sharing our wounds
I was speaking with a client who is currently discerning getting engaged to his girlfriend. We talked about what criteria and conversations may be good in this process. He mentioned a struggle he’s scared to share with her because he’s not sure if it’ll be a roadblock to moving forward.
I relate to that and believe we all struggle with it to a certain degree.
During the session, I shared that intimacy is born and raised in the vulnerable sharing of each other's deepest wounds. It's important that each person shares their struggle in its truest form, and that the person hearing it accepts it for what it is and supports it.
A common mistake many couples make is over promising outcomes then not changing. The years pass then what happens is the person who promised to change, feels shame and the person who was promised change is resentful.
As difficult and painful as it is to have conversations like these, they are critical to a successful and loving relationship.
I guess that's why they call it brutally honest because it really does feel brutal. It can beat you down to the point of being close to death but the good news is, we don't die. We find new life, love, hope, and potential. The only thing more painful and worse than having the conversation is not having it and letting it fester. That wreaks havoc on a relationship and ultimately, destroys it.
When we accept people as they are, it doesn't mean we also don't hold them to who they could be. It’s important to meet each other where we’re at but believe we won’t stay there forever.
Alain de Botton got it right when he said first dates usually consist of putting on our best selves to be accepted, but rather they should be about sharing our deepest, darkest fears and struggles to be accepted. Once you know those parts of a person, and decide to move forward, then you know it’s real and has a good chance at lasting.
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As William Paul Young so poetically put it, “Life grows in good soil and good soil has a lot of shit in it.”
There’s no fear in perfect love. Continue to face your fears until you know this to be true in your soul. It may take years or even a lifetime but it’s possible. Living in a loving relationship where you don’t fear being abandoned, rejected or misunderstood is the beautiful part of life. In some ways, it’s the only way to truly live.
It's never too late to have the conversation and it’s always essential in a healthy relationship. Whether you've had one in the past and need another one, have never even thought about it and should start planning for one or feel like you're too far down the road and “know each other too well” to have one, do it.
Life is short and you don't want to look back in your heart of hearts not being known for who you are, “warts and all ” as Richard Rohr says.
From the Christian perspective, this is Jesus dying on the cross. Embracing the full potential and reality of evil, sitting in it and transcending it to become perfect love. By his wounds, we are healed.
By embracing each other’s wounds, we are healed. This is the human journey. Life is difficult and none of us get out unscathed. Will you embrace it? Will you walk the hard path to healing?
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