What is your life’s work?

What’s your life’s work?

One hell of a big question, right?

But don’t let it daunt you.

It is potentially one of the most freeing questions you can ever ask yourself.

Let me explain.

I’ve recently returned to my desk after a 6-month sabbatical that began as a response to an incrementally overwhelming family mental health situation. I’d become aware that I’d been in hypervigilant mode for quite some time and I was spent. Literally exhausted.

I was fortunate to be able to step away for a while to regroup and this was a totally life-changing experience for several reasons.

It began with a focus on my health with the help of a fabulous Naturopath saw my diet overhauled, my life-long addiction to Diet Coke and more than a few Red Bulls kicked and a new interest in exercise for vitality, rather than a form of punishment, adopted. Over the months, I was delighted to find my energy transformed — I actually WANTED to get up earlier and go for walks! Who IS this new person, I marvelled…

I finally had the time and space to fully focus on the Positive Psychology Diploma I had enrolled in several months before and I took to it like the proverbial duck to water. I LOVED this work! The thought of helping people to thrive with proven science and interventions was thrilling and I could not wait to add it into my work.

I started working with an amazing therapist, a Narrative Psychologist, who helped me to explore and gradually come to terms with the trauma embedded in my past that had shaped many of my (mis)beliefs. Together we opened the closet and shone a light on a whole lot of stories that deserved reframing. For someone who prides herself on a pretty good level of self-awareness, I was amazed at the stuff we found in there! But then again, growth is an ongoing journey, it doesn’t ever end, and that’s a good thing.

Hot on the heels of these revelations came an ADHD diagnosis — at 53! This little chestnut was uncovered thanks to my daughter’s diagnosis when I couldn’t ignore the fact that I shared so many of the behaviours on the checklist she was working through. It’s hereditary, so I guess I passed on more than my sparkling wit!

This insight really stirred the pot.

I went through the whole gamut of emotions as I reflected on my life to date through this new lens — shock, amusement, amazement, understanding, anger, grief, a few weeks of “what if I’d known this 20 years ago….” And then… acceptance and medication. The quiet brain that those little pills gift me each day is a modern-day miracle to me.

You mean this is how most brains feel on a daily basis???

The minions that usually assault me with their 1001 ideas and options and considerations, tugging at my mental sleeve from the moment I wake up are now all lined up, quietly waiting for my instructions.

A-ma-zing.

There were many other happenings during my break, but those were the biggies.

Back to work

And so, I returned to my desk last week to get started on 2023 with this new-found understanding of myself, with loads of energy and my customary optimism. But when I rolled up my sleeves and prepared to put my ideas into action, I was shocked to discover that I was actually remarkedly paralysed.

My nasty little inner critic, the ringmaster of my internal dialogue started saying things like:

• “You better get it right this time”
• “You’ve got no excuses now you have the meds”
• “Perhaps now you will finally live up to that damn potential everyone said you had”

I felt the weight of the world descend onto my shoulders.

My initial elation and enthusiasm were quickly replaced by fear and uncertainty. Although I’d developed a pretty fabulous Self-Leadership Model grounded in Positive Psychology to sit at the centre of the next phase of my work I began to doubt it. To doubt myself.

My creativity began to recede as I second-guessed myself and my ideas.

And the kicker thoughts “what if this is just another one of those ideas that I have always come up with, burn brightly with for anything from a few days to a few years and then, ultimately, discard and move on from?”.

“WHY CAN’T I REACH MY POTENTIAL? For god’s sake, I’m about to turn 54, when will it happen!!??”

You may well know that our thoughts create our feelings and those feelings create our actions, or inactions. How generative do you think those thoughts were?

If you’re thinking “not at all”, you’d be right.

I’ve been in total ruminating mode for almost 2 weeks and something had to change.

Thankfully, it did.

Claudia to the rescue

I had the first session for 2023 with my therapist and dumped this dilemma at her feet.

“I really have no career to speak of” I lamented. “I’m paralysed by the thought that this idea I have, the one I’ve been really excited and energised by, is just another of my impulsive flights of fancy and that I’ll not get it right, again”.

I was feeling highly emotional and slightly hopeful. Claudia has such a knack for asking questions that help me see things from a new perspective.

And once again, I wasn’t disappointed.

We looked at the Self-Leadership Tree I’d completed (a template adapted from a fabulous friend and colleague,  Carolyn Tate ) alongside the core values and strengths I’d identified. Building a strengths and values-aligned life is at the heart of positive psychology and so I was taking my own medicine by assembling this mosaic of me.

I’d got that far and then… I’d been stumped. Hamstrung by another of my outdated beliefs as I was about to discover.

Claudia suggested, “What if you let go of the idea of having a career as such, and thought in terms of vocation, or, as I like to think of what I do, as your life’s work, what you’re called to do instead?”.

I gazed at her and felt one of those click moments. Do you know what I mean? A moment when an idea that you may have heard of before suddenly clicks into place, making perfect sense.

“And how can you get IT wrong anyway, if it is your life’s work, as that suggests that you will continue to iterate as you grow and learn? You’ll bring new ideas to the table, you’ll refine those ideas, and you’ll likely veer off in a new direction as something becomes clear to you that wasn’t before”.

Who gets to decide what your “potential” is anyway? she asked — whose voice is that? I don’t believe it’s your true, authentic voice, is it? Where is it from?

I pondered that question and realised she was right, it wasn’t mine. I’d been socialised in the 70’s and 80’s for a different world, a world that doesn’t really exist today. That prior world, the one that was laid out for me in my teens was one where you followed a linear “career” path — there were few other options back then.

And I’d internalised those lessons into a voice that told me I wasn’t measuring up.

Do well at school

Go to university

Choose a career

Stay in that lane

And don’t be a flake! DON’T WASTE YOUR “POTENTIAL”. Focus, dammit!

The truth is this “career” perspective was never going to work for me, given my personality, neurodiversity, values, strengths and interests. Add in 2 step kids and 2 kids of my own, adventures in addiction and various other interesting challenges and the odds of “success” in linear career land were wildly reduced.

Better questions to ask yourself

There are better questions to ask yourself than “When will I reach my potential? How can I ensure I get this right?” Those are typically going to produce spiral-down thoughts.

Instead, consider, trying some Skylight Questions like:

• What am I committed to?
• What are my strengths?
• What are my values?
• What am I most interested in?
• What energises me?

And then take the time to do the detective work, to look back and recognise the connecting threads that are likely to have woven themselves through your life.

I realised that I have always been committed to helping people feel better about themselves, to believe in themselves more so they can do the things they really want to do.

That’s my life’s work.

This has played out with my friends, my family, my clients, with business owners, leaders and managers, with fellow travellers at AA meetings, people I’ve just met at parties and events and even random strangers at the supermarket checkout.

I’ve been practising my life’s work through my corporate days and when I had my own marketing agency and staff. It deepened when I pivoted to life coaching, to business mentoring and now, into Self-Leadership it feels stronger than ever. In every role, in every iteration over the past 35 years, my commitment to empowering people has shone through.

Hell, the mantra I’ve had on my website for years is “Borrow my belief in you until you have it for yourself”. That should have been a clue! The screeds of feedback I have on my site and on Linked In from clients refer to the “confidence I now feel” as often as appreciation for the ideas and strategies we’ve generated and implemented could have clued me in as well.

Self-Belief, Self-Leadership, Self-Worth — this is what I’m designed for.

This is my life’s work, and it’s a far better fit for who I am than a career corset paradigm. But remember, horses for courses, and professional careers are PERFECT for many, many people.

I believe your life’s work, your vocation, your career path, whatever descriptor works for you, all become clearer with Self-Leadership skills — Knowing who you are, Thinking clearly, Feeling deeply and Acting intentionally. That’s when you can thoughtfully design the life that best fits you rather than try to fit into any paradigm.

And sometimes, you just need someone to help you clear away the conditioning that’s blurring your vision so you can get started again.

So, thanks Claudia.