Before You Give Advice: Three Steps to Getting Permission to Have an Uplifting Conversation

Before You Give Advice: Three Steps to Getting Permission to Have an Uplifting Conversation

In last week’s UPLIFT Letter, we saw that unsolicited advice typically backfires. That’s because you’re coming in as a critic, knowing better — and that triggers people’s defenses. Neurologically, defending against threat narrows focus and suppresses creativity.

Instead, we need to request and receive permission to have an uplifting conversation.

So how do we do it? In our book You Can Change Other People, Peter Bregman and I share a three-step process. In case you haven’t read it (gasp), here are the steps:

  1. Empathize
  2. Express confidence
  3. Offer to think it through with them

Let’s explore each step.

Empathize

Why empathize? Two main reasons.

First, if someone feels understood and valued by you, they’re more likely to accept your assistance. In their mind, you’re an ally, rather than a critic.

Second, empathy can help shift their neurology from fight-or-flight into social engagement, which brings their creativity and opportunity-seeking brain systems online.

What does this sound like? It could be as simple as, “It seems like you’re having a hard time with this.” Or, “That sounds like a tough position to be in.” Or, “That’s really challenging.”

It’s also the perfect opening when someone complains to you about their situation. That way, you can avoid giving advice or inappropriately reassuring them, and simply acknowledge that you are paying attention to what they’re feeling.

Express Confidence

You’re expressing confidence in their ability to handle the situation, to overcome the challenge.

This may sound like overly positive thinking, but it’s not. In fact, expressing confidence is tautological; by definition, you wouldn’t bother offering advice if you didn’t think they could benefit from it.

Letting them know that you believe in their ability to deal with this thing strengthens your position as their ally. And this kind of belief is contagious — people often rise to the expectations of others. (Check out this classic 1965 experiment by Rosenthal and Jacobson (no relation to me, as far as I know) for a stunning example of how manipulating teacher expectations significantly changed the educational outcomes of some students.)

Expressing confidence can be overt: “I believe in you, and I know you’ve got what it takes here. I’ve seen you deal with stuff like this before.”

It can reference the fact that they’ve “earned the right” to this challenge: “As team lead, you’re the one they’re looking to right now.”

And it can point to their aspirations for the future: “As you move up in your career, you’ll need to handle stuff like this on a regular basis.”

Offer to think it through with them

This is such a hard thing to refuse, especially when it follows empathy and an expression of confidence. And it’s the simplest thing to offer:

“Would you like to think it through together?”

“Want to think about the situation together?”

“Can we think together about how to approach this issue?”

Putting it together

Here’s an example from You Can Change Other People. In this example, Ben is complaining to a colleague, Dara, about Ramona’s unhelpful behavior as a member of his team.

Ben: Ramona is bossing everyone on the team. She’s so annoying, especially because she’s the one with the least experience.

Dara: That sounds tough. [Empathy]

Ben: Yeah, it is. Everyone’s spending so much time defending their turf that we’re not accomplishing our mission. It’s infuriating.

Dara: Sounds like it’s a larger dynamic than just Ramona. Something you probably need to handle as the team leader. [Confidence] Want to think about the situation together? [Think together]

Ben: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.

Your Turn

Think of someone you’d like to change in some way. Imagine they come to you, not for advice, but just to complain. What does your 3-part permission formula sound like? For kicks, share your response in the comments (anonymizing, of course, to protect both the innocent and the guilty).


Want to create a team culture where everyone’s a pro at bringing out the best in each other? Reach me at howie@askhowie.com and we can chat about how to make it happen.

Saahil Mehta

Entrepreneur | Leadership Coach | 100 Coaches Dr. Marshall Goldsmith | Author | Chapter President - EO MEPA Bridge | Sustainability Crusader | Keynote Speaker

4mo

Wow Dr Howie Jacobson . . I know when I see people giving unsolicited advice even when the intentions are pure, how negatively itnis perceived. Your three step process sounds very promising. A question I have is what if the person you are speaking to is your much more senior in ranks int eh company, does that change the process at all?

Like
Reply
Mitchell Levy, CCS

Inc 5000 CEOs Leading the Future with Executive Gravitas | Exec Coach: Marshall Goldsmith’s 100 Coaches | Top 16 Leadership Voice | 2x TEDx Speaker | Intl Bestseller 65 Books | x-Public Board Member

4mo

Love this Dr Howie Jacobson. What a great idea to ask permission (in a way) to have an uplifting conversation.

Like
Reply
Doug Ott

Business Development Consultant, Coach, Trainer, Public Speaker, Revenue Accelerator for the professional services market.

4mo

Great suggestions, Dr Howie Jacobson. I’ll have to check out your book.

Like
Reply
Mary Olson - Menzel

CEO, MVP Executive Development, Executive Coach, Business Advisor, Leadership Expert, Facilitator, Author of the National Bestseller "What Lights You Up? Illuminate Your Path and Take the Next Big Step in Your Career"

4mo

This is so great Dr Howie Jacobson, empathy, encouragement and holding space for them - very powerful!

Like
Reply

To view or add a comment, sign in

More articles by Dr Howie Jacobson

  • How to Prepare for a Dreaded Conversation

    How to Prepare for a Dreaded Conversation

    Do you have a dreaded conversation in your future? By “dreaded conversation,” I’m talking about one that you’ve been…

  • The Most Respectful Question

    The Most Respectful Question

    I’m learning Spanish, which is a pretty good idea since I live in Spain. My main activity these days is watching videos…

    11 Comments
  • Have that Dreaded Conversation Before Christmas

    Have that Dreaded Conversation Before Christmas

    “I didn’t give an employee feedback for six months because I dreaded having the conversation,” a friend whom I’ll call…

    13 Comments
  • How to Stop "Losing It" and Liberate Your Mind

    How to Stop "Losing It" and Liberate Your Mind

    Do you ever “lose it”? By “lose it,” I’m talking about an embarrassingly inappropriate reaction to whatever’s going on.…

    11 Comments
  • Tell Me About Your Rabbits

    Tell Me About Your Rabbits

    “Do you want a statue? Or do you want to serve?” One of my coaching clients shared with me that he’d been asking…

    20 Comments
  • These Go to 11: How to End Self-Sabotage Through Mindfulness

    These Go to 11: How to End Self-Sabotage Through Mindfulness

    Today I want to get to the root of our unwanted behaviors. Why do we lose our temper when we know it’s going to come…

    19 Comments
  • Memphis Misdirection: How to Notice — and Transcend — Our Limited Perspectives

    Memphis Misdirection: How to Notice — and Transcend — Our Limited Perspectives

    The first verse of Chuck Berry’s 1959 song “Memphis, Tennessee” goes like this: Long distance information, give me…

    3 Comments
  • Let's Spend Some Time Together... With Our Younger Selves

    Let's Spend Some Time Together... With Our Younger Selves

    In 1967, the Rolling Stones were instructed to sing "Let's spend some time together" on the Ed Sullivan show, because…

    15 Comments
  • Definitely Not a Bag of Drugs

    Definitely Not a Bag of Drugs

    Last week, police in Portland, Oregon, searched a stolen car and found fentanyl, oxycodone, methamphetamines, a loaded…

    27 Comments
  • Psychological Safety and the Magic of Dingulation

    Psychological Safety and the Magic of Dingulation

    I’m a big believer in fostering psychological safety at work. Without it, people will play it safe.

    23 Comments

Insights from the community

Others also viewed

Explore topics