Introvert, or socially anxious? How to tell the difference

I have a confession: I’m not just an introvert.

I’m a socially anxious introvert (I’m also shy and have a generalised anxiety disorder, because why get the t-shirt when you can have the whole wardrobe - but that’s for another time).

This week I’ve been involved in a number of conversations about some of the misconceptions surrounding introversion, even reading a comment on LinkedIn where someone described themselves as a ‘friendly introvert’, as if this was some sort of anomaly. One conversation in particular, however, was the catalyst for the content you are reading right now.

An introverted friend was telling me about his discomfort with group situations whilst travelling and it quickly became clear to me that there was more than his introversion at play; he’d been actively avoiding group interactions and that’s commonly a trait associated with social anxiety.

Are you introverted, socially anxious - or both?

Let’s dig into what differentiates the two:

Social anxiety is a common type of anxiety disorder and a mental health condition. It’s rooted in fear and can be reactionary. For example, you may start feeling apprehension even when making plans, and may worry about engaging in social situations for weeks before they happen, or you may feel uneasy from the very beginning of a social interaction.

At the root of this fear is the concern surrounding how others will perceive, and react, to you: being evaluated, embarrassed or even judged - and potentially in a negative way such as being rejected or ‘revealed’ (there are strong correlations between social anxiety and perfectionism). Any situation which could hold the potential of judgement from others can therefore be a trigger: speaking in public is an example that generates social anxiety in the majority of the population, along with job interviews and going on a date, but even a transactional interaction with a cashier in a shop, or using a restroom in a public place, can have the same effect.

If triggered, the socially anxious person will feel physical anxiety symptoms and experience unhelpful thoughts such as mind reading, catastrophising and ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

Choosing to be alone is the only way in which a socially anxious person can feel safe. This can often look like cancelling plans, or turning down opportunities, actively avoiding meeting new people and not initiating plans, or being proactive in getting to know new people better. It’s common to feel out of place, or lonely, in a crowd and on edge throughout the interactions. No amount of alone time will make the socially-anxious individual feel prepared. 

Some avoid potentially-triggering situations altogether; others engage in the activities but experience a great deal of fear or anxiety when they do and/ or fixate on the possibility of getting things ‘wrong’, such as forgetting someone’s name or making a social faux pas.

Uncertainty can be a major anxiety trigger, because the more control we have over a situation, the safer we feel; the thoughts and actions of others can’t be controlled.

Common symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Avoiding places, or situations, where other people will be present.
• Feeling self-conscious or awkward when talking to other people, finding it difficult to talk to them and/ or to make eye contact.
• Having a rigid body posture and tense muscles.
• Blushing, sweating, trembling and/ or having a rapid heart rate.
• A dry mouth, or speaking very quietly.
• Feeling that your mind has gone ‘blank’.
• Feeling nausea.
• A knotted feeling, lump, or heaviness in your throat, chest or stomach.
• Intrusive, unhelpful, thoughts.

Socially anxious individuals often have high levels of empathy and are finely attuned to the emotions of others.

For introverts, alone time is self-care, not avoidance

Introversion, however, isn’t rooted in fear of social interactions.

Introverts may choose to keep to themselves because they enjoy solitude and not because they are avoiding social interactions.

The need for alone-time is how introverts recharge and not caused by anything specific. Introverts may need to be careful about balancing social interactions and alone time, for optimal well-being, but they don’t actively avoid social interactions, especially if they are likely to be meaningful; they may actually actively seek them out. Alone time for an introvert is genuinely enjoyable and a form of self-care, as opposed to the only place in which they can feel safe. 

Therefore, social interactions, and connecting with other people, can be gratifying for introverts, especially when these are on their own terms. If an introvert leaves a party early, it’s because their social battery is running on empty and they need to withdraw to recharge, not because they are feeling self-conscious or experiencing any form of fear. Any preference for sharing feelings through writing or art is exactly that: a preference.

Introversion is a personality trait, not a mental health condition.

The socially anxious introvert

There are studies which have uncovered a correlation between both introversion and mental health conditions with social anxiety, meaning introverts may be statistically more likely to experience social anxiety, but not ALL introverts are socially anxious, and there are also socially anxious extroverts.

I don’t know of any research that substantiates this, but I would imagine Highly Sensitive introverts (like myself) are especially susceptible to social anxiety, as we’re so good at intuiting how others are feeling that we can make assumptions, especially if an interaction is going ‘off script’. This can lead to unhelpful thoughts and an anxiety spiral.

In a group situation, what can commonly happen is an introvert knows how being interrupted when speaking can completely derail that line of thought, and be a frustrating experience, so if they have something to say they’ll typically wait until the person speaking has naturally finished. In a one-on-one conversation this works perfectly but in a group scenario, inevitably when, or even before, the person speaking has finished, someone else has jumped in and by the time there is any form of natural pause, the conversation has naturally moved on and whatever the introvert wanted to share has become irrelevant. The socially anxious introvert will, at this point, enter an anxiety spiral and experience the aforementioned intrusive thoughts; the introvert with no social anxiety will still leave that interaction feeling frustrated because they were unheard and often these group interactions don’t have the depth of meaning we crave as well as being dominated by the more extroverted participants.

If the conversation isn’t sufficiently meaningful, the lure of your own thoughts can be far more appealing and we then have to focus on not zoning out. Small talk cannot sustain our attention.

Sensory overwhelm can also make navigating group situations challenging for an introvert; just as open offices can drain us, noisy environments, and several simultaneous conversations, can be genuinely uncomfortable. Add social anxiety into the mix and we’re now overthinking multiple scenarios at once - it’s no wonder most socially-anxious introverts avoid them altogether!

Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire to seem so (Rouchfoucauld)

I talk a lot about ‘authentic confidence’ and that’s because, as a socially anxious introvert, I have been on a journey, one that has taught me that the absolute best way to navigate life is to be fully, unapologetically, myself.

So, for example, I started being open about my anxiety. If I started blushing in a social interaction, or when facilitating, I’d openly talk about it rather than go into a spiral of overthinking that would inevitably make it worse. 

And you know what? That made me relatable and I started forming deeper and better connections.

I’ve also tried a LOT of mental health treatments, including CBT, to reframe my unhelpful thinking patterns and methods for soothing my physical symptoms.

Mostly, however, my approach is to feel the fear and do it anyway! As with anything, the more you repeat something over a period of time the more you build confidence - and competence - and so whilst I still do experience physical anxiety symptoms, and overthink social interactions, I don’t avoid them and I don’t let my anxiety stop me from living my life fully. 

I remember the first time I ate a meal alone, in public, and how big of a deal that seemed to me; now I love eating alone and regularly take myself out - for drinks, dinner and any event I want to experience. Solo travel is a major passion for me, the very definition of freedom, and I embrace invitations to be a guest on podcasts, a panellist or speak at events.

Whilst I haven’t managed to eradicate my anxiety; I have come a long way and I’m still on the journey. In the not too distant past, I’d sit in discomfort for hours, rather than pause a conversation, or ask where the restroom is; now I choose myself and take the necessary action. I do, however, still struggle to initiate social interactions, or plans with friends and have learnt the hard way that this can negatively impact others, so it’s something that I’m working on.

My core learning has been that I need to really know myself. 

That’s how I know when I am choosing not to engage in group situations because doing so wouldn’t benefit me, or it’s not what I want, as opposed to I am avoiding them because they make me uncomfortable. It’s how I know when I need to choose me and how to differentiate between things I need to work on - growth opportunities, if you will, and what simply doesn’t work for me; as a collector of experiences, what I will accept, or reject (no, I will not be attending your karaoke event, thanks for asking, and I’m going to be selective about joining your group chat).

To step into your authentic self you have to remove the labels attached to you by society, and past versions of you and take a deep look into who you really are and what you want from your life - fundamentally, at your very core. Then check in with that regularly.

Authentic confidence isn’t about changing who you are; it’s unlocking the freedom of being yourself.

Whether you’re an introvert, socially anxious, or both, your life will become easier, and more balanced, through authentic confidence. You can find out more about my work with authentic confidence here.

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About Me

I help introverts develop authentic confidence, through coaching, training and digital products, so that they can thrive without having to change who they are, and companies through training, coaching and consultancy, to address the workplace bias towards extroversion.

Through developing my own authentic confidence I have been able to build a life on my terms, working part-time for full-time income, travel solo around the world, work with companies like Google and speak, with confidence, to entire auditoriums. I've already helped thousands of individuals, across 169 countries globally, to develop confidence and communication skills, as well as manage Imposter Syndrome and limiting beliefs. Helping others feel enough is my passion.

If you are an introvert looking to feel more confident, set boundaries to help you balance your time and be able to understand, and communicate, your value to others; a leader looking to better support your introverted talent; or a company committed to achieving intersectional equity and inclusion, DM me or visit my website, to find out more about how I can help you.

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