The Power of Presence: Rumi’s Wisdom and the Barriers to Deeper Connection

"Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there." – Rumi

Rumi’s words capture a profound truth about human connection: beyond the rigid boundaries of judgment, advice, and correction, there is a space where true empathy can flourish. It’s a space where we meet others not as problem-solvers or fixers, but as fellow human beings, fully present and open to understanding.

In our efforts to help, we may unintentionally hinder the very connection we seek by falling into patterns that prioritize our intellectual understanding of a situation over true emotional presence.

While these behaviors are typically meant to offer comfort or support, they can actually create distance, preventing us from meeting others in that metaphorical “field” where empathy thrives.

Let's explore these behaviors and consider how we can shift from intellectualizing problems to truly meeting people where they are.

1. Advising: “I believe you should…”

One of the most common ways we try to connect is by offering advice. The impulse to help by suggesting solutions can feel natural, but when we jump too quickly into advising, we overlook the person’s need to simply be heard. When someone shares their struggles, they often don’t need a quick fix or a suggestion on what they “should” do. Instead, they need someone who can sit with them in the discomfort, acknowledging their experience without rushing to change it. Offering advice before fully understanding can inadvertently suggest that the person’s feelings or situation are wrong and need fixing, rather than being valid as they are.

2. One-Upping: “That’s nothing, what happened to me is far worse.”

While it might seem like we are trying to offer solidarity when we share a more intense or similar experience, this can often make the other person feel invalidated. One-upping can minimize their struggle and shift the focus away from their emotional experience. Instead of offering a comparative story, try simply listening. When we focus on the person’s narrative without turning it into a comparison, we invite them into a deeper, more authentic connection.

3. Educating: “You could learn from this if you just…”

The desire to “teach” can be a well-meaning response, but when we take on the role of an educator, we risk distancing ourselves from the emotional needs of the other person. This behavior positions us as superior or more knowledgeable, which is the opposite of empathy. True empathy requires the willingness to enter the person’s world without assuming that we have all the answers. Instead of educating, try asking questions that invite the other person to express themselves more deeply. This demonstrates respect for their perspective and fosters a true exchange.

4. Consoling: “You gave it your all, it wasn’t your fault.”

While consoling might seem like a comforting response, it can sometimes dismiss the person’s emotional experience. By offering comfort before the person has fully expressed their feelings, we risk invalidating their grief or frustration. Instead, we can sit with them in their pain and acknowledge the complexity of their emotions. Sometimes, silence and presence speak louder than any words of reassurance.

5. Story-Telling: “That reminds me of last year…”

We’ve all been there: when someone shares a personal experience, and we can’t help but jump in with a similar story of our own. However, the focus then shifts from the other person’s experience to our own. While it’s tempting to connect by relating our own stories, it’s essential to resist the urge to overshadow their experience. Let their narrative unfold without interruption, and allow them to feel fully seen and heard.

6. Shutting Down: “Be happy, it could have been worse.”

This behavior is often driven by a desire to “cheer up” the person or help them see the silver lining. However, it can come across as dismissive, making the person feel that their emotions aren’t worthy of expression. Instead of minimizing their pain, we can validate their feelings by acknowledging that it’s okay to feel hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Empathy doesn’t require fixing, it requires listening and being present with their emotions.

7. Sympathizing: “Oh, poor you…”

While sympathy may seem compassionate, it often comes across as patronizing. It creates a dynamic where the other person feels pitied, rather than understood. Empathy, on the other hand, fosters equality—it’s not about feeling sorry for someone, but about being present with them in their struggle, offering understanding without judgment.

8. Interrogating: “When did this start?”

The desire to gather details can sometimes overpower the need for emotional connection. By interrogating the person about the specifics of their situation, we risk putting them on the defensive or making them feel like a case to be solved. Instead of asking probing questions, try simply being present and listening to the emotions behind the story. Sometimes, just being a quiet witness is the most supportive thing we can do.

9. Explaining: “I would have messaged you, but…”

When we try to explain ourselves in an attempt to justify our actions, we pull the conversation back to ourselves rather than focusing on the other person’s experience. Explaining can also come across as a defense mechanism, signaling that we’re not truly listening or prioritizing their feelings. Instead, focus on hearing them out, and if appropriate, offer an authentic acknowledgment of their feelings or situation without needing to offer explanations.

10. Correcting: “It sounds like that’s not how it happened.”

No one likes to feel that their version of events is being corrected. In emotionally charged moments, correction can feel like an invalidation of a person’s lived experience. Instead of focusing on the facts or the “correct” version, it’s more meaningful to focus on how they felt. Acknowledge their emotions first, and when the time is right, invite clarification or a discussion of facts in a more neutral, non-confrontational way.

Moving Toward Deeper Connection

At the heart of each of these behaviors lies a common theme: a tendency to approach others’ struggles with our intellect rather than with our presence. We focus on fixing, advising, or explaining because we want to be helpful. But as Rumi so beautifully expresses, true connection happens beyond the confines of right and wrong. It’s in the field of pure presence, where we meet others without needing to change or correct them.

True empathy requires us to suspend judgment and be present in the discomfort of another person’s experience. It asks us to listen not with the intent to fix, but to understand. It asks us to resist the urge to intellectualize or perform, and instead, to simply be with someone, offering our full attention, understanding, and care.

In that field where Rumi invites us to meet, there are no “right answers” or “solutions.” There is only the deep, transformative connection that comes from sharing the human experience in its fullness.