Unmasking the Imposter - Part 4

Oh good, you’re still here… If you’ve stuck with the series this far we’re not done yet !

Many of the topics and questions we’re raising here are inter-related and might give you some food for thought - definitely need to dig deep here and look at what's going on behind the mask.

The common theme with the topics here is perhaps ‘Hopes, Beliefs and Fears’

1. The Impossible Dream

If you’ve grown up in an environment where having high standards is part of the value system then it’s worth checking in with these; maybe writing or chatting about them with someone else...

• Are these high expectations realistic? 
• Are they your expectations or someone else's? 
• Perhaps there’s a fear here of making a mistake, missing the mark, being substandard or failing?

Many of us also have a belief that work has to be hard. And that if we are enjoying work and finding aspects of it coming easy to us, then that’s just plain wrong. 

We might believe that work should always be hard labour; that you always have to give 110% and go the extra mile. 

This means that the bar is continually being raised which is unsustainable in the long run. 

It’s not a bad thing to want to improve continuously. But make sure to give yourself space to recover. Otherwise, you end up pushing yourself to the point of burnout, rather than listening to and working with the ebb and flow of your energy - balancing things that energise you with the things that sometimes inevitably can drain you.

2. No time for laziness

We cannot work at an unsustainable rate indefinitely. We have to recharge sometimes, whether through rest, sport, creative pursuits, holidays… whatever. 

But by doing so, we might believe on some level that we are being lazy, or self-indulgent. 

Even when we are sick, we may choose to soldier on, delaying our recovery and potentially worsening the situation including making others sick. There are no medals for bravery here unfortunately.

In our heads we may believe we are invincible and don’t need to rest even when the body is screaming for attention - you’re not a machine.

So we often judge against ourselves and and prioritise the needs of others, or our work role over our own basic needs and care of self.

So again here the imposter is putting on a show and demanding all the attention.

3. Fear of failure

This old cliché! But clichés are usually true… some useful coaching questions here are…

• What exactly do you mean by failure? 
• What would be the worst case scenario? 

Describe or write about the worst case in detail… then examine both the likelihood (risk) and impact of the worst case scenario - most people who have a fear of failure would agree that it can be quite nebulous, without actually questioning exactly what that would mean and how realistic the risk is, and what actions you might take if this vague threat were to materialise.

As the saying goes, there’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. So it can be worth looking at what failure would mean for you, or perhaps it’s easier to look at what success would mean for you. Is failure about not having success? 

Many of us never take the time to think about it: 

• What’s important to you?
• What do you value? 
• What do you want more or less of in your life?
• How do you want to grow and develop?  
• What does success mean for you?

If we never get clarity, either in the short or long term about what outcomes we are aiming for, then we will always feel like we are missing the mark. 

Failing forward means that we can experiment with incremental steps, and if we make mistakes, they’re valuable learning experiences, rather than a total write-off.

4. Fear of success

How does this relate to the imposter? 

On some level, are you holding yourself back to avoid attention, or feeling unworthy or undeserving of credit for your contributions? 

Do you doubt if you really deserve to be successful? 

If so, what’s that about? Is it helpful?

5. People pleasing

Quite often, clients who have difficulty saying ‘no’ tell me that they are ‘people pleasers’. 

This is another way of trying to control other people’s reactions or emotions, to placate them, make them happy or more agreeable. When often, no matter how hard we try and try, they are still annoyed or unhappy. 

But remember, they’re not annoyed or unhappy just with us or our actions; they’re like that with everyone. 

There’s no pleasing some people. 

But if we don't know better, those people can trigger us into thinking we are inferior and undeserving or not good enough. 

It’s not you, it's them. But you can't change them - so take the time to disrupt your thinking...

Of course it's great to have our ‘Hopes Beliefs & Dreams’ , and it’s no harm every so often to take them out of our heads and perhaps jot them down on paper to give ourselves a reality check …

How have your fears, worries, concerns got in the way of Hopes Beliefs and Dreams...have they changed, which ones do you want to keep or let go of… ?