One of These Days ...

When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom by myself, often listening to music and playing double solitaire, a game very difficult to win.

I would put a CD in my CD player and play double solitaire over and over and over, tying a wish -- a crush returning my affection, a celebrity I wanted to meet -- to each game. If I won the game, I would get the wish ... at least that's what I told myself.

In hindsight, those were some of the most precious moments of my high school years.

Just me and music.

I often chose songs that would hit a nerve. Bringing pain to the surface so I could comfort myself. I actually came to notice during my relationship with alcohol that I stopped listening to music because bringing the pain to the surface had become something I wanted to avoid. By avoiding the pain, I actually atrophied my ability to comfort myself.

Now, I would never call myself a country music fan, but I did have a few country artists I listened to in high school and college - Tim McGraw was one of them.

On his album, Everywhere, is a song called, "One of These Days."

The song's three verses tell three separate stories.

The first is about a boy the protagonist bullies to the point of running away from home.

Used to chase that boy home from school

We called him freckled faced red headed fool

He was different he wasn't cool like me

Sticks and stones didn't break any bones

Bet we never left well enough alone

And one day he ran away from home you see

And I passed him as he walked away

And in his eyes I heard him say

One of these days you're gonna love me

You'll sit down by yourself and think

About the times you pushed and shoved me

And what good friends we might've been

And then you're gonna sigh a little

Maybe even cry a little but

One of these days you're gonna love me

In the second story, the protagonist courts a high school girl into sleeping with him only to stand her up.

Patty Sue was a small town beauty

I took one look at her and had to pull her to me

Lord knows she should've seen right through me

When I promised her the world

But at seventeen, you only want one thing

I left her standin' with my high school ring

Innocent tears in the pourin' rain

As I walked away

And I still see her in my dreams

And to this day she's whispering

One of these days you're gonna love me

You'll sit down by yourself and think

About the time you turned from me

And what good friends we might've been

And then you're gonna sigh a little

Maybe even cry a little but

One of these days you're gonna love me

Then, in the song's final verse, the protagonist has a reckoning.

Now everybody stands up

The congregation sings

It's a song of sweet forgiveness

And as the chorus rings

The wind blows clear my memory

The pages start to turn

Then suddenly I'm singin'

The moment that I learn

One of these days I'm gonna love me

And feel the joy of sweet release

One of these days, I'll rise above me

And at last I'll find some peace

Then I'm gonna smile a little

Maybe even laugh a little but

One of these days I'm gonna love me

I would play the song on repeat.

Crying with every single verse.

In those days, all I could see was myself as the bullied, the abandoned, and the ashamed. I could relate to not being loved and not loving myself.

Today, I can also see how I was the bully and the abandoner. I can see how the pain I've had inside has resulted in pain I've inflicted on others.

That's how it is, right? We have pain inside that we turn around on others. The things we judge about others are the things we hate most about ourselves ... we just can't see it.

It's called our shadow.

The traits in ourselves we pretend don't exist, but when we we see them in others, we pounce. We judge. We ridicule. We attack.

We drink.

We drink to soften the reality of those parts we hate.

To soften the shame.

Removing the drink isn't easy. It's really painful, in fact.

But when it's removed?

You can get to that place of self love.

One of these days I'm gonna love me

And feel the joy of sweet release

One of these days, I'll rise above me

And at last I'll find some peace

Then I'm gonna smile a little

Maybe even laugh a little but

One of these days I'm gonna love me

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own, please reach out for help.