Should You Make New Year’s Resolutions?

As we’re heading into the New Year 2025, I’m thinking again about resolutions. I’ve written before about why resolutions tend to set us up for failure, suggesting instead focusing on our strengths and successes from the previous year, looking back with gratitude, or moving ahead with intention.

As I was thinking about the topic this year, it occurred to me why I believe resolutions are ineffective.

Resolutions are “shoulds” in disguise

We usually think of resolutions as goals for the coming year, but I believe they’re actually “should” statements in different clothing:

• “I’m going to exercise more this year” seems emotionally identical to “I should exercise more” to me. (Back when I was making resolutions, that was my main resolution every year.)
• “I will eat a healthier diet this year” may be hiding “I should lose weight.”
• “I resolve to save money this year” is likely to be a nicer way of telling myself “I shouldn’t spend so much.”

“Should” is a perfectly good word in many situations, but when we apply it to ourselves (or to others, especially our children), it usually serves a toxic purpose.

Its dictionary definition is to “express obligation, propriety, or expediency,” but with respect to behavior, it’s virtually always critical and demanding. It conveys a sense of duty, often to a moral imperative or a cultural expectation. It suggests that there is only one correct way to act and that being good requires compliance with some external order.

The fact that the benchmark is external is important: “should” is necessarily extrinsic, measuring us against a target outside ourselves. We don’t have to tell ourselves that we should do something we love or enjoy. The motivation for doing those things is within us, it’s intrinsic, and we don’t have to coerce ourselves into them. When we tell ourselves we should do something, we’re usually attempting to spur ourselves to an action that will earn others’ approval.

“Should” demands that we obey rules that were often laid down for us in childhood, either by our parents, teachers, or religious leaders. Much of the time, those rules are outside our conscious awareness or, if we’re aware of them, we take them as self-evident.

While it may be self-evident that, for example, exercising more is likely to be good for my health, saying, “I should exercise more” goes beyond a suggestion for something positive. It’s inherently critical and shaming, as if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me if I don’t exercise. I understand that as roughly equivalent to, “Good people exercise and, if I don’t, I’m not really a good person.” Good people don’t have to be told what they should do.

Other times, the rule we’re trying to live up to isn’t self-evident or even positive. Back when I was a total workaholic I was trying to meet an impossible expectation set by my father – “If someone pays you to work an hour, work two” – and it never occurred to me that was completely irrational and unhealthy.

Rules like that make it seem like there’s only one correct way to live, one right way to be, and that just isn’t true. We are each unique and have a right to live our lives as we see fit in order to become the best version of ourselves we can.

We probably all recognize that trying to motivate ourselves (or others) with criticism, shame, external rewards, or a sense of duty to some unstated rule is, in most cases, ineffective. “Should” is, by its nature, disempowering.

“Shoulds” always conceal ambivalence

Whenever we say we should do something, there’s an implicit ambivalence in there. For me, saying, “I should…” is only half a sentence, with the ending almost always being, “…but I don’t want to.”

I am forever trying to motivate myself to exercise, even if just for a few minutes a day. When I used to put that into a resolution, it went something like this:

“I resolve to exercise at least 15 minutes a day this year,” which really means, “I should exercise 15 minutes a day, but I really don’t want to.”

One of the best ways to allow our ambivalence to sabotage our efforts is by hiding the negative side of the statement. When we leave the “but I don’t want to” unspoken (or even unthought), it can undermine our plans outside of our awareness. I suspect New Year’s resolutions would be more successful if we included our ambivalence in them – “I resolve to exercise at least 15 minutes a day this year, although I don’t really want to” – but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Focus on your ambivalence and decide what you really want

Resolutions may reflect something we really want – I mean, I want to exercise, or at least part of me does.

When we ask ourselves if we really want to do what we’re resolving or if there’s a part of us that doesn’t want to do it at all, we create an opportunity for an empowering decision.

If I could say, “I want to exercise more” with no ifs, ands, or buts, then I probably wouldn’t need a resolution to do it. I may need to explore what’s stopped me from doing it, like time or financial constraints, but that’s different from overcoming my own internal resistance.

When I say, “Part of me wants to exercise more, but another part doesn’t,” I can look at the two opposing sides within me. For me, it really isn’t that I don’t want to exercise, it’s that I prioritize other things above exercise, such as working, watching videos, or napping. Watching videos and napping are absolutely intrinsically motivating to me; much of the time, working is as well, but it also brings external rewards that motivate me. I enjoy going for walks and I always feel better afterwards, but it doesn’t give me the quick hit of dopamine that other actions do. (I have to admit, too, that thinking that I should do something or act a specific way also evokes my oppositional side. “I should? Says who?”)

Another way to reframe this resolution is by saying, “I could exercise more,” which makes it clear that exercising is an option available to me. It’s something I might choose to do or not. That statement is automatically less critical and more empowering, and it recognizes that there’s more than one right thing to do or correct way to do things.

Sometimes the statement “I should exercise more” is definitely not equivalent to “I want to exercise more.” We “should´ ourselves into actions we don’t want to take and into situations we’d honestly prefer to avoid. In those cases, we might ask ourselves whether it’s worth doing something that we don’t really want to do, solely because we feel that we should.

Uncover the hidden expectations behind each “should”

A powerful way to expose the unstated moral or cultural imperative behind our “shoulds” is to ask ourselves why we should do something.

When we resolve to lose weight, for instance, secretly telling ourselves that we should lose weight, we might ask ourselves why. Although most of us immediately respond with, “Well, it would be healthier,” I know for me the truth is that I still carry fatist bigotry within me and apply those stereotypes to myself: “Being obese means I’m lazy, unattractive, and lack will power.” Why do I really want to lose weight? Because I feel like I’m weak-willed and unappealing as I am. I cannot be good enough if I’m overweight. Even worse, believing that I should exercise just doubles down on my belief that I’m lazy.

Those are all great ways to torment myself, but they aren’t effective at motivating me.

If you’re still tempted to write some New Year’s resolutions, try writing them out as “I want…” or “I could…” or “I choose to…” statements.

Ask yourself if there’s a part of you that isn’t on board with the resolutions and might undermine your efforts if you don’t attend to it.

Consider whether you’re doing something for yourself or hoping to live up to others’ expectations.

And make sure that whatever resolutions you do make feel empowering to you and honoring to your unique self.

Here’s to a Happy New Year!

For more information, see Empower Yourself With No More "Shoulds" from the Psychology Today.

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This piece is not intended as medical or legal advice. Always speak with your medical provider before initiating a diet or exercise regimen or if you have medical questions. If you have legal questions, consult with an attorney.

This article represents my own opinions as a non-physician and does not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer.