A Surprising Name On The Naughty List ...
Are you one of the many that enjoy watching the “Home Alone” movie every year as part of your seasonal preparations? If so, do you remember the short clip of the 1947 holiday classic “Miracle on 34th Street” on the kitchen television screen?
In that Hollywood story, Kris Kringle, also known as Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Santa, but most commonly referred to as Santa Claus, gets summoned before a Chief of Justice to determine whether or not, he is the real Santa Claus. Laying charges against the benighted Maecenas of millions of children across the globe makes for a powerful scene, wouldn’t you agree?
But did it also make you wonder: What if …? How many crimes, transgressions and other offenses Santa might be guilty of, if he were indeed everything he is reputed to be? What about civil liability?
You might ask: Why should I care or why is this important?
Because the questionably supernatural are often legally questionable as well. Are Asterix and Obelix not poaching wild boars and constantly hammering those poor Romans, or are all Avenger heroes exemplary for good behaviour?
Since last Christmas Eve, a special task force under the leadership of Chief Superintendent Jack ‘Black Pete’ Skellington of the Artic Metropolitan Police, members of the ATF (Bureau of Advanced Toys & Firecrackers) and NSA (Agency for Naughtgelic Stuffed Animals) have been investigating whether Santa is ‘Naughty’ or ’Nice’.
And while Father Christmas is universally loved, it would appear that he has gotten somewhat careless over the past few years. Here are some of the numerous base allegations that could be made for his brazenly flaunting several laws and regulations.
Home Invasion
Let us commence with the most obvious: Santa Claus is the Al Capone of home invasion and could get hammered and nailed on enumerated counts of breaking and entering. Grandfather Frost (as some call him) may not be your typical thief, but the intent to swipe a little liquor - shaken not stirred - and a mince pie while inside your house is clearly there.
But doesn’t Santa Claus have our consent to enter the premises, you might ask? Well, would you be comfortable holding up the philanthropic wish list of a child – usually posted up the chimney but these days many are sent by email, WhatsApp or Instagram - in a court of law as proof of the property owner’s implicit consent to enter the premises unannounced at night?
Disturbing The Peace
The thud of Santa landing on your roof, the din of 8 tiny reindeer all snorting and stamping their hooves, and the dissonance all those jingling bells makes you long for the days living next to the school play yard.
Furthermore, the sled this man uses has been estimated to be several hundreds of years old. To endanger such a precious and rare artifact is a clear violation of the 1935 Antiquities Act.
Property Damage
Those shingles weren’t falling off your roof before his 1,000-kilogram sleigh landed with a clonk. And your chimney did not cave in before Nicky squeezed himself down. Did you already try explaining to your insurance company why your solar panels or sunroof need yearly replacement?
And what about the ecological impact of having reindeer poop all over your property?
Animal Cruelty
How about forcing eight tiny captive reindeer to engage in a jaw-dropping feat of globe-trotting labour at supersonic speed? Doesn’t that seem callous and inhumane and would definitively constitute deliberate, premeditated cruelty to an animal, especially as these are the rarest variety known to man — flying reindeer.
On top of that, he violates the laws of physics of course. Speak about his most heinous crime. The hypersonic velocity required for good old Father Christmas would almost certainly result in him bursting into flames as a result of ridiculous air resistance. Although, in all fairness, the atmosphere would rip the reindeer limb from limb and turn Santa and his sleigh into shreds long before instant incineration.
Driving Under Influence
The adults amongst our readers know how he really got that red nose, and it’s not just from the cold. There have been longstanding rumours in the elf community that our one-and-only knocks back a few cocktails of the more ardent type with his chief of staff before take-off.
Even with a superhuman tolerance, imbibing millions of units of intoxicant beverages in less than 24 hours is going to result in some seriously impaired sleigh driving.
Reckless Driving
No one can go 1,040 km per second in a residential area and get away with it. Santa also came dangerously close to being spotted driving Rudolf and hand-painted sleigh down the wrong side of the road in Alice Springs, Australia in ’21.
Violating Aviation Regulations And Airspace
If that little drone of yours needs registration with the aviation authorities, that giant sleigh inarguably ought to be, too. And records also show that no flight plan has ever been filed by a Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, or Santa Claus.
Saint Nick violates virtually every law of modern aviation, from missing the required lighting on his sleigh, to flaunting sovereign and restricted air spaces, including directly over Manneken Pis and the Eiffel Tower, the not-so-secret military installation at Porton Down, and endangered nuclear and coal power plants.
In most countries that would be grounds to have a Dassault Rafale or F-22 Raptor on your tail before you can say Jack Robinson.
Unlawful Surveillance and Privacy Infractions
Santa is engaged in a global surveillance enterprise that makes Britain's GCHQ or the NSA look like a bunch of ham radio enthusiasts. Sure, a great deal of the intelligence is provided by disgruntled and petulant parents for this gargantuan “naughty or nice” list, but knowing exactly when each of the estimated 378 million children under the age of 14 are sleeping — and when they are awake — requires a remarkably intrusive spying operation that makes some Big Brother-government services salivating .
Do not underestimate the old man with glasses—he knows his way around a keyboard and your Wi-Fi network. The sophisticated technology necessary to pull off such intelligence gathering has been hypothesized, but it is not difficult to imagine it running afoul of most privacy laws.
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He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
Intentional Infliction Of Emotional Distress
Naughty children may deserve those lumps of non-renewable resources (coal) in their stockings, but that’s not a sufficient defence for the resulting emotional distress. One does not need Freud’s expert testimony to establish that these little girls and boys suffered severe enough psychological or emotional damage. Furthermore, inclusion on the “Naughty List” would have a deleterious effect on the children’s future quality of life, and therefore even constitutes blackmail.
For the record and in all fairness, the converse is true; children are inherently on the Naughty List, and rightly so. The scheme, nobly created and run by Santa Claus, enables children - by the simple expedient of being good - to remove themselves from the “Naughty List” and to gain the benefits that being on the “Nice List” brings. In our opinion this is no more blackmail that when a dentist advices these same children to brush daily to avoid tooth decay.
Breaking Labour And Employment Laws
Those poor elves. Imagine a slave workforce imprisoned by thousands of miles of frozen, barren landscape with unrealistic daily quotas on container stuffing, backbreaking hours, no overtime or holiday pay, and watered-down hot chocolate and marshmallows in the break room.
There is no evidence to suggest that the poor elves – claimed to be immortal - who man the North Pole’s toy factory receive a salary or compensation, other than room and board, which makes them closer to genetically modified eunuchs toiling on the land of their lord’s estate than paid employees or even independent contractors. It is also hard to believe that Santa provides anything in the way of elf pensions or disability benefits or that he has sufficient procedures in place to ensure workplace safety.
Fortunately for Saint Nicholas, he runs his prehistoric labour colony operation in international waters, and while the 2006 Maritime Labour Convention does set some minimum protections for maritime workers, compliance with such measures is only sporadically enforced against exploitative, Neptunian administrators like Mr. Claus.
Look for the elves to revolt and unionize in the summer!
Antitrust And Intellectual Property Violations
There can be no doubt in our mind that Santa has a monopoly over the Christmas gift market, and giving away commercial items for free undoubtedly reduces competition and hurts competitors.
At the same time, we have all seen the millions of toys this man is distributing and giving away , identical to those produced and sold by major global corporations. For some reason, Mr. Claus can't produce a single receipt or invoice for any of these knock off toys. Even duplicates of the logos, names, and packaging of the originals can be found. This is clear cut theft - by the train load - of intellectual property.
Alienation Of Affection
Last but not least, if someone sees mommy kissing Santa Claus, then daddy can institute legal charges against that third party – supernatural or not - for disrupting his marriage.
Note From The Editor
In a nutshell, jolly Saint Nicholas might need a jolly good counsellor, assuming we could detain him and bring him to justice in the first place and considering the fact that he is recognized as the leader of the Artic North Pole Region, Diplomatic Immunity would prevent him from being charged with any crimes.
The key to arresting him would actually be to catch him in the act. Howbeit, Santa is only seen on a “Need-To-See” basis. Our journal has more Bigfoot or Nessie evidence than that of Santa Claus being seen during deliveries. If you have woken up to watch him enter/leave your house, and fill stockings ….. it is because he wanted you to.
And has any amongst our dear readers who has ever witnessed this, ever attempted to detain him or press charges?
From a mature adult point of view, all of the above may speak against Santa Claus, but fortunately children instinctively appreciate this marvellous ‘nice’ mystery of a man. Too bad one constable and one logistician believe otherwise…
About
Alabaster Snowball is an Artic University Postdoctoral Research Fellow. Prior to joining The Sunday Polar Journal, Alabaster completed his PhD at the University of Narnia (1999-2004) and was a lecturer in Reindeer Psychology (2005).
Alabaster explores early development and has a keen interest in how offspring learn from technologies, specifically focusing on social internet trolling (SOT) and robotic toy processing (RTP). Alabaster is a strong advocate of gingerbread science and transparent toy production practices.
Outside of his research, Alabaster is an avid communicator of the supernatural and engages in many public ice bear activities. Since 2010, Alabaster runs a successful collection of social media platforms where he translates the science of doll behaviour into 1-to-3 minute videos for parents of young progeny.
Disclaimer:
This editorial has been approved for reading by 18+ artificially intelligent containers, but should not be read by adolescents on the naughty or nice list.
All characters and events in this editorial – even based on real logisticians – are entirely fictional. All political quotes are impersonated … poorly.
No Customer Implementation Managers, Project Managers or other Creatures were harmed during this investigation. An owl was pole dancing and a goose on platform 2 took the train, but that’s it.
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