Refined clarity within the chaos: Life Lessons throughout Maternity Leave, Growth, and re-learning your true priorities

Today makes 2 weeks into my 12 weeks of maternity leave. And boy... has it been a wake up call to my true productivity and priorities.        

As I sit here and hold my daughter, I can't help but to reflect on a rather candid conversation I had with my husband, Chris, about working harder in my career to eventually get back time with my daughter. I had just returned to work after spending three weeks at home with her. We could only afford for me to be at home that long - things we worse than tight. At the time, my current employer didn't have any maternity policy and I wasn't eligible for FMLA due to being fairly new. It was a whirlwind time. I spent my lunch breaks crying in the bathroom, and my afternoons crying myself to sleep. I felt guilty about going to work to keep my house afloat, yet I would feel guilty if I left my role at work to care for Eloise since my income mattered just as much. Postpartum depression set in, and to be completely honest if it wasn't for having a spouse who happened to be so in tune with me and my emotions, I don't know if I would have survived that time period. #Mentalhealth wasn't talked about as much, and I felt like I had to put on a strong face all of the time.

It’s a catch-22, isn’t it? You spend all of your twenties and thirties - heck, maybe even longer than that, devoted to your career to be able to have some semblance of a slowdown - whether that be retirement, going part-time, or becoming a stay-at-home parent. It seems like a long way off right? Well.. time flies when you’re having fun, friends.

I’ll admit it: these days with Grayson look so different than my normal 9 to 5 routine, but the weeks, I’m learning, are flying by… and soon enough my return to the office will have snuck up on me. 2018 felt like it was going to suffocate me, as I tried to navigate being a new parent and a working mom. I'll admit, I walked into this much more prepared. Eloise doesn't know this, but we learned so much together.

I’ve also learned to appreciate the full-time, stay-at-home mama. As a working mama myself, I often found myself juggling the emotions of being away from Eloise (my firstborn) - and those emotions have come back in full force as I navigate this new normal. Even with the excitement and support, I find myself tearing up when I talk about going back. Becoming a mama to two brings about a lot of emotions and it has proven especially hard to pinpoint these feelings, but I have come to the conclusion that more than anything I’m torn.

I’m so fortunate to have a hands-on husband, who has been by my side this entire time (thanks to paid paternity leave offered by the federal government!) - who acts as the yin to my yang. We tackle everything together. Having Chris (my husband), coupled with my work family at the Navy Exchange Service Command and supportive friends and family at home (cue taking a ton of deep breaths) have made this transition so smooth (especially with how unexpected and sudden my departure was, no matter how much we THOUGHT we prepared).

Even though it’s early, I have begun to reflect on my time away, what I have learned on maternity leave so far, and how I could apply these lessons to work, and life, as a mom.

Here is my running list of top lessons that I have learned so far:        

1. Life doesn’t end when you become a parent (or even a parent of two).

Seriously. One of the biggest fears I had going into this, prior to having Grayson, was that I was going to fall into the trap of being stuck in my own thoughts or become a prisoner of my home. COVID-19 and RSV season is upon us, and being in a “hot spot” area, I am always being a little extra vigilant. So, my husband and I made a pact to try to get out at least once a day (even if just for a drive towards the ocean) during the first month while we were both at home. No excuses. So far, our “adventures” have been to Walgreens, the grocery store, and taking Eloise for Ice Cream at #DairyQueen (the real story that is there is a four-year-old eating a hot fudge sundae WITH extra chocolate and extra sprinkles in the backseat and not making a mess…..!) and walking a thrift store or two. Believe it or not… it is REALLY hard to pack up two children and just go for a drive, but making it a task to check off keeps us busy.

Then there was my own personal goal of keeping my house clean, and staying on top of laundry, the dishes, sweeping and mopping, making lunches, and still getting Eloise to daycare to stay on top of her routine. Try to do THAT without breaking down from lack of sleep and recovering from major surgery.

 And on the weekends, Chris and I hung out with friends (kids in tow), and even made it camping, and to our annual Carters Mountain trip so far. So our lives haven’t ended, we’re not prisoners to our house, and we are learning to be a family of four - slowly.

The lesson in the chaos: Set small goals, and be proud of yourself. There will be a new normal you learn to enjoy - you just have to learn it.

 2. The plans you make, and the goals you set may not get done. Learn to be okay with it.

Newsflash, the baby (especially a newborn baby!) is your new CEO, and you have become the glorified executive assistant. For my little family, getting into a routine and getting Grayson on a schedule is paramount - so guess what: if you had the plan to get something done, and it’s not on that schedule, it’s probably not going to get done in the time frame you planned, or it may not get done at all. LEARN TO BE OKAY WITH THAT. When I first began my maternity leave, I created a list of things I wanted to get done while I was home. Let’s just say that very few of those items are getting checked off - and may not get checked off because I’m learning that they aren’t really the priority level I thought they were. The old saying “sleep when the baby sleeps” rings true in my house, especially when feedings are every two to three hours.

The lesson in the chaos:  When you become a parent, there is no higher priority than your child.

3. Newsflash: You're not as 'important' as you think you are.

I'll admit it: when taking time off, whether it is for a long weekend, a vacation, or even just a sick day - I'm the first to panic about using my leave. Just a few thoughts that run through my head: "What if someone doesn’t get the answer they need – or worse, gets the wrong answer?”, or “No one will be able to do it as well as I do!". There's even the permanent scarring from worrying that my leadership will think ill of me leaving to go to the doctor, or taking a personal day, from being in roles where that was the stigma. Crazy right? And that is still a stigma in a lot of places! Not here, and I am often reminded of that by my team.

Having my daughter has been a huge reality check. The work is still getting done, the questions are still getting answered, my team reminds me weekly that they miss me (and they have no idea what that does for my self-esteem!), and even other leadership have reached out to remind me that they can't wait until I'm back, but they are so glad I'm soaking up this time with Grayson and Eloise. Talk about culture - the great kind. It's a reminder too, that someone will do it as well as I did, just maybe in a different way than I would have done it, or with a differing approach.

The truth is, we take a lot of pride in what we do, and work gives us value and makes us feel important. While that is a great thing, it should not be a piece of your identity or skew what reality really is - and that is that there must be a balance between work and your home life. And companies talk a lot about #worklifebalance and boast about how they offer it, but when it comes time to act, they often don't.

Even trying to keep this in mind, it was hard for me to let go at the beginning. As I was being prepped for surgery at the hospital, I was forwarding text messages from candidates to my team. I checked my inbox (Before I get myself in trouble: No, I didn’t respond!) a couple of times a week right after she was born, but the further into my maternity leave I got, the easier it was for me to let go. And guess what? The work got done and questions got answered. The nice thing was that I knew I was missed. I’m fortunate to work on a team where I was able to leave my work behind, but knew that they were excited for me to come back.

The lesson in the chaos: You’re not as important as you think you are, BUT you are still important to your team.

4. You are stronger than you think you are.

Hey, friend, I mean that. Whether it’s personally or professionally, just when you think you’ve hit your limit, don't give up! This is not a race to the finish line. Everyone gets there eventually - and quality is much better than quantity. Having a newborn, this was something I learned really quickly. She gives me strength and courage I never thought possible.  Nothing (not even that this was my second time doing this!) can prepare you to deal with the constant crying, rocking, spit-up, diaper changes, lack of sleep, sibling jealousy, etc. on the least amount of sleep you’ve ever had while also nursing yourself back to help from major abdominal surgery (for the second time). And I’m not going to lie, it’s exhausting. There were times when I thought I just couldn't go any further, but I always found that extra strength, usually just by looking into her eyes, to go the extra mile for her and Eloise.

And I have no doubt that this strength will permeate into my work life. Most days I will probably be more tired than I was pre-baby, especially juggling two children. There will probably be times when I will feel I can’t do it all; feel like I’m not being a good mom when I’m focused on work or not being a good team member when I’m focused on my daughter.  No matter what, I’ll get through it because I am stronger than I think - and you are too.

The lesson in the chaos: Just when you think you’ve hit your limit, you’ll find that extra strength to push through.

5. Repeat after me: I AM NOT AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP.

The saying “It takes a village” is absolutely true. When I went on maternity leave, I was fortunate enough to be offered help by family members. My best friend legitimately camped out on our sectional with Chris and I the second night we were home from the hospital, and helped with setting up a bottle changing station, feedings, cleaning the house, etc. - since I couldn't make it up the stairs to her nursery or to my bedroom. I don't know what I would have done without her. The rest of our friends made me take them up on offers for bringing food, help with cleaning and watching Eloise, or just allowing them to be an ear or an extra hand during the day. After a week or so, I told myself that I needed to prove I could do it on my own. I quickly realized that I could (something I shouldn’t have doubted in the first place) and having an extra set of hands didn’t mean I couldn’t. It just meant that more laundry would get done!

The lesson in the chaos: Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness – In fact, I now see it as a strength. Know when you need support (or when support would be helpful) and don’t be afraid to ask for or accept it!

6. When it all goes to hell, pick up the pieces and move on: you’ll thank yourself later.

I remember feeling this existential dread when going in on a routine office visit on a normal Tuesday - and the doctor saying to me: “get to the hospital, we need you to deliver this baby today.” They were concerned that even just a few more hours and my daughter would face stillbirth. That was a lot to process because MY plan was to go to my appointment and head back to work - I had a ton of things I needed to get done, calls to make to candidates, offers to tie up, and even wrap up meetings with district managers to ensure we’re established ahead of my scheduled maternity leave (which was coming in just a few weeks). That didn’t happen, and guess what? With my team's help, the world didn’t stop turning. We took care of our clients, and the work still got done.

The lesson in the chaos: My grandma used to tell me “Honey, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him you have plans.” As a perfectionist, and someone who never feels that the work they put out is good enough or “ready” - this has always been a lesson I have trouble with. As it turns out, my grandma was right. Go figure.

So sweet friends, I don’t know what the answer is going to be as we navigate my feelings about the next ten weeks. But what I do know, is I’m so grateful to work for an organization that gave me the choice to soak up the time with my family. I pray you have the same where you are, or that you will someday. If you don't, or you have any questions about establishing boundaries and work-life balance, I'm here for you. Inbox me anytime - and though I might be slow responding (I have the cutest newborn to snuggle right now!), just know that I will and that I'll be here for you too.