Fighting My Way Back to Feeling…and Learning to Ignore the “Emotions Shamers”

“Stop crying so much.” My drill sergeant’s words were to never let any of the other cadre or command see me cry again. I was becoming unhinged and crying was my outlet. 

Unfortunately, to my detriment, I internalized that advice.

In that moment, I saw crying as weakness. I saw expressing emotion as weakness.

In the years after that (well-meaning but destructive) conversation, I slowly began to lose touch with my emotions.

Not only was I unable to express them, I also struggled with being able to feel them at all.

Fighting my way back to feeling was an uphill battle.

Emotions can be such complicated entities. 

An entity is a thing with a distinct and independent existence.

Since they seem to have a life of their own, what a fitting description.

We feel them, avoid them, try to control them, let them control us and eat them while they, in turn, eat at us.

What are emotions?

When we talk about emotions, we typically mean feelings such as anger, sadness, happiness, fear.

According to Dr. Thomas Dixon, Director of the Queen Mary Centre for the History of the Emotions and editor of the History of Emotions Blog, the term emotion is relatively new. 

Prior to the 19th century, what are now referred to as emotions were called appetites, passions, affections and sentiments.

The word itself is derived from:

·     Middle French word émotion, which suggests a physical disturbance 

·     Old French , emouvoir (stir up) 

·     Latin, emovere (move out)

Interestingly, each derivation of “emotion” seems to suggest a type of movement.

None of which would correspond with suppressing, which implies stopping.

We may feel that holding it in, being “strong” or putting on facades will help us to overcome what we are facing. We may even feel that others will admire our strength. 

Unfortunately, denying, suppressing and repressing our feelings does not negate the stress on and damage to our psyche, bodies, or existence.

Emotional hurts and wounds that go unchecked can color how we see and respond to the world. The underlying pain can impact what we put out and receive in return.

What Happens When We Suppress

Not feeling our emotions or being out of touch with them may be described as:

·     Feeling numb

·     Empty

·     Having a void

When we don’t have access or refuse to access our emotions, the result may lead to attempting to satisfy an appetite, which was one of the words that preceded the term we now know as emotion.

The appetite could be for anything. What we consume may run the gamut.

Consumption could include food, work, alcohol, drugs, entertainment (social media, gambling, sex, pornography, etc.) … consumption is different for everyone and the list is not all inclusive.

The Detriment of Feeling the Need to be Constantly Positive

Someone shared this thought with me regarding emotions… 

“I think they are only complicated if we make it that way. I’ve learned to accept things as they are and I know I have the power to change something that’s not working.

I admire that. I also know that there are times when there are other factors at play…when acceptance and denial aren’t so black and white or under our control.

We have to be careful not to creep into the territory of “emotions shaming.”

There is such a push for smiling, being positive, and being happy that we can feel tempted to put ourselves down when we don’t rise to the expectations of the positivity princes and princesses of the world.

Life will present us with situations and stressors that challenge us in ways that we cannot begin to fathom.

In the day-to-day “normal” stresses of our existences, we may very well be in extraordinary control of our emotions, thoughts and feelings. 

In those instances, there are numerous strategies that we can employ to help us be the rational people that we are capable of being.

However, there are those times and seasons of life that threaten our sanity, stability and resolve.

Emotional control, a smile, a positive quote or a pat on the back can all become rather meaningless.

The birth (and death) of my 21-week-old daughter is a perfect example.

I remember being an emotional wreck …BUT STILL, washing my face, taking a deep breath, putting on a big smile and walking outside to face the world as if everything were perfect.

I was an actress and the world was my stage.

When people would ask me how I was doing, I would give the biggest smile and say that everything was fantastic and then I would ask them about themselves. I didn’t mention the phantom kicks that I could still feel in my belly.

Rather than deal with my grief and confront the pain of the loss, I shopped.

Every single day I got up and I went shopping... attempting to fill a gaping hole in my heart (that no one else’s experience of learning to dominate their emotions could have helped me through.)

I was consumed and consuming…but my hunger would not be satiated.

When I went back to work, I threw myself into it. I didn’t take breaks and took on extra patients. 

We were very busy, so that made it a lot easier to not have to deal with downtime.

My refusal to deal with her death and my emotions had consequences. One was a prolonged and uncontrollable denial.

Erin was 8 inches long and 15 ounces. Half of her body was bruised from the very brutal and crude delivery. Still, as I would gaze, longingly, at our pictures (provided by the hospital’s photographer), I saw a perfect full-term baby…For almost 2 years.

The mind has a way of creating its own distorted reality…so yeah, emotions can be complicated entities.

Emotional control, a smile, a positive quote or a pat on the back can all become rather meaningless.

As It Relates to Health and Fitness

It is so important to acknowledge what we are feeling, whether good or bad. Smiling our way through life may feel like the best avenue, but its road can lead to a dark place.

Being out of touch or refusing to feel can lead to difficulties in various areas of our lives. We may experience any or all of the following:

·     Chronic Stress

·     Neurotransmitters and hormonal impact

·     Dietary Implications 

·     Deterioration in Physical Health

What Can You Do?

Learning to feel and sit with our emotions can feel overwhelming at times. Here are some tools that I use and have found to be helpful.

*Connect with Yourself

·     Be bored 

·     Disconnect from social media and connect to your thoughts 

·     Develop your emotional intelligence

·     Journal 

*Step Back (Self-awareness)

·     Observe your emotions 

·     Observe your thoughts 

·     Observe your behaviors 

·     Observe your reactions

*Mindfulness

·     Become mindful of your habits (eating, sleeping, attempts to escape)

·     Notice the tension in your body

·     Become aware of your breathing 

Feel, experience, journal and get in touch with your core being and its emotions. Don't you dare let anyone make you feel ashamed of feeling. It is a gift.