrate owning our story as a protagonist instead of being a supporting character. We answer the call to share our voice and our vision, teach those around us by modeling the way, and open the doors wide to welcome those who are creating their own paths.

10 Courage before Confidence

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Courage Is the Prerequisite

Courage is the prerequisite to confidence. Our society tells us we need confidence first. It’s on the agenda of every women’s conference and said far too often to women in performance reviews, wrapped up in words like presence and gravitas. To be sure, how we show up does matter, as do others’ perceptions of our trustworthiness, competence, and warmth. But we have to start with ourselves and understand what we can tap to move ourselves toward smart risks and growth. We can’t go around our obstacles. The only way out is through

When we face something new, uncertain, or challenging, we need courage to move from fear and doubt into action. Whether we succeed or fail, we will grow from that action. We learn from our wins or by seeing what we would do next time to avoid a loss. We learn that we can win and go after something even bigger next time. We gain the knowledge that we can fall and get back up. We know we can move forward with worries and uncertainty and still figure it out. Our courage to act builds confidence. Without action, we don’t gain confidence. When we reflect on ourselves negatively in front of the mirrored door, we are searching for the confidence and certainty we think we lack.

I coach women who come to me on a quest for confidence, they are disappointed at first in my belief that it is an outcome. The implication is that they will walk out of our session without it. But when I raise the concept of courage, their eyes open wide. I see their wheels turn as they recall and share what it took for them to accomplish their long list of achievements.

“Swagher”

It’s time we create a middle ground, a swagher, that shows our guts and self-assuredness on our own terms. This requires an objective knowledge of our successes, talents, and uniqueness. It requires a growth mindset with which we can let go of perfection and continuously learn on the job. And it allows us to play a bigger game of our own making. It is about saying yes to the next role that we can grow into and learn instead of saying no because we don’t feel ready enough.

An Agile Identity

When we step into new roles or companies for the first time, we bring our strengths, strategies, and skills that have always worked so well. We showcase these but may need different tactics. In his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, bestselling author and top business coach Marshall Goldsmith notes that successful people can become more successful when they adapt to the changing landscape around them. Said another way, we must be aware of who we are and what we’ve done and assess what is needed going forward so we can adjust and grow.

When the way that we operated and approached our role has become ingrained in our identity and a new job requires new skills or ways of being, we may feel like our authenticity and self-image are being compromised. Doubling down on past strengths can be regressive as we strive to make the new situation work.

The catch is to assess who we are and what it will take for us to succeed in a new situation. We can close any gaps with a growth mindset of experimentation, learning, and expanding our previous knowledge and skill base

This is a good strategy, regardless of gender, but women have the added burden of trying to succeed when there may not be many or any other women to model the way. Being the one or one of the few can inadvertently incent risk avoidance and result in women playing it safe and being seen as too cautious

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• Recall a time you acted with confidence. How was that preceded by courageous conversations or actions?
• List the ways you’ve shown courage in your career and life
• What is one step of courage you will take this week? Next week? The following week?

11 Creating Community Takes a Village

Every woman’s success should be an inspiration to another. We’re strongest when we cheer each other on. - Serena Williams

I used to think that going it alone was a sign of strength. The reality is, we need others to help us make our way forward. The sooner we recognize this, the faster we can open ourselves up to new perspectives, learn valuable intelligence, and gain support to get further down the road

When we face new and/or tough terrain, we need guidance. This may come in the form of a mentor who inspires, provokes, and guides our direction. This could take the form of a one-on-one, or one-to-many, relationship, like the inspiration I felt when I heard Sue Wellington. She didn’t know me but spoke to her experiences, something I do now to mentor from afar. It’s critical for us to be open to help, find sources that address where we most need support, and try on ideas even when they feel new

Research tells us that women tend to be over-mentored and under-sponsored. A sponsor is someone who knows you and what you can do and advocates for you when you are not in the room

On average, women are known to have strong relationship-building skills, but we don’t always use them when it comes to networking. When we socialize, we share ourselves and go deep with others easily and enjoy it. But when it comes to the idea of networking, many women feel it is disingenuous and manipulative, and they dread it

I recommend that women in my program analyze how they like to interact with new people or connect deeper with acquaintances. Some may dread a large networking event but love a way to meet people through smaller interactions where they are learning or doing something together. Others may recognize they need the large events and enter them with a goal to get to know just one person at first. They experiment with ways to strike up a conversation and find the types of venues that enable that interaction. Research shows that women use networks to share knowledge that informs job searches, industry understanding, and vetting of other people. We also know that it is human to have a network that looks like us. Adding people who have different experiences and backgrounds can broaden our thinking and reach. And staying connected to those we know and who know us matters. I tell my students, Nurture your network before you need it. That may mean brief emails or LinkedIn comments, or it could mean the occasional coffee or video chat.

I highly recommend that you develop a core group of people you can go to or gather as you consider major changes and choices. Many call it a personal board of directors, people who care enough about you to be ready to advise and speak candidly about your opportunity in an objective fashion, and who can help you figure out what you are up for, what you want, and what is the next best step on your way to the future.

When we feel defeated, exhausted, or overwhelmed, we may be tempted to give up. This is where we search for inspiration from mentors, support from our community, and grounding in what we are striving for to build our resolve and resilience. Often, we find our way back through reflection, memories, conversations, or some symbol that reminds us of who we are

Women Hype Women

We must let go of the myth that another woman’s success means that we lose. To be sure, at times, we do compete head-to-head with other candidates, but this is not what we face in daily work life. In the past, bad behavior came from a perception, and often the reality, that there was only one seat for a woman to win or lose. Research has found that senior women are often hard on other women because of gender bias in the workplace. Although women having to survive in male-dominated workspaces is increasingly a thing of the past, the problem has not been completely eradicated. We have work to do to build the number of women in leadership positions

When one woman wins, we all win. There is too much at stake to divide ourselves when we have so much progress to make. We need to model the way and align our colleagues with us, and take note as behaviors start to change for the good

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• List the people who advise you, formally or informally. How might you engage with them so they can nurture you and help you advance?
• Assess your network and how you might grow it. If you let go of negative associations with networking, how might you build more and better relationships?
• What can you do to amplify the women in your company, team, and life? How will you start today?

12 The Making of a Protagonista

My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant be your own person, be independent. - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

To take ownership of our future, we must step into the role of the protagonist and lead in our own story. You may recall from English class that the protagonist is the lead character who transforms over the course of the story. In media, women have often played a secondary role as girlfriend, wife, assistant, or in service to the main character, typically a man, whose story evolves and is centered. Historically, women have seen far fewer models in popular culture of their stories being centered in society, in addition to work and life. Taking the lead in our own lives may feel unnatural or unfamiliar, which is why we need intention and effort to proactively step into a new role for ourselves

What Is a Protagonista?

A protagonista is not born capable and successful. She grows through trials and tribulations and learns from successes and failures. The protagonista is flawed and imperfect yet heroic in her courage to step forward anyway. She falls and experiences the consequences of her actions and continues to get back up. She battles the antagonists, inside and around her, that halt the journey and lock her out of opportunity

A protagonista is a fierce protector of others. She can lead her story without seeing herself as the center of the universe. She embraces her feminine and masculine sides and finds the bravery to let go of sky-high gendered expectations yet still carry ambitions for her future and the greater good. With care for something larger than herself, she envisions a bigger future and inspires others to join her. Her other-focused orientation is intertwined and balanced with what she needs. So she can both take care and take charge. She doesn’t leave others behind

Her courage enables her to own and value her multiple identities and others’ lived experiences with openness and respect. Through her own change, she models the transformation of that which surrounds her.

A protagonista doesn’t have all the answers. Her need to impress gives way to relief when she stops the pretense and receives the surprising gifts of vulnerability and imperfection as strengths, not weaknesses. Once through that obstacle, she sees she is not alone. As she learns that she doesn’t need to go it alone and finally asks for help, she gives voice to herself and others. A protagonista reveals who she is, the good and the bad. This enables her to seek out support and guidance and opens her up to the mentorship she yearns for but may have previously denied.

You can be a protagonista by living these principles:

• Give yourself permission to take the lead and embark on the departure from the past
• Extend your reach beyond your grasp and your past
• Take ownership of who you are: strengths and weaknesses, the good and bad of your story
• Build the tenacity to stand back up when you get knocked down
• Ask for help, feedback, and advocacy to get what you need to be your best
• Trust your gut to courageously face uncertainty, address your Inner Antagonist, and open the mirrored door
• Share opinions that are grounded and voiced with candor, collaboration, and care
• Possess the no-bility to wisely say yes to what you want and firmly say no to what you don’t.
• Accept imperfection, which allows you to be human, celebrate progress, and act in the face of fear
• Surround yourself with people, companies, and communities that see and support you and make you feel safe
• Tell your truth to enable you to be who you are and say what needs to be said
• Amplify women’s voices at a volume and frequency that gets heard and remembered

A protagonista unlocks the mirrored door and moves into action. This emboldens her and encourages more growth and thoughtful risks with every adventure. When she wins, she returns as the victor for all. She feels the call of her legacy and shares the elixir of her efforts, bravery, and wisdom, and opens the mirrored door for those who follow her path

The Call

The heroine starts her journey when a new insight sparks a change from the status quo. It inspires a shift from the familiar or normal pattern that serves as a call to move into the uncertainty. It spurs an inner wonder, a new inquiry, and recurring sense that something isn’t right. It is this small kernel of regret, unrest, injustice, or exhaustion that launches her forward into the unknown. For me, the call was my awareness that others were deciding my future and I was going along on autopilot, eager to please.

As we navigate our travels, we face new experiences that may elicit fear, doubt, and instincts that tell us to turn back. We find ourselves in need of guidance that may come in the form of a mentor or helper who serves to inspire, provoke, and guide our direction. We must be open for help, to find sources that fit, and to try on new ideas even when they feel outside our comfort zone. This reaffirms our journey and encourages us for the next leg of the trip.

The Challenge

The protagonista takes on new adventures that can feel both exciting and dangerous. She will inevitably face challenges and battles that may remind her of the safety and certainty she once knew. She stays the course, though, to set up her transformation. She recognizes that the past is behind her and she is in a whole new world with new rules to figure out. She faces setbacks and forges ahead. She faces trials and wins and losses. Each experience builds her skills and strengthens her for the future.

The Convening

The ultimate gift comes to the protagonista on the return journey. She comes home to herself stronger, wiser, and ready for what’s next. Unlike the male protagonists who savor the victory, struggle to return to the ordinary world, and pass the baton, protagonistas are called to convene and convey. They come out on the other side new people, with wisdom to share

Role Models

When I was young, I loved the few and far between stories about girls or women who had courage, spoke up, or seemed to be at the center of books, television shows, or movies

Given the power of media on kids, improving representation could reduce the unconscious biases that influence the self-images of girls and women, along with societal expectations of them. When we see other girls and women who look like us in active roles, being leaders, speaking up, and being respected for their brains, hard work, and influence, we have a better shot of seeing our own potential to do the same. Said another way, when we see it, we can be it. It’s time we recognize the media messages that typecast us into certain roles or ways of being and disrupt those conditioned expectations in favor of choosing the lead role in our careers and lives.

Rewriting Your Story with You in the Lead

Wherever you currently sit, my hope is that you travel a journey of your own making with all the uncertainty around where the road will lead but with the courage to go the distance. Start where you are and run your own race, not someone else’s. My wish for you is that you celebrate the wins and misses and every milestone along the way

JOURNAL PROMPTS

• What holds you back from playing the lead role in your life? What could support you? List actions you will take to be the protagonista.
• How might pivoting from the five perils of success help you step into being a protagonista?

Conclusion

What We’ll Be Known For

When we share our aspirations and challenges, we stand a better chance of creating a new future for ourselves and the girls and women who follow. We model the way and show what can be done. When we pair the strengths of our past approaches with new ones, we may surprise those around us. We become known for our excellence, strong relationships, agility, authenticity, collaboration, drive, and performance. Those used to us doing it all, giving without getting, bending to what others expect, exhausting ourselves, and granting others all the decision-making may feel challenged. That’s okay. You can’t unsee what has held you in place. And you are in good company.

Courageous women opening the mirrored door inspire and show the way

At its core, the idea of the mirrored door is simple. We reflect inward and believe a distorted view instead of reality and the reasonable actions that will advance us. We choose the familiar behavior that worked in the past, only to come up short in comparison to rising expectations of leadership. When we summon our courage to act in small new ways, we learn we can survive and even thrive. We learn we can figure it out, be in the game, and make a difference in our conversations, our work cultures, and our careers

Ready, Set, Go

My shift from supporting player to protagonista helps me slay the inner and external antagonists that will continue to join me on this journey. It also calls me to forge ahead and embrace my own story, warts and all. I know the mirrored door will continue to show up, but my self-awareness of its arrival will be my check-engine light to know that self-knowledge, courage, and action are the antidotes. I am no longer willing to be typecast. I take center stage as the leading lady of my story. You can do the same

You have the courage and determination to make a difference. You know your tendencies, how they were reinforced, and why they may work against you as you move to higher levels in your career. It’s time to break free from the expectations and limitations that may have held you back. You have the power to break through, to create change, to inspire others, and to impact the world for the better. You can be a leader, make a difference, and advocate for what you believe in. It’s time to trust your instinct that you can be so much more, and take small steps of courage that bring you closer to your goals. You are already on your way. How might you raise your visibility, voice, and valor? Go and make it happen. You’ve got this!

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