The month of kindness: What I learned from a 93-year-old grandmother.

It is the month of kindness which coincides with the Holy Month of Ramadan, which is observed by 1.8 billion Muslims across the world. For the purpose of this article, I wanted to reflect on what the word KINDNESS really means to me. Immediately when I think of kindness, I think of my late grandmother Rita Hyland.

But before I explain what kindness means to me, I would like to share a story as we approach the anniversary of my late grandmother on the 16th of May.

Five years ago, on Friday the 15th of May 2015, I travelled home to Ireland from Dubai to surprise my family and my grandmother, nobody in my family knew I would be home. I would often do this just to see the look on their faces when they tried to process if it were really me standing in front of them, it was priceless. It brought me so much joy and happiness to surprise them just for those few seconds. But this time it would be different, this time my grandmother would surprise me.

On Saturday the 16th of May my grandmother passed away suddenly and in one more act of kindness, she somehow knew and waited for me to see her one last time before she left this world.

She was a special lady and I was so grateful to be in her presence before she passed. I truly loved her with all my heart. Even as I think of that moment now 5 years later, I do not think of sadness or sense of loss, I only feel warmth and love. That is what kindness is to me. She filled my heart, with her kindness and she did this through all the small little acts of kindness, by being present with me, being there to listen, never judging me, being generous with her time, and always greeting me & saying goodbye with a hug and a smile.

3 Things My Grandmother Taught Me About Kindness.

Being Present

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of my grandmother was her presence. From the moment you rang her doorbell, she opened the door with a huge smile and warming embrace, until the moment you left, sprinkling Holy water on your head; you could feel her unconditional love and attention. That, of course, was only broken when she was in the kitchen making a cup of tea, this was non-negotiable. The TV would be turned off, there were no mobile phones on tables, no doing other things, she would sit directly across from you and be with you in that space.

It did not matter what we were speaking about, whether it was the stray cat that visited for food, the debate on the radio that afternoon or local news from the neighbourhood it was all irrelevant, it was her presence that meant everything. They say suffering is created through separateness, them vs me, the helper and the helpee. Well then, the opposite must be true, that through someone’s presence you can relieve suffering. That is what I felt when I was around my grandmother and still do today. In the world, we live in today it's quite unusual for someone to be fully present with you. I want you to think of the last time someone was fully present with you? How did it make you feel?

 The ultimate compassion is the act itself, which has the potential to relieve every level of suffering, not just the food in the belly, or the mattress to safely sleep on at night. The suffering that comes from separateness is only relieved when you are present with another person. So the whole game of helping another human being becomes about realizing whether or not you’re busy being the ‘helper,’ and making them the ‘helpee.’ If so, you’ve just created suffering. ~ Ram Dass

Withhold Judgment

Often when we meet people, we are totally unaware of our own habits, preconceptions, and biases. We are often quick to judge others, making snap assumptions on that person based on very little data. We ask them a few questions, we look at how they are dressed, how they speak and then we try to place them into one of the predefined boxes that we have framed in our mind. Unfortunately, like the mirrored maze, what we think we see and what is reality are often very different. We have all been guilty of judging someone before we really know them, only to find out later that we were mistaken.

Sometimes we need to step back and slow down like an artist who takes a step back to take in the full picture before painting the details again. I remember being at an event in 2013 it was called 'Leaders on our level' and someone asked Father Peter McVerry who battles against homelessness in Dublin, what should you do if you see a homeless person on the street? His response has always stuck with me, he said; "before anything else, recognize them as human, don't pretend you can't see them, just recognize them."

Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances. ~Wayne Dyer

When I went to see my grandmother, it did not matter what job I had, how much money I earned, what car I drove. I never felt my grandmother’s judgment, I could be myself around her, take off the mask, be vulnerable, and connect on a deeper level. When was the last time you judged someone to later find out you were wrong about them? Have you been quick to write someone off? What are you losing out by doing so?

Conscious Listening

I was interviewing somebody recently and I only had a few minutes to ask a couple of questions. I had written down some of the questions that I wanted to ask throughout. After the interview, I realized, I had not been actively listening to their response because I was so focused on the next question I wanted to ask. This is often the case when we speak to someone, your phone vibrates, something distracts you from the corner of your eye, you are thinking about how you will respond. Never truly listening to what the other person is saying. But have you ever been around someone who was actively listening? Can you remember how that made you feel? Did it make you feel special, did it make you feel seen?

I would say the greatest lesson I have learned from the show is every single person is looking for the same thing. Everyone wants to be heard and recognised. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? ~Oprah Winfrey

Kindness comes in many forms and in many ways and every person will process kindness to them in a different way.

But my point is this, no act of kindness is too small. Whether it is a smile to a stranger, good morning to your neighbour or just listening to a friend, what appears to be a small and trivial thing can mean a lot to someone else. Try and be present when you are with people, listen to what they are saying let them know you hear them, withhold judgment. I always got the sense that my grandmother felt like she wanted to give me more, she would say "I'm old, I can't give you anything" etc but she gave me everything by just being there. It's fascinating that some of our biggest lessons are from people who never intended to teach us anything. Present, loving, and compassionate.

I hope this inspires you do spread more kindness in the world however big or small that might be, a simple message to a friend, a smile to a neighbour, a genuine how are you to the person in the shop. Small stones make big waves, pay it forward, and watch how it comes back to you.

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What random act of kindness are you going to do today?

Conor Hyland

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