Poetic Conversations’ With The Spirits

A significant number of people lack the knowledge on how to manage the upsetting emotions that surface following the demise of loved ones, rendering discussions about death a demanding subject. Academics have proposed that as the world progresses, the contemporary generation may be deliberately evading the topic of death or that society is cultivating a comforting practice to encompass the trepidation and turmoil linked with death and the dying process.

Other theorists hypothesized that grief follows a path of stages or phases. Kübler-Ross proposed a model based on the 'anticipatory grief' of palliative patients (Kübler-Ross, 2009) that transformed into five stages of grief: shock and denial; anger, resentment and guilt; bargaining; depression; and acceptance. These indicators soon became associated with bereavement and were considered relevant to other forms of change as well.

The fear of the unknown, coupled with medicalized approaches that relegate illness and death behind closed doors, has also contributed to the difficulty many face when dealing with loss. During the 'loss orientation' phase, grief and emotional concerns are tackled, while the 'restoration orientation' focuses on specific problems and the practical matter of establishing new routines.

Individuals may have taken solace in 'stage models' of grief, finding comfort in the belief that bereavement was a common journey toward a 'final' phase and resolution. However, the reality is that grief does not follow a predictable or rigid path. Suggesting patterns of 'normal' behavior fails to account for the complicated process of each individual's bereavement, which is influenced by their unique physical, psychological, social, and spiritual needs.

The cultural realities discussed above and the critiques on model-based theories of grief mean that the process of dealing with loss necessitates a personal search for meaning, which involves both internal and external dialogue. However, this process must be undertaken within a society that stigmatizes death and is uncomfortable with such a conversation.

See, the concept of death evokes intense fear and sorrow in people, enveloping them in overwhelming grief and despair. Death is an inevitable part of life, and everyone will have to confront it at some point. When faced with death, numerous questions about its nature and ultimate truths emerge, leaving us in a state of bewilderment and uncertainty.

There is an innate curiosity to unravel the enigmatic mysteries shrouding death, and throughout history, a wealth of information and speculation has been circulated on the subject. Much of this knowledge comes from oral traditions and folklore, yet these accounts are often products of human imagination and speculation rather than concrete understanding.

My uncle's death was the catalyst for launching my previous book, Sorrowful Wharf. During the decades of presenting my work around the world, I was most interested in igniting and inspiring courageous presence and shaping a dramatically different relationship with our sorrow, suffering, and grief.

Grief is usually studied by psychiatrists and psychologists who see it as an emotion located within the physical body. But social structure and culture profoundly influenced grief—not only its behavioral expression but as well.

Too many people cling, and when we cling to negative thoughts and painful emotions, our bodies respond accordingly. The physical effects of these emotions can be profound and detrimental to our overall well-being. For instance, grief and sadness can manifest as a heaviness in the chest, a lump in the throat, or a knot in the stomach. They can drain our energy, weaken our immune system, and even disrupt our sleep patterns.

On the other hand, when we focus on the subtle feelings of joy, gratitude, excitement, adventure, love, and peace that arise from our essence, our bodies respond in a completely different manner. These positive emotions have the power to uplift and nourish us on a physical level. They can create a sense of lightness, warmth, and openness in our bodies. They can boost our energy levels, strengthen our immune system, and improve our overall health.

By consciously shifting our attention from negative thoughts and painful emotions to the positive feelings that stem from our essence, we can experience a profound transformation in our lives. We can cultivate a state of well-being that radiates from within and permeates every aspect of our existence. This shift in focus allows us to tap into the limitless potential for joy, love, and peace that resides within us.

It is important to note that this transformation doesn't mean we deny or suppress our negative emotions. Instead, it involves acknowledging and processing them, but not allowing them to define our entire experience. By giving equal importance to the positive feelings and consciously choosing to dwell on them, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

In essence, our lives can be transformed when we consciously choose to shift our focus from the ego's attachment to negative thoughts and emotions to the subtle and uplifting experiences that arise from our essence. By embracing and nurturing these positive feelings, we can open ourselves up to a world of joy, gratitude, excitement, adventure, love, and peace that transcends the inherent challenges of life.

From a Buddhist perspective, how do we handle grief when a dear one has died?

When we experience the loss of a loved one, the emotions of sadness and grief can have profound physical effects on our bodies. As we navigate through our own grief, it is important to remember that the person who has passed away is embarking on a new journey, one that may be filled with unfamiliar and bewildering experiences.

While our lives continue in a relatively normal manner, they are facing significant changes. Shifting our focus from our own sadness to the well-being of the departed can bring a sense of solace and help us work through our grief more effectively.

Engaging in spiritual practices or making offerings on behalf of the deceased allows us to maintain a connection with them, albeit in a different way. By dedicating the positive energy generated from these practices and offerings, we aspire for them to have a favorable rebirth, encounter the teachings of the Dharma, find highly qualified spiritual teachers, and swiftly attain enlightenment.

It is essential to acknowledge that the grieving process takes time. Even after a significant period has passed, small incidents can trigger waves of sadness and longing for the departed. It may be something as simple as stumbling upon their favorite food in a supermarket, causing tears to well up unexpectedly. These moments serve as reminders of the profound impact the person had on our lives.

While it is important to acknowledge our own grief, it is equally crucial not to allow ourselves to become consumed by it. By redirecting our thoughts and intentions toward the departed, we can cultivate a compassionate and kind-hearted approach. We can sincerely wish them well in whatever realm they may be reborn, fostering a sense of love and goodwill towards them.

In this way, by shifting our emphasis towards the other person and their journey, we not only support them but also find solace in knowing that we are actively contributing to their well-being. By channeling our energy towards their positive outcomes, we can gradually find healing and peace within ourselves, allowing our own grief to transform into a deep sense of love and connection with the departed.

I believe ‘poetic conversations’ with the deceased come up early as we think through ideas and ‘sort’ our thoughts. We do it ‘with’ them – not by ourselves – because we are only beginning the lone journey – and we are checking in with them – testing our feelings about them first before we share with others and, as the theorists posit, creating new relationships with them. —Charmaine SMIT, 2015        

The pain from witnessing a fading life, the shock of an unexpected death, comprehending finality, and reflecting on life's meanings and contributions can linger for months, years, and occasionally forever. However, this distress may remain troublesome until it is truly felt, reflected upon, and made sense of. As the text has come to realize, writing can offer a way to do so.

Writing in the face of loss is not a novel concept: the field of writing therapy thrives and offers solace, and extensive research now demonstrates that writing is a powerful means of healing and personal transformation. Studies show that the healing combination of writing entails the expression of both facts and emotions.

The foundation of writing creatively, expressively, and reflectively to aid the grieving process is the belief that in order to survive and thrive after loss, individuals must personally make meaning of what they have suffered.

Writing can offer a secure and personal avenue to commence the work that aims to: 'reconstruct a world that has been challenged by loss, at every level from the simple habit structures of our daily lives, through our identities in a social world, to our personal and collective cosmologies, whether secular or spiritual.

Grief has led me to search for meaning, to articulate my emotions and perceptions metaphorically, and to revisit my relationship in 'poetic conversations' and from a distanced perspective in order to reimagine how it must now be. Writing has provided me with the means to weep and to contemplate.

Though I have been broken by loss, I can be restored and made whole again. The missing pieces will be filled with the love and compassion of those closest to me.