Why are we unhappy?

The Psychology of Seeking Approval and Recognition in Unhappiness

Unhappiness is a complex emotional state that often drives individuals to seek external validation. People who feel unhappy may look for approval or recognition as a way to fill an internal void or soothe feelings of inadequacy. This behavior is deeply rooted in psychological mechanisms, including self-worth, social comparison, and attachment patterns. Understanding these dynamics can offer insights into why unhappy individuals are particularly prone to seeking external validation.

1. The Need for Approval and Self-Worth

Psychologists suggest that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to seek approval from others. Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist, emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard in building self-esteem. When this need is unmet—especially in childhood—it can lead to a pattern of approval-seeking behavior in adulthood.

Approval-seeking becomes a compensatory mechanism, where external validation temporarily soothes feelings of worthlessness. For example, an unhappy individual might frequently ask for feedback on their performance, seeking reassurance that they are doing well.

2. Recognition as a Substitute for Intrinsic Fulfillment

Recognition is slightly different from approval, as it relates to being noticed or appreciated for achievements. People who are unhappy often feel invisible or undervalued. According to Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 1985), recognition satisfies the basic psychological need for competence. However, when intrinsic motivation is absent, individuals may overly depend on external rewards, such as praise or accolades, to feel worthy.

For instance, someone unhappy with their life might overachieve at work, not for personal growth, but to gain recognition from colleagues or superiors. This external focus can perpetuate a cycle of dissatisfaction, as external rewards are fleeting and fail to address the underlying emotional needs.

3. Social Comparison and Validation

Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory (1954) provides another lens to understand approval-seeking behavior. Unhappy individuals are more likely to engage in upward social comparison, measuring themselves against others they perceive as more successful or happy. This can create a dependency on external validation to affirm their self-worth.

For example, an unhappy person might obsessively post on social media, seeking likes and comments as a way to gauge their value compared to others. This behavior is exacerbated in today’s digital age, where social media amplifies opportunities for comparison and validation.

4. Attachment Patterns and External Validation

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape how we seek validation in relationships. Those with insecure attachment styles (anxious or avoidant) are more likely to depend on external approval to feel secure. Unhappy individuals often fear rejection or abandonment, driving them to seek constant reassurance.

In romantic relationships, for instance, an unhappy partner might frequently seek verbal affirmations of love or become overly accommodating, hoping for recognition and approval to counteract their inner insecurities.

5. The Vicious Cycle of Approval-Seeking

Seeking approval or recognition often backfires, as the relief it provides is temporary. Over time, reliance on external validation can undermine self-esteem, making individuals feel more dependent and less capable of internal self-regulation. This cycle is supported by findings from Brene Brown, who highlights how shame and fear of disconnection drive people to seek validation in ways that ultimately erode their self-worth.

Breaking Free: Towards Internal Validation

Psychological interventions, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness-Based Practices, can help individuals cultivate intrinsic validation. These approaches focus on reframing negative thought patterns, building self-compassion, and developing internal sources of self-worth.

For example, instead of seeking recognition at work, a person might practice gratitude for their own efforts, shifting the focus from external praise to internal satisfaction. Similarly, mindfulness practices can help individuals become aware of their approval-seeking tendencies without acting on them.

Conclusion

Unhappiness often drives people to seek approval or recognition as a way to compensate for internal emotional voids. While these behaviors can provide temporary relief, they ultimately perpetuate feelings of inadequacy. By understanding the psychological mechanisms behind these tendencies—such as low self-esteem, social comparison, and attachment insecurity—individuals can take steps to cultivate internal validation and break free from the cycle of dependency on external validation.

References

1. Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

2. Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Springer.

3. Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.

4. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

5. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.