The Power of Listening

Today is a new day. May we all take a moment to pause take a deep breath and move forward with the knowledge that this moment is all we have. 

I wrote last week about questions and answers. How I had more questions about what was happening in our country than I did answers. I wrote that I wanted to spend the week listening. Listening to friends, listening to strangers, listening to myself. 

And so I did. 

I listened to my friend tell me about the guy who cuts his hair and how angry he was that so few people understood his experience of being a young black man in the United States of America. My friend was shocked at what was simmering underneath the man he thought he knew so well. I listened to another friend whisper about the loneliness, the anxiety and the pressure of her experience as the provider/caretaker for a big extended family. I had no idea. I listened to another talk quietly about how hard it is to grow old in a society that only seems to value youth. I listened to another rail about the state of our politics and scream about the lack of leaders and leadership and everyone’s apathy. 

I listened.

I listened when a well-known actress stepped forward and out of pain and exasperation said she was fed up. Fed up and exhausted with her body being shamed and her womanhood being questioned because she wasn’t a mother. I listened when my daughter Katherine shared what she’d listened to on her Road to Real tour: How hard the average American’s daily life is. I listened to our President when he spoke in Dallas…he challenged us to open our hearts and think less about which side of the debate we are on and more about how we can unite the sides. 

[From Sorrow to Triumph: Making Every Moment of Life Sacred]

I listened. And I’m not even sharing the half of what I heard. If I did, it would take you until next Sunday to finish this column.

Everywhere I look we are inundated with news and information about how terrible everything is. We are segregated and divided: By language, by color, by gender, by politics, by zip codes, by technology, by media, by income levels, by age. And yet simultaneously, we are all seeking connection, all seeking some common experience. An experience where we can hear another person say “I hear you.” “I understand.” Or, “Me too.” “You are not alone.” 

I’ve learned this myself while listening when I’m mothering, when I’m reporting, when I’m working with women and with families struggling with Alzheimer’s. When I’ve listened long enough to any of the people I’ve met, or a person I’ve loved, I’ve always found commonality. I’ve always come away thinking ‘We have so much more in common than we think we do. If only we could let down our facades and share our truths.’

In my week of listening, I also listened to myself and I shared what I heard. It’s something I don’t often do.

I shared that I too, often felt disconnected, scared or anxious. That I too, often felt alone in my life experience. I fully understand that my life experience is nothing like the young black man who cuts my friend’s hair — nor any black person’s life experience for that matter. I want and need to do better at understanding that deep divide. I understand that my life experience is nothing like a white man’s or a Latino person’s or a transgender person’s. I need and want to do better understanding what that’s really like.

In fact, my life experience is unlike anyone else’s. And guess what? So is yours!

[Whose Mind Is It Anyway? How to Get Out Of Your Head and Into Your Life]

But what we all share, I believe, is a desire to be understood, to be seen, to matter, to belong. As ourselves, not as our race, or who we may be married to, or what family, religion or group we belong to. We all share a common experience in our humanity. We all fundamentally want someone to listen to us. Listen deeply to who we really are, what we feel, what we are scared of.

I know it’s hard to pause in our daily lives. It’s hard to be quiet and hard to listen. It’s hard to take in other people’s pain, frustration, anger and loneliness without internalizing, feeling attacked or letting our judgements get the best of us. But when you do listen deeply, you realize while our experiences are vastly different, our hearts and desires are not.

At this time, at this moment, I believe we all want leaders who bring us together. Not just with words, but with experiences and actions. We want leaders to listen. To be brave enough to share back so we can get a glimpse into their own humanity, into their own struggles and fears. That’s the beginning of connection, of trust.

[Fixing Broken Family Relationships Can Bring You Healing & Peace]

At this time in our country and our world, what we want and need are leaders to ask us to put our own individual greatness to use. Because we all have greatness within us. What is needed, is for each of us to step forward and offer our own best selves to the world. In our homes, in our schools, in our communities.

These next two weeks of political conventions will challenge many of us. Many will want to scream, protest, judge, even espouse hate.

Let us imagine another way. Imagine if we made a commitment to listen with open minds and open hearts to find the common thread. Imagine. We just might begin to hear some answers. And they might not come from a podium or out of the computer. They might just be right inside of you. Listen.