The Courage To Grieve

When I decided a month ago to start this newsletter- I had a list of topics centered around "courage" that I intended to use. This past week, this newsletter was supposed to be released. But unfortunately, in the wake of yet another horrific tragedy with the mass shooting in Uvalde, Texas, I found myself putting the brakes on posting anything. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say, quite the contrary. I had a lot to say. The truth is, though having just recently watched my youngest daughter get married last month, my grief was fresh. I was painfully reminded during her wedding that 18 years ago, on their way to get school supplies, our lives were changed in a matter of 10 minutes. One man's choice robbed my daughter of ever having her dad walk her down the aisle. One man's choice robbed me of ever being able to see my twin daughter Brittany get married. Yes, for those of you who don't know me. I buried a husband and a daughter 18 years ago.

This week as I sat in the deep pain of remembrance- I was taken back to the fury of life in the following days, weeks, and years of my family's car crash. As I sat in this pain, I felt powerless to help those who now have been thrust into what I call "living life with a life sentence of grief." As someone who regularly shares about my journey through PTS(D) and the healing that has been hard-fought, I don't feel that living with PTS(D) has to be a life sentence. I do, however, think that the weight of losing my twin daughter Brittany is a life sentence- yes, a type of "grief weight" that I will carry for the rest of my life. As for you, only you can decide if you have been handed a life sentence of "grief weight" or not. Regardless, we have to choose to grow and find healthy ways to honor the pain if we genuinely want to find life on the other side.

Again, as I shared at the beginning of this article today, I had a different topic that I wanted to cover this past week. - but I think it's more fitting to talk about 'weakness' and the perceived 'strength' and "courage" that it takes not to show your emotions or feelings to others. Does stuffing our emotions lead to healthy outcomes? Does it take courage to grieve?

A few days ago, I shared a video; nothing new for me. I share videos all the time. The difference was at the end of this video, I could not stop the hot tears from rolling down my face, and I started to weep. I had no intention of crying when I began that video; in fact, if you watch it, in the beginning, my spirits are pretty high. I tried to hold it in, but the grief of losing my brother to suicide two years ago year hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was done recording, I immediately thought- there is no way that I am sharing this. My face was a mess, and you could tell that I'd been crying, so I thought, well, I could give it some time and re-do my makeup and try to shoot another video. But inside, I didn't want to pretend as if nothing had happened. So as I dug deep within myself, I thought- why is it that I don't want to share this video?

Can I be candid- it was not because I was afraid to show you that side of myself- it was because, as a society, showing that level of deep, raw pain isn't usually welcomed. Honestly, it's like a big pile of shit, and most people don't want to touch it. We all act like we've never changed a diaper in our lives. Whether we like it or not, it's necessary. 

It was not easy, but I decided that sharing the video would be worth it if it reached one person who has lost someone they love to suicide. How in the world can we ever change the narrative on mental health if my being vulnerable makes you uncomfortable? 

My friends, I think we suck at knowing how "to grieve with those who grieve." Again, I get it; it stinks. Think about it, though, a tv commercial that's funny, glamorous, and sexy will attract a thousand more views- but will it save lives?

At the end of the day, I think we have some tough questions to answer. Do you really want to be a part of the solution? I do, and believe me, it's not glamorous. There is no way to sugarcoat the message I share EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

Don't you think it takes tremendous strength and courage to cry in front of people you don't know? I don't mean tears that invoke pity. I'm talking about tears that come from love, love so deep that it flows from the pain of death and loss of lives that could have been prevented, tears that rattle you to your core. Tears that beckon you to do something and to stop avoiding the shit pile. Is it weak to cry or is it strong? 

Many years back, Officer Shane Hasebrook said this after hearing me speak. Think about this... "I met Jennifer for the first time in 2010... I remember listening to Jennifer tell about the horrific events on August 11, 2004, involving a drunk driver running a stop sign which killed her husband, Brian, and one of her twin daughters, Brittany, instantly. Jennifer’s other daughters, McKayla and Amber, were seriously injured, but survived. As Jennifer told about this horrific event, I remember thinking to myself how much courage she has to talk about this event in front of a large group of strangers, who had been charged with DUI. I also remember thinking; I would rather face a person armed with a gun shooting at me than talk about such a tragic event, while showing compassion to DUI offenders..."

I remember laughing with him when he told me this- because the truth is, back then I didn't own a firearm and I couldn't imagine given that I had my two young daughters back at home, that I would rather "face off with a person armed with a gun." 

12 years later, you can bet I'm ready to defend myself and others.

Now don't get me wrong- I have no intention of weeping every time I do a video. However, I will conclude with this. Almost all of us know the alarming statistics on suicides among our First Responders, Veterans, Male age 25-34, and now our youth as young as 10. 

You can get involved now, proactively, and find one or two people who dare to talk about the not-so-glamorous things and support them as though your life depends on it, because it does. Learn about grief, and prevention efforts now, or learn about it once it is too late and it has actually touched your life.

If you would like to know more about how to support those who are grieving, I put this small guide together this week in the hope that you might find one or two things useful that you can put into practice right away.

Here are a few other leaders inside of LinkedIn whom I see daily or weekly talking about how we can change the narrative on mental health, suicide, grief, addiction, trauma, and loss and how all of this "Reinforces Strong Mental Wellness." I would call any one of these people in the middle of the night and know they would sit with me in my grief. We are a group of imperfect people.

Please, pick one or two of us- and share our posts. Comment even when it's difficult for you. Encourage them as often as possible. I dare you to have the "Courage To Grieve" with us!

Today, I will share it again, "If you are out of Hope, Borrow My Hope"

We can get through this together! With Love, JT