They’re Called Coping Mechanisms for a Reason

Ken Carlson

Experienced Executive Coach and Leadership Trainer with a knack for working with Geeks; Specializing in Engineering, Science, Math, and Medical.

Published Dec 13, 2024

I was going through a tough time. Emotionally at least. Whenever you are doing more than one of the top 5 most stressful things in life—it’s good to recognize that actually “being” stressed is normal.

The top 5:

Birth of a child
Death/sickness of a family member
Divorce/end of long term relationship
Moving
Changing jobs/career

Gratefully, it was only #3, #4, and #5 but I was feeling it. I had moved across the country from Chicago to SoCal, I was trying to get my fledgling business off the ground, and my 5-year relationship was over. I created a plan to survive it and I had no idea if it would work. I got involved in several life-giving communities, I exercised regularly and I re-started therapy.

It was in one of my sessions with my therapist that I had a revelation. Besides using my plan to get back on track, I was also eating too much and spending too much time watching TV. This had me beating myself up for being such a loser.

My therapist interrupted me and said, “you know, Ken, they call them coping mechanisms for a reason.”

I was like—huh?

He explained that it’s completely normal when you are stressed to find coping mechanisms to deal with the stress. We all need tools to cope—ideally we choose the healthiest tools—but try not to beat yourself up for simply trying to cope.

So I gave myself some grace and as the stress went down, I used the unhealthy coping mechanisms less and less.

This isn’t a direct comparison but I was thinking about the best tools for managing ADHD and how sometimes the leaders I work with judge themselves for having to use them or judge themselves for not using them enough.

Studies have shown that these are some of the best tools for managing ADHD.

Having an interesting and/or challenging job
Adventurous activities
Movement (running, swimming, cycling)
Meditation
Medication
Recovery (emotional and physical)

Each leader is unique and that’s why coaching is so important. One of the best questions to ask yourself when you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed is, “what am I using to cope?” Give yourself a break if it’s not quite working—and see if there is something you can do (or not do) that would help. Recovery might be the best thing you could do for yourself but your self-judgement and the feared judgment of others might have kept you from even considering it.

What do you think? What are some of the other tools you use to cope with overwhelm or stress?

Share a comment or reach out! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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