This Too Shall Pass

The dreadful sound of Samantha’s alarm clock lets her know it’s time to start the day. She gets up reluctantly and washes her teeth before entering the steamy shower. A little while later, she comes out of her room dressed in a black-and-white striped blazer and matching skirt along with a pink button-down blouse. As she goes through her light makeup routine, she pulls her wet hair back into a ponytail (she normally alternates between that and a bun). Samantha then goes to wake up her son, a difficult task for any parent of a teenager. She leaves without knowing whether she was successful in achieving her goal and rushes into the kitchen to make breakfast. Since there’s never enough time to prepare a proper meal, they will have to settle for instant coffee, canned orange juice, and peanut butter toast. The school bus arrives a short while later and leaves almost immediately, giving Samantha some time to herself.

It's at that moment when reality hits her in the face. She realizes that today was an especially difficult day to get out of bed. As soon as she opened her eyes, she noticed her lack of enthusiasm, focus, and excitement about what the day might hold. Going through her morning chores was challenging, particularly as she dealt with stubborn melancholy. And worst of all, the intense feelings of emptiness made it difficult for her not to cry.

As she steps out to her driveway, Samantha notices her reflection in the mirror next to her front door. She’s furious for feeling sad. This isn't the first time this has happened to her, and something tells her it won't be the last. "How can I feel this way when I have everything I could want in life?" she asks herself. "Some people have it worse. I have nothing to be sad about. I should just suck it up and go on." "I'm so weak!” “I’m such a whiner!" As usual, her anger transforms into frustration, guilt, and shame. She can only hope that she can get through the day without causing a commotion at work or disturbing her friends and family.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't want to get out of bed? When all you feel is sad and gloomy? And when rumination appears to be a better option than anything else? I know I have. The hardest part is that we often don't know why. For some of us, these feelings are accompanied by thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness. Others experience desolation, emptiness, and embarrassment. Many people feel confused, lost, and exhausted. And for almost everyone, negative thoughts predominate throughout.

Sadness is a natural part of life, a temporary human emotion that is as common and unavoidable as any other. It shouldn’t be confused with depression which is a serious mental illness that requires support from specialists. Sadness is typically brought on by the pain of loss (e.g., death, endings, loneliness) and failure (e.g., rejection, frustration, disappointment). However, sometimes the causes are less obvious. For instance, stress can make the synthesis of some brain chemicals unstable, especially serotonin, which helps control our mood, and dopamine, which encourages us to act and makes us feel good afterward. If not neurotransmitters, then hormonal imbalances can do the trick. Thyroid dysfunction along with too much or too little production of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone can lead to a lack of motivation, fatigue, and sadness.

Evolution must have had a plan, otherwise sadness would not be part of us. Research from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that sadness can help us improve our memory by enhancing our attention to detail, reduce judgmental bias by promoting a more comprehensive thinking style, increase perseverance by pushing us to change the unpleasant state, and enhance interactions by prompting us to be more attentive in certain situations. Additionally, according to the University of East London, sadness is a mode of self-protection because it encourages detachment, a sign of self-care because it fosters compassion and a catalyst for growth as it engenders psychological development. Finally, the Kübler-Ross model demonstrates that sadness is a necessary component of the grieving process and aids in our ability to accept a situation and move on. All of these findings support the idea that sadness should be recognized as a significant part of our emotional toolkit since it serves some adaptive purposes.

Even though the feeling of sadness is necessary for our existence, we frequently view it as a shameful emotion that should be shunned, suppressed, or blocked. Because we are so uncomfortable with sadness, we don't allow ourselves to experience and deal with it. Time demonstrates how emotions have a force that calls out for expression. Our mind and body become stressed when we obstruct their flow because they are too demanding or too contradicting. Additionally, PsychCentral notes that suppressed sadness will eventually find a way to come out, sometimes in unexpected ways. Unresolved emotions can make us overreact to situations that would otherwise be simple to deal with and move through. We can discover that we lose our temper more easily than usual or that even the tiniest things make us feel down.

So, what are some constructive ways to cope with sadness? Here are three strategies that have proven effective for me. First, we need to acknowledge how we feel to keep the emotions from becoming stronger. It means giving ourselves the time and space to be present in that emotion without judging or criticizing. We should also communicate our feelings to others because fundamental emotions like sadness require validation in order to flow. Moreover, a key element in making emotions manageable is having a connection to someone with whom we feel safe and at ease. Second, we should make journaling a habit since sadness can be an awakening. As we put pen to paper to release our feelings of internal pressure and anxiety, the blank pages become a space to express our pain. Third, we must devote time and energy to supporting others. This may help us cope with our sadness by diverting our attention away from our own problems. It will also enable us to affirm that generosity is the way to happiness.

Now that we've gone over the does, let's move on to the don'ts. Number one, stay away from sugar. Studies suggest that eating too many simple sugars present in processed foods may increase our risk for depression. Number two, handle the smartphone wisely. A growing body of evidence demonstrates an association between excessive social media engagement and depression (it's easy to see how the constant barrage of flawless, yet fake, lives might make us feel self-conscious). And number three, get out of bed. Research shows that allowing our sleep patterns to become chaotic can translate into insomnia, which is proven to make sadness much worse.

Whenever we experience sadness, let’s remember that it’s a valid feeling, that it will pass, and that it can be overcome. I understand that this is easier said than done, but please know that you can always write me privately if you want to chat to someone about how you feel (I'm a certified Mental Health First Aider). Also, let’s not become afraid of sadness. There’s a reason for its existence, and when handled properly, the benefits it offers will outweigh the costs. Most importantly, let’s be mindful that repressing our sadness limits our potential to feel happiness. The lows, as they say, make us appreciate the highs.

“This too shall pass” is a well-known Persian adage that expresses the impermanence of hardship. If you're having one of those days where sadness is making you miserable, just keep in mind that you've been there before. And yet here you are. Tomorrow will bring a fresh start, and you'll be standing tall and stronger than ever.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. July 23, 2022.