Shattered Dreams: The Painful Journey of Parenting After a Child's Suicide or Serious Self-Injury

Readers need to be aware that this article may contain content that could be distressing or triggering for some individuals. Reader discretion is advised, and those sensitive to these topics are encouraged to approach the article cautiously or seek additional support if needed.

 The article arises from the author's recent involvement with families facing such difficult situations. By sharing their experiences and insights, the author can help to raise awareness and promote understanding of these complex issues.

When a child harms her/himself

When a child inflicts severe self-injury or dies by suicide, the world comes crashing down on parents. The future they imagined for their child and family is shattered, leaving them to pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams and navigate a new and painful reality.

Parents struggle to understand what has happened and why their child would take their own life or harm themselves severely. They may feel a range of emotions, from profound grief and sadness to anger, guilt, and confusion. The pain of losing a child to suicide or watching them struggle with self-injury can be all-consuming, leaving parents feeling helpless and alone.

In addition to the emotional turmoil, parents must also deal with the practical aftermath of their child's suicide or self-injury. There may be funeral arrangements, medical bills, and legal matters. These tasks are overwhelming, especially for parents struggling to cope with grief and trauma.

Unanswerable questions

How is it possible that most parents report being unaware and utterly surprised after the injury or death of their children? Could the parents be oblivious to their child's extreme pain?

Further, in the aftermath of such a difficult or traumatic event, it is common for individuals to struggle with unanswerable questions or feelings of uncertainty. Some examples of unanswerable questions that may arise include why this happened, what could I have done differently, could I have prevented this from happening, or will things ever return to how they were again?

These types of questions can be distressing and may contribute to feelings of guilt, shame, or helplessness. While it is natural to want answers or closure after such a complex event, it is important to recognise that some questions may not have answers or may be impossible to understand fully.

Optimism bias

It is not uncommon for some parents to believe that their child is immune to certain risks or dangers, even when clear warning signs or "red flags” exist. This type of thinking is often called "optimism bias" and can lead to complacency and a lack of vigilance. Optimism bias is a natural and common human tendency that can be helpful in many situations. For example, it can help to motivate people to pursue their goals and to take risks in pursuit of success. However, optimism bias can also lead people to ignore warning signs or downplay a situation's severity, increasing the risk of negative outcomes.

Parents who believe their child is invulnerable to certain risks may fail to recognise the warning signs or may downplay the severity of a situation. This state of affairs fails to take appropriate action to protect their child or to seek help when needed.

Parents must recognise that all children are vulnerable to risks and that no child is immune to harm. By staying informed and aware of potential risks and taking proactive steps to protect their child, parents can help reduce the likelihood of such harm or eventuality.

Placing the blame

It is common for parents to blame themselves when their child is injured or harmed in some way. This type of self-blame is a natural reaction and is often a sign of a parent's deep love and concern for their child. Parents must remember that they are not always responsible for every negative outcome their child experiences.

Beyond self-blame, parents may also experience stigma and judgment from others in their community or society. This can be especially true in cases where the child's injury or harm is perceived as the result of neglect or failure on the part of the parent. While it is understandable that society may hold certain expectations and standards for parenting, others need to approach parents with compassion and understanding. Rather than blaming or judging, offering support and sensitivity to help parents navigate their challenges and provide the best possible care for their child is often more helpful.

Often after that, parents experiencing self-blame or stigma may find it helpful to seek out support to help them work through their feelings and connect with others who may be going through similar experiences. Parents can better cope with parenting challenges by proactively addressing them and providing their child with a supportive and nurturing environment.

Feeling disembodied 

As they navigate this new and painful reality, parents also find that their relationships with others are strained. Friends and family members may not know what to say or how to help, leaving affected parents feeling isolated and unsupported. They may also face judgment or stigma from others who don't understand the complexities of suicide and self-injury.

Despite their challenges, parents must find a way to move forward and rebuild their lives after their child's suicide or self-injury. Finding a way may involve seeking professional help or joining a support group to connect with others who have gone through a similar experience. 

The silent yet perennial scream goes unheard, as those suffering often bear their pain in silence, invisible to the world around them.