What “I Need My Space” Really Means

I was recently walking down the street in the West Village here in New York, and passed a couple sitting on their front stoop. As I passed, the guy said to the woman, “I need my space.” It stuck me because it’s a phrase we’ve probably all heard someone use, or said or thought ourselves, at some point. It got me thinking, “What does that really mean?”

After over a decade as a relationship coach, I have run across all of the following interpretations, meanings and situations. Here are the most important (and common) meanings when someone says “I need my space”:

#1 - As Excuses

The unhealthy, and fairly common usage of “I need my space” is when someone (usually, but not always a guy) uses it as an excuse to not be honest about the fact that he’s “just not that into you.” These men or women are sometimes struggling with avoidant, insecure attachment style so they need to feel wanted and strive to keep others wanting them. This means they may actively work to keep people ‘on the line in relationships, stringing partners along even if they aren’t really in love with that partner. Saying “I need my space” lets them stay I the relationship while creating distance and space so they do not have to be intimate nor spend time with them. It’s way of camouflaging and hiding the truth, by pretending that they just need more time for work. or for solitude for positive reasons when the truth is it is just avoidance. Instead of confronting the truth: “I don’t love you or want to be with you, except to keep you around so you make me feel loved, wanted and secure”

Another, slightly less unhealthy, form of using this as an excuse is when somebody is simply-conflict avoidant or a people pleaser. In this case, they know they do not want to stay in the relationship, but they simply have not been able to work up the courage to tell their partner. They may feel “guilty hirting him/her”. These rationalizations become excuses for more and more alone time, to avoid havingt to break up. If you’ve ever been in relationship where you felt like you’re pulling away from your partner, but you just can’t end it because you don’t want to hurt them, or you’ve been on the receiving end, and ended up in a non-relationship where you are basically just roommates who never even do things together, then this may be happening to you.

#2 - As An Individual Style

There are healthy versions of “I need my space.” For instance, someone may recharge their energy by being alone because they are introverted. They might have grown up with a lot of alone time and simply gotten used to that. In a partnership, if one person is used to and prefers more togetherness and connection time, while the other is used to and prefers alone time,  you can influence one another and find a rhythm that works for the relationship. This means the person who is used to being alone a lot can learn to appreciate more slightly togetherness than they are used to, and the person is used to being together most of the time can begin to appreciate the gift of having more time to themselves.

These two styles are often just different upbringings and family experiences (like an only child I a rural area compared to someone with four siblings in a dense city area). It can actually be quite healthy for any of us to take some time and space for ourself. When you have your own space and time you can focus more easily on your own needs, feelings and thoughts. There’s great value to this! We can experience greater self connection, confidence, creativity, productivity, and other benefits. 

Sometimes, however, people pleasers who have trouble feeling worthy of meeting their needs around other people will use “I need my space” as the only way to get their needs met. If you can only get your individual needs met with no one else around, it may be a clue that there is a need to grow better at feeling deserving of your own needs, communicating them, and not putting everyone else first. That’s something to look at and grow on stay tuned for future articles as I will help you learn how to get your needs met while around other people and in relationships!

This is SO crucial for us to be happy and healthy! If two people are too codependent or enmeshed with no individual independent time, or ability to meet their individual needs around one another, you’ll eventually feel like you’re losing yourself in the relationship. When that happens, you’ll gradually build resentment towards the relationship and your partner. We don’t want that!

Relationships are at their healthiest when two healthy individuals are getting their individual needs met, as well as contributing time and energy into the needs of the relationship.

Giving alone time to yourself is healthy, so long as there’s also time given to being together. As Khalil Gibran wrote in The Prophet:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness… Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone… stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

So today, I invite you to consider what your own history has been taking space for yourself in relationships. What’s your personal pattern around this? How has it worked for you? In relationships, as we get better at taking healthy time for ourselves while being with a partner, who does the same, we get to enjoy the gift of healthier relationships!