ARE YOU GOOD WITH ENDS? I AM NOT

Year end is fast approaching. At times it felt it never would. And now that it is here, the risk is that it doesn't really mark an end but rather a continuum. Amidst talks of a third wave and the unpredictability of our future lives, the risk I see is to just jump over this mark in the solitude of our own homes and wake up to the same, usual and habitual.

As for myself, I'm declaring instead that this year is OVER. It's done. I'm ready to move forward. I do so with some gratitude, I do so with some fear, I do so with some hesitations and doubts. I'm not good at completions. I'm a "jumper-over". When the end of something approaches, I just simply take my attention away and refocus on the future. At university, I would never get to read the last chapter of a book, I would get there and restart with the second or third read. And when I look back I see a similar pattern in many of the endings in my life.

When I'm about to move into a new chapter of my life, I just disengage and disappear, then I re-emerge on the other side full of enthusiasm and energy. Does this sound familiar? What are your patterns instead?

• Are you a clinger-on? One of those who can never leave the party?
• Are you an early leaver?
• Are you a fading-and-dissolving ender? Gosh, I really hated this at 16 when the fader was my boyfriend!
• Do you fight against ends? Do you turn back and say how it was all bad and spoiled?

These are habits that our experience consolidated, habits of survival, habits that helped us preserve our dignity and a sense of belonging.

I remember one time when I changed job to move to another location and my manager called for a good-bye dinner (which I, as a jumper-over, would have never organized). I remember how agonizing it was for me to go through that. Then my worst fears manifested when very few people were available to join, a long table full of empty chairs. I remember the cramps I had in my tummy, the nausea I felt, as I sat at that empty table, trying to be jolly and not being overwhelmed by the worst self-doubts. I just wanted to cry.

What is about ends that makes it so difficult to stay with them gracefully till completion and then move forward? I feel it has to do with feedback - what comes back after we have interacted with a system.

Every action is always complete, whether we skip the end or not. The action always completes. Karma.

Motivation --> Intention --> Skillful Execution ---> Feedback

The first three steps are under our control. The last one isn't. The last one we can influence but not control - it's a function of interdependence. And that may be scary, releasing control.

Feedback in a system is what returns to us after a change has occurred, causing a further change, initiating a new action. As open systems are not linear, feedback is not a direct consequence of what we did and how we intent-fully engaged with the system. The action returns to the starting point in a modified form after having interacting with the other elements in the system.

Our consciousness forms like that - based on that feedback that comes back when we interact with our environment. So you can imagine why we may not like ends: experience often proves us that what comes back can hurt us, it's not what we expected, it may be disappointing or just plain painful. An end is always a tear. How can we like it?

Naturally we seek out strategies to protect us against them.

But practicing ends, complete ends is important. Feedback in a system is what returns to us causing a further change, initiating a new action. A NEW POSSIBILITY. If you wish to change the patterns of your life, practice completion!

Feedback is what makes us grow, it's what makes us spacious. Whether it's reinforcing (telling us to keep moving in the same direction) or balancing (telling us to shift gear and direction).

Note: did I ever tell you what my intention is? My commitment for my relationships, professional and personal and with myself? To create space, to help us becoming a little bigger, a little more spacious. So you can see that I have a vested interest in feedback.

Here is a practice for this year end. I invite you: instead of jumping to new year resolutions, make this year end a real end. Declare it, thank it, move forward. And allow for new beginnings, for new space to form in your life, new possibilities to shape it. When we don't allow for completion, we move on, but we don't move forward.

PRACTICE TO COMPLETE 2020

PART 1 ENTER: Standing in front of mirror, allow yourself to feel 2020 inside you. What is it for you? How did it shape you? What losses and griefs are there? What joys and discoveries? Feel the feelings inside you, feel their sensations. Take your time.

PART 2 DECLARE COMPLETION: Then speak your declaration, don't embellish it, use as little words as possible, state your clear intention to complete, give thanks and say goodbye. "My relationship with 2020 is complete. Thank you. Goodbye".

As you speak these words, feel inside you. Let them sink and resonate.

PART 3 TURN: Slowly turn your back to the mirror, and stay. Stay. Hold. Hold the feeling of turning your back, of leaving something behind you, of not moving away, of not fighting it, of not disappearing, of not fading, of not rushing. How is it for you? Do you feel relieved? Tired? Drained? Elated? Torn? Scared?

PART 4 MOVE : Now start walking a few steps away from the mirror. And feel.

This is a practice of feeling. Observe your tendencies, do you want to fight the end? Do you want to rush out of it? Do you want to jump to 2021? How do these tendencies express in your body? How do the same tendencies express themselves in your life, in your relationships, in your leadership, in your tasks? And what becomes possible when you allow yourself to really complete?

Write it down if you like, reflection is an important part of integrating new possibilities. Enjoy this practice!

I wish you to complete this year at a slow pace, with no rush, from a centered place where everything becomes possible and is possible.

With love, Alessandra

Source: This practice has been adapted from Strozzi Institute for Somatic Coaching