Raising Mentally Strong Kids: The Path to Confidence and Resilience

Brain-healthy and mentally strong kids grow up to be confident and resilient. They overcome failure, adapt to life’s different phases, build meaningful relationships, and discover their purpose. As someone who’s both close to kids and has been growing teams, I can say with certainty that instilling responsibility and ownership early on sets the foundation for lifelong success.

I have been reading the book - Raising Mentally Strong Kids, by Daniel G. Amen, M.D. and Charles Fay Love and Logic Institute . It is a gold mine for anyone involved in shaping young minds. Whether you're a parent, educator, or leader managing teams, understanding how to nurture responsibility is key.

In this article, I will talk about how you can grow people to be responsible, and how you teach them the value of ownership. In the first half, I will explain it more generic approach. Helpful for parents, and anyone handling kids or people in general. The second half is for founding members, and startup leaders scaling their teams.

Let's define a Responsible Kid

A responsible kid is someone who does what they are supposed to do. Like cleaning up their toys, helping others, and following the rules. They take care of things, make good choices, and can be trusted to finish tasks. Like brushing their teeth or sharing with friends. It doesn't mean they won't mess it up. They will certainly mess it up at times. But they can own it. And pick themselves together after they mess up. This compounds greatly, kids breaking toys will start fixing in a few days/weeks. Eventually, maybe design an intergalactic spaceship. Being responsible means doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.

This sounds like the dream kids. Everyone loves them. But a lot of kids don't end up being responsible. They need frequent help with everything they do, they need parents to clear their mess, and they keep making the same mistakes. What is wrong? Why don't they become responsible?

Why?

The simple answer, we aren't giving them tools to become responsible. Let me explain.

Tools to become responsible

• To become responsible, They need to have freedom. Freedom of making choices, Freedom of failing.
• To become responsible, They need to own their actions (and decisions). They need to own & live with the consequences.
• Freedom needs to come with rules & boundaries. That you would want to keep losing with the growth.
• They need to be loved and cared for.
• When the line between - good and bad is blurry, you need to encourage them and celebrate them when they do well.

Are we practising it enough?

I am pasting a questionnaire from the book. And if your answer to any of the questions is a Yes, you are not. You need to pick up your game -

• Do you routinely do your kid's Homework or solve their problems?
• Do you give detailed instructions to your kid for just about anything?
• Do you plan their day or school presentation?
• Are you scared to let them make mistakes and live with consequences?
• Do you make threats that you can't back up?
• Do you allow them to do whatever they want?

This is a condensed version of the questionnaire. Based on the answers to these, you can be in one of the 4 parenting buckets -

Helicopter Parents (Loving and Permissive)

They don't set limits. Give anything their kids want. They try to rescue their child from every situation. Very understandable, as they want to protect their kids. Make their life smooth. But sadly, This doesn't help in the long term. Children raised like this, end up being over-reliant, they don't develop self-confidence, are depressed and are incapable of making decisions.

Drill Sergeants (Hostile and Firm)

These parents are on the other extreme side of parenting. They want complete control. They are like the Sergeants in forces (army). They want their troops (kids) to follow the order and only follow the order. They are very rigid. Not that they don't love their kids. They do. They are very protective and caring. And this often leads them to guilt-tripping and trying to rescue kids. They often raise fearful children. This style leads to raising oppositional kids, contributing to kids choosing opposite beliefs - just to gain control.

Uninvolved (Hostile and Permissive)

Simply put this is the worst possible style of parenting. Do whatever you want, and take whatever you need. This is how they do parenting. Parents need to present, involved, and caring. Children need us. Fortunately, due to our evolution and love for children developed over thousands of years, we don't see many with this style.

Consultants (Loving and Firm)

This is the sweet spot. They love and care. They respect their kids and expect the same in return. They set rules but are always kind. Authors define them as - Firm and Kind. They provide their child with all the tools to become responsible.

When you want to exercise freedom and you are okay for your child to live with consequences, it is important to know, and note what are those affordable consequences. The book provides some. E.g. - Refusing to eat what is served and feeling hungry later. I will provide all here. I urge you to think of similar affordable consequences and start practising this.

For Startup Leaders: How Responsibility Translates to Team Success

For a startup to succeed, you need to make fast iterations, you need fast decisions, yet thoughtful ones. People who can own these decisions and actions are the ones who excel at their jobs in this kind of culture. Reed Hastings has written extensively about - Freedom and Responsibility in his book No Rules Rules.

But here’s the catch - You won't always find the perfect fit. Even when you find them, You have to give them "tools to become responsible" to become responsible. You shouldn't micromanage if you want them to be owners or leaders. You should trust them, and respect them, even when they fail. But they should own up the failure.

All of this starts with honest conversation, having a goal, and a plan for it.

Note: While on-job plans are more clearer and structured, parents', and kid's needs are different. Comment if you like to know more. And I will share the goal setting for parents and kids here later.