Children Who Walk Away

I became an Empty-Nester 12 months ago on February 18, 2021. I had so many plans for my child when this event would happen yet, mine was far from the hopes and dreams I had once imagined. My son ran away from home.

Technically speaking since he was 20 years old, he had the legal right to make this decision. My hope for when he left was that he would have a great job doing something he was passionate about and that he would move into his own place. Like my two daughters, I looked forward to visiting where he chose to live, having dinner there and building a mental list of things I could give to him to add to his home.

At least that was the plan.

Let me paint you a picture: I have been a single father for 15 years and although we did not have all the bells and whistles in life, my son and I have been happy over the years. We share a unique sense of humor; we can always find the humous side of things and we have spent years making each other laugh.

I remember the days when I would pull into the parking lot and he had been waiting by the window for me and would coming running out on the balcony, super excited yelling “Dad’s home!” with his arms in the air and a huge grin on his face.

I have been told by some folks I should never say this but the truth is, my son was my best friend. We are both introverts and both need a certain amount of alone time, but we have always enjoyed each other’s company.

In 2012, I started working at a non-profit as a Trainer for a banking program and during my six years there, I taught and graduated 30, three week-long banking classes which consisted of 15 students. Most of my students came to me in crisis and by the end of the three weeks these folks were all charged up about life, their potential future and their confidence to find employment. On average, roughly 90% of my graduates found great jobs in the banking industry.

I consider myself an expert in my field; not only finding people employment, but also in developing their self-confidence in themselves and their abilities. However, only having one income and working at a non-profit does not equate to a luxurious lifestyle, still, I know we had everything we needed, as long as we had each other.

When he was younger, there was a point where I was working three jobs, seven days a week to keep us afloat. I was fortunate enough to find the training position, so I only had to work one job. I remember making the decision to not take on another job so we could live life more comfortably, because I wanted to be home for my son. I wanted him to have memories of me making him homecooked meals every night instead of a box of Mac n Cheese in the microwave.

While in high school, my son took four honors classes every semester which earned him a $60,000 scholarship at MCAD, Minneapolis College of Art and Design; the only college he was interested in because of his creative abilities. I was so proud of him when he graduated from high school with honors!

My son has Asperger’s Autism, but he is very low on the spectrum; basically, he is highly intelligent but is very, socially shy so high school was somewhat of a nightmare for him. Finding friends was not his strength so he was a loner like me when I was in high school. I understood his feelings and the need to have someone to interact with on a daily basis.

He took a year off from school, which I completely understood because I know I could not have gone to college right after high school, so for me this was not even an issue. He would stay up all-night long playing video games with “friends” he found on the internet, then he would sleep all day while I was up working helping people find employment; it actually worked out pretty nice during that first pandemic year.

He started MCAD in the fall of the 2020 and by Thanksgiving he decided he did not want to go to college anymore. At first, I was shocked because I saw this enormous opportunity, but then I realized this was my dream and not necessarily his dream. He did finish the semester with high grades and was free in January 2021.

I am a second-generation Career Counselor, which means my mother did this before me and our theory is, as a parent, if you are not going to go to school, then you are going to go to work. Previously, my son had a part-time job at Walgreens but quit after six months right after the pandemic started as we both agreed it simply was not safe.

However, the all-night gaming continued.

Around mid-January, I started giving him job postings, even some remote ones as his computer skills are off the chart and he can type around 90 words per minute. As a Trainer, my homework for my students was five applications per day, that is 25 in a week and a hundred over a month. It was a progressive schedule but one that proved to work for my students. I even put up a calendar so my son could track how many applications he put in each day.

For those who might say, “Your son is not your student.”, I completely disagree! Our children should be our most important students we will ever have in our lifetime and although they are individuals who will think differently than us, we need to teach them as much as we can, in the short amount of time we have with them. It is my belief; parents have a direct responsibility to help train their children to be adults.

Each week he assured me he was looking for a career path but had not found anything that would make him happy. I have found people who enjoy what they do for a living, are happier in life and perform better on the job, so I gave him time.

Then after a couple of more weeks I realized he had not put in one application and remained gaming all night long.

The Marine in me came out and we started having discussions about him not applying for jobs; discussions that were mainly going in one direction. Not yelling like a Drill Instructor, rather logical thought-out reasons of why he should find a job.

Then on February 18th, 2021, after one of our “discussions,” he ran away in subzero weather.  He called his sister and she picked him up and brought him to her house.

I thought he would be gone for a week or two, but unfortunately, I have not heard from him since that day. I have made calls, sent texts and emails; I even pay his phone bill to keep a channel of communication open, but still no contact from him. I have since learned he has moved in with his mother.

This next part is why I wrote this article because it seemed like overnight, I lost my son. He just simply vanished from my life and left a huge void which is filled with heartbreak. Everyone was in shock because of the close relationship we had; all you had to do was look at my Facebook page to see all the things we were doing; vacations we went on and how we were always getting along so well. It is clear we love each other very much!

My family and friends gave me the solid advice of, “Give him some time” and “He will eventually come around sooner or later, when he is ready.” As I said, great advice but soon it will be a year. I have a friend who recently shared with me, she has not seen her children in over 30 years; I have realized I am new in this arena and perhaps I do need to give him more time.

The hardest part comes at 3:28 in the morning when I am lying in bed trying to figure out what went wrong. What did I do or not do, or see or not see, that could have prevented this? Where did I make a mistake? Was it a series of mistakes? Was I too hard on him as a military father, or too soft on him because it was just the two of us? Was I too demanding in his job search? Am I expecting too much? And of course, does gaming have anything to do with this?

In my mind, my son would never do such a thing because he is a fine young man; so, there must be some outside influence.

The truth is, I have been blaming myself for this because that is the easy answer. It is easier to accept fault and blame for something I may have done, then to face the fact; my son has changed.

My point being, I have a lot of emotions stirring around within me that I have lived with for a year. I do not fall into the category of people who say, “Kids these days” because I know every generation says that about the younger generation. I am positive my mother said this about me, and her mother said that about her, and so on.

My psychologist tells me I am not alone in this, she works with lots of parents whose adult children have walked away from them for various reasons, and they too blame themselves.

Please understand, I do not have a victim mentality; this is something that happened between my son and I, and I am learning how to live with the uncertainty of our future together.

I wrote this article after a year of thought.

I decided to share my story because I know there are other parents out there who may have, or are currently experiencing, the same thing with their children. I am sure there are some kids who leave home for legitimate reasons of their own and even others who leave for their concerns over their own personal safety, both mentally and physically.

For those parents out there, who are experiencing what I am going through, I want you to know you are not alone and that you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame for your children’s decisions because you provided a home and I imagine, did your very best to care for them. Children do not always see all of the invisible things we did for them, to give them a better life; just as many of us, did not see what our parents did for us, at the very same age.

At first, I was a little embarrassed to share my story; to have the possibility of whole world condemn me for being a bad parent, is a bit intimidating; but I then realized that by doing so, perhaps I could help other parents out there living with the same thoughts I have been living with for the past 12 months. Yes, I am going to go Star Trek on you: “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

I know I will see my son again because I will not look at it any other way. I know he is just finding his own way and he is doing what he believes to be right. I live with the confidence I instilled a lot of wonderful qualities in him and that these seeds will flourish, even if I am not there to see it. So, I look forward to sharing a meal with him at his place and making mental lists of things I can give him for his home.

This give me hope, each and every day; all of us need something in life to hope for and mine is spending more time with all of my children.

I have come to a place where I am not giving up on him, because that will never happen, but rather moving on with the goals I have set for my own life instead of living a life of waiting for him to walk through my front door.

Please feel free to share your story or contact me if you would like to talk about your situation with your children.