What the Porridge Standoff Taught Me About Stress and High Performance

‘You must absolutely be kidding me?’

It was 830pm. I’d finally got my son to settle in bed. I thought the moment had come when my evening would finally start.

Suddenly, he sat up, looked at me and made a statement. ‘I want porridge.’ Now I need to say that we have some boundaries around what food is eaten if my son needs a bedtime snack, and I can say this. Porridge is definitely not on the menu.

‘I want porridge’ is like hitting the nuclear button. I felt my chest tighten. A stand-off ensued, with neither of us backing down. As this unfolded I felt myself getting so cross: yet another evening written off in the endless shuttling between the demands and the peculiar needs that only a 5 year old seems to have late into the evening.

My internal compass was going haywire. ‘I'm really tired.' I never have time to myself.’ ‘There’s stuff I really needed to get done.’ ‘My needs don’t count.’ ‘I’m always saying yes, even when I don’t really want to.’ ‘This is how it will always be and I don’t like it.’

In amongst all the crying, shouting, pleading and negotiation my son quietened for a moment and piped up, ‘The longer we spend arguing together, the longer this is going to take.’

In the moment, I heard his wisdom loud and clear. My attachment to all my ‘Shoulds and wants’ disappeared and my heart reached out to this little one, teaching me something valuable in the moment.

He sat on my lap and we chatted about how we could do it all differently another day, and then we went off and made some porridge. It was all done in 10 minutes, and he was back in bed, calm and ready for sleep.

You may be wondering what this has got to do with stress and high performance.

You see, when you’re exhausted and on the edge of burnout, your clarity of thinking goes. You can get very attached to certain ideas about yourself, such as ‘Why do I always go the extra mile?’ ‘Why isn’t anyone else staying late to get this done?’ ‘Why are others putting a shift in like I am?’

Or if you get diverted off track, and lose your focus ‘Why can’t they work it out like I do?’ ‘Why can’t they sort this out independently like I do?’

It takes a moment of realisation to see you are veering off course from your true north, caught up in a maelstrom of thinking that serves no-one, least of all yourself, in the moment.

When the thought storm clears, clarity returns. You get an insight into whether it’s a battle worth fighting, what part you’re playing in it, how to approach it differently the next time around.

For a long time I used tools to keep stress at bay. Like prioritised ‘to do’ lists with ‘urgent vs important.’, time management techniques such as blocking out my work and my thinking time in my diary, working from home some of the time when I needed quiet space. 

I used breathing and visualisation, as a way of calming and getting clarity for what I needed to do. I dabbled with self-hypnosis tracks for a range of issues from staying calm to dealing with difficult people.

These were sometimes helpful as a way of translating the mass of tasks I had into a roadmap for the day, week or month and creating the space for my work to flow better. 

As a manager and coach, I also spent hour after hour with my teams, looking at what seemed impossible to them in the moment, and either helping them see what was most important or working out what the next step was to move out of feeling stuck.

Sure, those were all good in their way, helpful ‘unblockers’ to manage the ever-rising tide of work. But they didn’t inoculate me, or those I worked, with against stress or overwhelm which both came to visit. Or if they did have an effect, it was hit and miss.

Why was it some days I felt like I could conquer the world, getting through extraordinary volumes of work with what seemed minimum effort? While other days, I got so caught up in what ifs, and imaginary conversations with clients, colleagues, bosses and myself, that I fell right out of my performance and stalled.

This is what I see now, which has application to all of us, in any situation.

All of us have the capacity for high performance, when our thinking quietens down. A busy mind is like trying to concentrate on brain surgery with the music dialled up to 10, or a noisy toddler shouting constantly in your ear, tugging at your sleeve. It's just not going to work, or if it does, the scope for error and disaster are so much higher.

Just think of those times when you're driving, lost in thought, and suddenly you realise you need to brake really quickly...

Getting out of the way of our own thinking creates space to know what to do next.

When I say this, people usually nod and then ask ‘How do you get there?’

It’ll be different for each person. Me? I take a 10 minute walk to clear my head, talk to a colleague or friend to get a fresh perspective. Sometimes it’s enough to notice that I’m taking myself into a future that doesn’t exist and the worrying about it is pulling me out of my flow. You'll know what works for you. Or if you don't yet, experiment...

So what about you?

Do you have failsafe techniques to ground yourself and maximise your performance?

Do you see that quietening your mind is the first and sometimes only step needed to move back into your most productive self? 

#highperformers #coaching #stress #leaders #transformationalcoaching