Do you know the power of questions?

(An article in English for a change!)

Picture it like this : your brain is divided into different sections that are responsible for varied missions, ranging from processing data coming from your senses - feeling good/bad about it - activating your body reactions - storing experiences as good/bad memories - keeping your beliefs and values intact.

One thing is crucial for your brain : remaining functional = remaining within the boundaries of your comfort zone = remaining within the boundaries of what you know (which actually may not be comfortable, and should be called "zone of control").

Your brain is constantly busy with trying to keep your vital parameters steady. Stepping out of your comfort/control zone makes you sweat / your heart beats faster / your thoughts do not follow usual paths --> your brain doesn't like it and will send you messages to try and discourage you to put your life at risk (this is how bad it sounds for him).

Because to him - the stress you're putting yourself into is the same as physical danger. He's not kidding.

Physical pain and emotional pain (disappointment, shame, rejection...) are all very harmful to both your body and mind. The vocabulary is similar : you can be wound, hurt, you can suffer, you can even feel mortified! Your brain is certainly not kidding with it!

That is why we have beliefs and values that we hold so dear : it helps our brain deal with the humongous ton of information it perceives (senses + vibes/frequencies) - and take decisions to act quick, in an expected way, and get away from any source of uncertainty/stress as quick as possible.

An example? A colleague is being too bossy with you >> you have an emotional response, that tells you that you're not liking it >> your brain feels that you're not comfortable within your usual trends of thoughts, and he doesn't like it >> to protect you, he'll urge you to resort to quick actions that you're used to. Hoping that this will calm things down.

So he'll resort to your values :

• "humility"
• "caring"
• "professional conscience"

and also your beliefs (which may be highly questionable :) :

• "he's a selfish guy who doesn't care for others, unlike me"
• "I am not like him, I much prefer to respect people"
• "if I don't speak / don't look at him the way I usually do, he'll understand that he's gone too far"

And that will make you choose to not speak up, but keep your frustrations inside you. (which in turn may make you look for immediate gratification through food/games/shopping/projecting your anger on someone else ;)

See? Your brain is so much focused on protecting you (and he so believes he's right!) from the stress of exploring new ways of thinking/speaking/behaving that he'd rather keep you imprisoned into values/beliefs/fears.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE? You may ask.

Well, read this : your brain CANNOT resist the urge to look for a response when he hears a question. That's physiologically impossible. Nobody can escape it. You hear a question? Your brain will look for an answer right away. Maybe he won't say it out loud, but he'll definitely look for one.

So questions are a fantastically powerful device to make your brain go places that he's not used to. Out of his comfort/control zone. And with a bit of luck, he'll realize that there is some good stuff out there worth exploring!!

That is why, in training as well as in therapy, we use open questions so much.

Getting back to the bossy colleague : as a coach/trainer/therapist, I would ask you "What benefits are there for you not to say to your colleague that you're feeling uncomfortable with his way of talking to you?"

Since your brain has never looked at it that way, he'll try to think of benefits - and will find some, if he's being honest to himself!

• "I'm not good at expressing frustration, it will not come out right, I'll be ridiculous"
• "I'm afraid people will look at me weird if I go from easy to confrontational"
• "I fear not being loved anymore if I change the way I behave and start speaking up"

Not really the easiest thing to admit, but he'll understand that maybe there are other reasons than "protection" for not allowing you to express your discomfort.

What's best? The mere thought of such new ideas doesn't need to be expressed out loud to give you a wake up call.

In short - use open questions to make people think of new ideas / and go see someone who will ask you questions if you feel stuck with your own problems and inefficient solutions.