Why LISTENING is so hard, and a new way to think about it.

Not including conversations with your kids, how many times have you said (or more likely thought) this during a conversation?:

Listening, really listening is HARD. 

Why is this?

There are three main reasons:

• We’re myopic – We’re wired to focus on ourselves.  Our favourite topic is anything to do with “me,” and our favourite word is our own name.
•  We’re distracted – by our phones and by everything around us
• We’re smart! – We get bored easily and our minds wander.

The 4 Levels Of Listening

Here’s a new way of thinking about listening. 

There are 4 main levels of listening. Typically, people thinki about just two: passive and active listening. Consider instead these four levels, and challenge yourself to move up a level when it matters:

1. Not Listening.   

Enough said.

2. Passive Listening

We spend most of our time in this mode.  We pretend to listen, but really we’re just biding our time, not interrupting, and waiting for our turn to speak.  We listen for what we already know and we don’t pick up on nuances and differences.

3. Active Listening

If you’ve ever gone for communication coaching or marriage classes, you’ve likely encountered “active listening. “ The basic exercise has you listen to the speaker, rephrase and repeat what they’ve said and ask “Am I understanding correctly?”  If not, the speaker tries again.  This can get tedious - but it’s really helpful when the subject under discussion is emotionally charged or complex. 

When you’re listening actively, you are listening with intent and empathy, focusing on the other person.

4. Collaborative Listening

This is the ultimate state of listening. You are taking your active listening skills and taking it up a notch by looking for ways to collaborate, learn, and create.  You value the other person’s input and are considering it a key ingredient in whatever ahllenge you face.

This of it as synergistic or generative listening.  This is the gold standard of listening.

3 Strategies to Improve Your Listening

So, how can we listen better?  I’ve got 3 strategies for you.

1. Focus

This one may be obvious, but many of us aren’t very good at it.

Focus on the other person 

Stop thinking about how you’re going to respond. If you catch yourself doing that, consciously bring your attention back to the speaker.  

Also consider non-verbal cues - both yours AND theirs.

How can you show that you’re listening?  Most people will make eye contact and nod appropriately. Interestingly, this article from Harvard Business Review, suggests that if this doesn’t come naturally to you, that you should let the speaker know that “you’re on the non-reactive side, and ask for their patience and understanding.”  (This now gives me an idea for a whole new newsletter!) 

What are they doing while they’re speaking?  How are they sitting or standing?  What are they doing with their hands?  What is their tone of voice?  What does their body language say to you?

Focus on your goal

Are you focused on the goal of the conversation?  What do you want to accomplish?  Do you need agreement or understanding? (And no, that’s not always the same thing.)  Do you need a plan to move forward? 

Put your phone away.  Remove distractions so you can give your full attention to what’s happening. This is not the time to multi-task.

Focus on learning, not necessarily sharing or advising.  When you’re really listening to someone, you are gathering information.  You’re learning about their thoughts, opinions, and feelings.

Focus on the levels of listening I talked about earlier.  (Well, OK, not the first one…)  How can you be less Passive and more Active and Collaborative?

2. Ask Questions

One of the best ways to show you’re listening to a conversation is to ask questions.  So ask LOTS of questions. Ask the speaker to go deeper on a point to better understand their position.  Ask for examples.  Ask so that you can absorb what the other person is telling you.

BUT….you actually have to ask GOOD questions.  Quality questions.  Open-ended questions that give the other person an opportunity to talk.  Ask “Can you tell me more about….”.    

Use their words in your questions. This goes back to Active Listening.  If they say, “This is difficult…”, you could respond with “Difficult?  Can you tell me in what way it was difficult?” or “What made ___ difficult?”

If you’re not clear about something, SAY so!  “Can you say that again?  I’m not sure I understand…”  

Another tip?  Wait for a natural pause to ask your questions.  Don’t interrupt. (For more on interruptions, check out Talk about Talk podcast episode 128 - also available on Apple, Spotify and all other podcast platforms).

3. Track the Ratio

Track the ratio of how much you’re talking vs the other person talking. 

I mention this frequently with my coaching clients. Research has demonstrated that when you talk less, you are more likeable and more likely to succeed in your negotiation, land the sale, get the job,... You get the idea.

I read an article recently that said the perfect ratio of talking to listening is 43:57. The precise numbers arent the point.  The point is to talk less, while still contributing to the dialogue,

There are two reasons for this:

• Learning - the more you listen, the more you learn
• Liking - the more you listen, the more likeable you seem (as I keep saying. See my last newsletter. )

This is where all the introverts in the room shine - they like listening far more than they like speaking.  

When you’re tracking the ratio, don’t just track you vs the speaker; track the ratio of everyone in the room.  Do certain people use more airtime than others?  How can you ask questions to encourage everyone in the room to speak up?  Ask an open-ended question and thenhold space for them to talk.

Make use of silence.  In a one-on-one conversation , pause before you answer a question.  In a group, let others fill the silence. Oftentimes, you’ll learn the most from someone following a moment of silence.  As they say: “Silence is golden.”

Another tip?  Remember how everyone sat up and listened intently when your teacher/professor would say “This will be on the test…”  Activate this mindset when you’re listening to someone.  

Because there WILL be a test.  As my colleague from Inc. writes, “The more you can subtly demonstrate through your responses and questions that you’ve really heard what the other person was saying, the more you will engage them and the more effective your conversation can be.” 

Homework

This week’s homework is to ACTIVELY listen to someone.  Really focus on the conversation. Note how it makes you feel afterwards.  

Was it hard to do?  That’s ok.  The next conversation will be easier.  And the one after that.

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Talk soon,

Andrea

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Dr. Andrea Wojnicki is a Harvard-educated executive communication coach. She founded "Talk About Talk" to help ambitious executives communicate with confidence and clarity. Focusing on topics such as personal branding, overcoming imposter syndrome, listening, demonstrating leadership and formal presentation skills, Andrea provides 1:1 coaching, workshops, keynote speeches, online courses. She also serves as a columnist at Inc. magazine and she hosts the Talk About Talk podcast, with over 140 episodes and counting.