If you think a friendship is superficial, ask yourself: what are the permissions?
A lot has been written and said about men not being able to ‘talk about their feelings.’ Men, we often hear, struggle to be vulnerable. Guys can’t ‘go there’ – especially with their male friends.
This is half-right. (Men can go there, in the right environments – just visit a men’s group and you’ll find you can’t shut blokes up.) However, if we assume for a moment that this is true, what is it exactly that stops men from being vulnerable? Is it that they lack the right skills?
Having emotionally connected conversations does require certain capabilities, that may be underdeveloped in many men. The ability to listen empathetically, without offering solutions, say. Or the ability to identify exactly what it is that they are feeling (a friend of mine uses a ‘wheel of emotion,’ as suggested by a therapist.) Or the ability to spot the emotional clues coming back in the other direction, perhaps.
However, I would argue that as important here is the permissions that exist between friends. I can have all the social-emotional skills in the world, but if I feel I don’t have permission to exercise them, then I won’t. And often these permissions – even if tacitly – don’t exist between male friends.
‘Men’s issues in friendship are safety issues. Safety comes before vulnerability. Men learn that vulnerability equals rejection or punishment,’ psychologist Dr Marisa Franco told me.
I wonder if the word ‘vulnerability’ is helpful here. It’s too narrow. And it puts many men off, because the word is intimidating, but also because its invocation is now culturally ubiquitous – a thick emollient to be spread over any social rash.
I prefer authenticity, another over-used word admittedly, but one which speaks to something many men relate to: how they can only be certain versions of themselves in their male friendships. Because if they show other sides of who they are, they risk rejection. In laymen’s terms, their mates will take the piss.
I’ve talked a lot about the role of humour in men’s relationships, especially that amorphous concept ‘banter.’ I’m agnostic: it isn’t toxic, but it can be subtlety problematic – it adds a certain tone, a peculiar electric charge in the atmosphere between men, which limits what is possible between them.
But if ‘banter’ can shut down permissions in friendships, there are practical things men can do to open them up….
Letting your friends know you like them, giving meaningful compliments, greeting them warmly and letting them know you are looking forward to seeing them: it pulls down walls.
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If a friend shares something personal, and difficult - a problem they are going through – they are like a turtle poking its soft head out from underneath his shell. How we receive this act of courage will affect how much of themselves they show – and whether they’ll risk doing it again.
Sit with what you hear: listen patiently, ask questions, try sharing your own experience connected to the issue. Where necessary, be direct: label what you notice. If your friend seems sad, be kind, but tell them.
‘Vulnerability is the life blood of connection,’ Dr Marisa Franco told me. ‘Research shows that if you disclose intimate details about yourself, people are more likely to like you and more likely to disclose details back.’
The takeaway? Go first. If you are struggling, try making what therapists call ‘I- statements.’ So, ‘I feel…’ or ‘I want…’ or ‘ I fear…’ and then fill in the blank.
We can be reluctant to go first because we don’t trust the other person yet. However, this is the wrong way round: trust creates trust. Summarising a famous study by Italian social scientist Diego Gambetta into this phenomenon, Eric Barker writes:
‘The danger of being exploited creates the value inherent in trust, giving it its power. How do you signal you’re trustworthy? By trusting someone else. And then, often, the trust in you creates the trust in them.’
Communications Trainer | Presentations Coach | Author of 'The Confident Presenter' | I help people communicate better
1yThese are great actionable tips, Max. Even small acts of sharing or revealing true feelings can be scary, but also exhilarating, and open up the door to reciprocation. Leading by example is the way to go here.