The Courage to Soften - A Key to Effective Leadership

In our highly stressed-out and reactive world, many people have learned or assumed that to lead effectively, they must be unyielding, tough, fiercely determined, and demanding. There are times when being this way is useful. However, there is great power in softening. When we soften, we can more easily transform challenges into opportunities, conflicts into collaborations, and difficulties into growth. At a time when we are facing unprecedented complexity and uncertainty, softening in the face of adversity may be a wise leadership move.

What does it mean to soften?

Let's first look at hardening. When we harden in the face of challenge, we react and speak without thinking. We tighten up and brace ourselves for battle. We may become pointed, accusatory, defensive or even threatening. Not all of us do, of course. Some of us retreat, becoming quieter, smaller, and more invisible.

These reactions may not be conscious. They vary depending on what parts and paradigms are activated in the face of the type of challenge we are encountering and what else may be at play in and around us, and in our lives. Nevertheless, both the reactive and repressive tendencies involve a hardening of sorts, whether of the body or mind. This hardening is evident in the sharpness of the words that come out, the tone being used, and the physical and facial postures. And there is hardening internally, in the inner defensive mechanisms that are triggered and reinforced, the judgmental inner talk—whether directed at ourselves, others or our circumstances. And, even more subtly, there is the hardening of the protective shell around our hearts, which cuts us off from our aliveness, our joy and our capacity to give and receive love.

In what ways do you harden in the face of challenge or threat?

Hardening is not wrong or bad. However, it may not always be optimal. Most of the stresses and strains of the workplace don't require us to harden and protect in the ways that were required when these mechanisms first evolved in humans. Utilised in the workplace, they increase stress and harm our sense of peace and calm, the quality of our relationships and our effectiveness and productivity, as well as that of others.

But isn't softening weak?

You may think of softening as weak. It is not. Nor is it about compromising on our goals and values. It takes great courage and wisdom to soften in the face of challenge. It requires understanding, empathy and love—of self, of others and the larger world. In short, it requires that we live into our best selves.

To soften is to approach problems with an open heart and an open mind. When we soften, we consciously and intentionally bring gentleness into play. We relax rather than react. We are kinder and more compassionate with ourselves and others. We know there is more here to be explored, and we seek to discover what may be arising in this moment that could serve us, others and the larger wholes we are a part of.

Softening is a generous act

Softening is a generous act, and a mutually beneficial one. When we soften in the face of conflict, we recognise the humanity in others. We are more likely to see their genius and essence wanting to express itself and to be able to call that forward. This can unleash potential, create change, build bridges, dissolve barriers, deepen connection and open possibilities we previously couldn't have seen.

I had this experience recently, where I chose to enter into a dialogue with a colleague, who thought we were in a power struggle, from a place of love, compassion and curiosity, doing my best to drop my frustration and protective tendencies. The conversation had a different flavour to our previous one. We are not fully resolved, but there is now a tenderness in the relationship that feels more promising than before.

Imagine a world where leaders meet conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness, where disagreements are seen as opportunities to learn rather than threats to power.

Softening requires practice

Softening in the face of challenge is not easy. It requires practice. Practice of letting go of self-protection and reactivity. It requires a willingness to open to the possibilities in the moment with curiosity, wonder and inquiry. It requires the courage to show up fully, to be open, and ready to admit we don't know so that we can engage in mutual/collective exploration honestly and authentically. It requires awareness and active presence so that we can play with what is and what might be.

When we soften, we loosen up. We open. We let go. We allow more life, blood and energy to flow through us. As a result, more becomes possible.

I am reminded here of my days playing competitive squash. It was hard not to get tight during competitions, especially when nerves got the better of me. When my body and muscles were tight, I couldn't move as fluidly. I choked on shots I'd made a thousand times in practice. And the more I messed up, the more I got stuck in my head. The more I was in my head, the worse my game was. I'd try to make it work, willing my body to do what I knew it could do if I relaxed, when what I needed to do was relax!

We we relax and soften, we can reap the benefits of our practice and experience without being constrained by our inner reactivity or worries. Then we are more likely to experience the joy of being in flow.

Softening is a radical act of leadership

Softening in the face of challenge is a vital skill for leaders to learn. It is a radical act of leadership in a world that is desperate for more love, wisdom and aliveness.

Try it, and see what results.

Here are some ways to get started when you next encounter challenge.

1. Pause and breathe: Breathe deep into your belly a few times. It is powerfully calming. Place a hand on your belly, and contemplate it's softness, allowing your body to relax as you do so.
2. Choose to open your heart and mind: Try not to harden or overly protect. Instead tell yourself to soften, open, and be fully present. Recognise any parts or aspects of yourself that are not there yet, and acknowledge them without forcing them to shift or change.
3. Listen actively: Seek to understand rather than to respond. Ask questions to learn more about what is happening. Be in inquiry.
4. Be kind and gentle: Offer a kind word or gesture to ease the tension and create a more positive and open atmosphere.
5. Be generous: Recognise that people are trying their best often under difficult conditions. Remember they are human. Look for and kindle the greatness in them.
6. Reflect and learn: After each challenging interaction, reflect on how you handled it and what you could do differently next time. Recognise yourself for trying, however well you did. It is a courageous step forward. It will become easier with practice.

Give softening a go, and post your thoughts, reflections, insights and experiences below so we can create more softness in a world that needs so much more of it.

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