You don't have to be perfect

Perfection is such a crippling thing for so many professionals. It leads to burnout, conflict and so many ills in the workplace. It shows up so frequently in my executive and leadership coaching clients and it not an easy thing for them to unpack. I often have to remind myself and others that tackling perfection is a journey not a destination. Anyhoo, thought I would share some thoughts from my weekly newsletter, The Coffee Shop.

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Today I'm sitting with a cup of Earl Grey - with some brown sugar and oat milk. Always good for my soul. What hot beverage is soothing your soul today?

Welcome to The Coffee Shop. If you are new, this is a weekly newsletter where I explore topics that people often want to take me out for a coffee to pick my brain on. The primary focus will be on my personal and professional development work, namely leadership, culture, effective communication, and growth. To everyone else, welcome back and please feel free to share this with other people you may think would benefit from it.

Last week, the algorithm gods at YouTube pushed a video onto my feed called Our dangerous obsession with perfectionism. This TED Talk, by Thomas Curran, reminded me of the number of times as a coach and mentor I have had to remind people that chasing perfection is folly. A waste of time. And very often something that is detrimental to our health.

A lot of commentators would blame social media and technology. While I agree those two things have amplified the damaging messages around perfectionism, the more I thought about it, the quest for perfection is not a new phenomenon.

For example, we are often asked, "what would you tell your younger self?". Of course, my hot-headed, idealistic younger self barely listened to elders who tried to curb my enthusiasm, so would some image of a future self make any difference? But that is beside the point. The point is that rugged life experiences shape who we are, not some ideal.

I can tie my desire for perfection back to my childhood. My parents, expats from the Caribbean, were adamant that education was the path to my future success. And when I say education, I am not just talking about learning and curiosity about life, but rather the quest to get top marks in all my classes. To show those teachers who thought me educationally inept that I could be perfect. So it would be perfect handwriting in my book. Perfect proofreading of my text (gosh, how I dropped that habit). Perfect formulas to demonstrate how I got to my answer in maths and science-based questions. Adopting an all too familiar mantra and mindset amongst first-generation parents, my Dad would ask me where the A* was if I got an A. Or why I got a 9 out of 10 instead of 10. Whilst a little laugh accompanied it, that laugh made me nervous, so I continued to strive for perfection.

Top sets. Perfect attendance, mostly. I was so upset the year Manish Parmar beat me with 100% attendance in year 6 (my only absence was an afternoon to go and see my Dad graduate). 99% yo. That wasn’t enough.

This obsession with perfection was so bad that I remember my Dad frowning because I had a Papermate pen with an eraser on the top. His thinking was that I wouldn’t have to erase mistakes if I took my time. We have since spoken about this in adulthood, and he claims not to remember. Perfect memory clearly isn't as important to him.

This same obsession with perfection shows up with so many clients. Professionals who work doubly hard so others can see how perfect they are. Even in the midst of a pandemic, when I coached groups around resilience, presenteeism and "always on" were commonplace. People didn’t want a blemish on their record. They were afraid their less than perfect performance would show up on an appraisal, calibration or review. And Lord help those who don’t meet or exceed their expectations because they simply double down on trying to perfect, and then you know what happens next. Burnout.

For years, I have had a mantra, 'done is better than perfect'. So much of my stress and anxiety reduced once I realised that the story that I had continued to tell myself about being perfect did not meet the expectations of those who just wanted a good result. People could care less about my colour coded macro supported spreadsheets. They just wanted it to work. No one has ever commented on my pitch decks’ meticulously chosen font and spacing. They just want to know what I'm proposing will bring value.

Bookshelf

My book of the week is Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before by Dr Julie Smith. Smith, a clinical psychologist, breaks down in bitesize chunks some of the critical questions we need to ask ourselves when faced with challenges. Whilst this book doesn’t directly address the issue of perfection as a theme, it got me thinking about how we can focus on giving ourselves a break - cutting ourselves some slack and realising that we will never be perfect. That’s the stuff of fairy tales, not real life.

Same time same place next week.

Your Leadership Barista, Dave